Jokes

Laugh it up...
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landrew
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Re: Social clubs...

Post by landrew » Sun Aug 05, 2018 2:31 am

TJrandom wrote:Lions have sex 365 days of the year!

I wish someone told me that before I joined Rotary.
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A. Because he was playing with a cheetah.
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Nursing Home

Post by TJrandom » Fri Aug 10, 2018 5:40 am

An Italian family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All of the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home. After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit grandpa. "How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.

"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile. "There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!" then… "There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honour'!" and… "There's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!

"And me, I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The {!#%@} Wop."

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Re: Nursing Home

Post by landrew » Fri Aug 10, 2018 7:51 pm

TJrandom wrote:An Italian family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All of the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home. After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit grandpa. "How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.

"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile. "There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!" then… "There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honour'!" and… "There's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!

"And me, I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The {!#%@} Wop."
D+
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Seriously

Post by TJrandom » Fri Aug 10, 2018 8:25 pm

Good as time as any, to say something serious – no joke now, but I do apologise if I seriously offend anyone – mildly offend is OK, and I do intend to be an equal offender on the basis of political affiliation, nationality, age, sex, sexual preference, race, religion, culture, educational achievement or lack thereof, etc., but seriously now, I do not intend to cause serious offense. This said, if you are ever seriously offended, please accept my apology in advance - and just lump it. :oldman:

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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Fri Aug 10, 2018 8:37 pm

:heyup:
Spoiler:
.


. :nyaah:
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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Sat Aug 11, 2018 6:19 pm

"I am wut you call a 'repeat offender'. I repeat - I will offend agen!" - guy being booked at the presinct in Robocop.
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Thoughts on Getting older…

Post by TJrandom » Sat Aug 11, 2018 9:15 pm

Yippee, I woke up!
We are all mature. Until someone at the daycare center pulls out the bubble wrap.
Hmmmmm, another day has passed and once again I did not use Algebra.
My brain is like the Bermuda Triangle – information goes in, and never comes out again.
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.
When I die, my last words will be: “I left a million dollars in gold, buried under the …….”
I have reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me.

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Re: Thoughts on Getting older…

Post by Gord » Sun Aug 12, 2018 4:21 am

TJrandom wrote:Hmmmmm, another day has passed and once again I did not use Algebra.
That is so weird. I use algebra almost every day. Today, for instance, I was recalculating the weight of a rat knowing only how much larger it was than another rat with a known weight.
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Re: Thoughts on Getting older…

Post by TJrandom » Sun Aug 12, 2018 5:45 am

Gord wrote:
TJrandom wrote:Hmmmmm, another day has passed and once again I did not use Algebra.
That is so weird. I use algebra almost every day. Today, for instance, I was recalculating the weight of a rat knowing only how much larger it was than another rat with a known weight.
Young`ns these days....

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Re: Thoughts on Getting older…

Post by Matthew Ellard » Sun Aug 12, 2018 7:26 am

Gord wrote:Today, for instance, I was recalculating the weight of a rat knowing only how much larger it was than another rat with a known weight.
OK. I'll bite. How did you know exactly how much larger the second rat was without weighing it? Did you use the same method as Archimedes and hold both rats underwater to measure how much water they displaced?

Is this what people do in Canada for entertainment when the curling season is over?
:D

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Re: Jokes

Post by TJrandom » Sun Aug 12, 2018 7:52 am

Now now... he didn`t claim to be using algebra correctly....

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Re: Thoughts on Getting older…

Post by scrmbldggs » Sun Aug 12, 2018 4:35 pm

Gord wrote:
TJrandom wrote:Hmmmmm, another day has passed and once again I did not use Algebra.
That is so weird. I use algebra almost every day. Today, for instance, I was recalculating the weight of a rat knowing only how much larger it was than another rat with a known weight.
What's going on in your basement? :?
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Re: Thoughts on Getting older…

Post by landrew » Sun Aug 12, 2018 4:37 pm

Gord wrote:
TJrandom wrote:Hmmmmm, another day has passed and once again I did not use Algebra.
That is so weird. I use algebra almost every day. Today, for instance, I was recalculating the weight of a rat knowing only how much larger it was than another rat with a known weight.
Have you ever made the mistake of assigning the value of zero to an X?
The job of a skeptic is to investigate the unexplained; not to explain the uninvestigated.

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Re: Thoughts on Getting older…

Post by TJrandom » Sun Aug 12, 2018 9:10 pm

landrew wrote:
Gord wrote:
TJrandom wrote:Hmmmmm, another day has passed and once again I did not use Algebra.
That is so weird. I use algebra almost every day. Today, for instance, I was recalculating the weight of a rat knowing only how much larger it was than another rat with a known weight.
Have you ever made the mistake of assigning the value of zero to an X?
Lots of people did, and Trump became President.

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Re: Thoughts on Getting older…

Post by JO 753 » Mon Aug 13, 2018 3:35 am

landrew wrote:Have you ever made the mistake of assigning the value of zero to an X?
Didnt I see that case on Forenzic Filez?
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Re: Jokes

Post by Austin Harper » Wed Aug 15, 2018 1:20 am

I use algebra at least 5 days a week, often 7. I use calculus probably once a month and matrices maybe annually.
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Re: Jokes

Post by bobbo_the_Pragmatist » Wed Aug 15, 2018 1:32 am

I used it last week to measure the height of a tree in my back yard.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Matthew Ellard » Wed Aug 15, 2018 1:39 am

I guess converting a recipe for four people to two people is sort of form of algebra. That means I do algebra every day.

OK Smartarses : What is 11 cents times a dollar? :D

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Re: Jokes

Post by landrew » Wed Aug 15, 2018 1:41 am

Matthew Ellard wrote:I guess converting a recipe for four people to two people is sort of form of algebra. That means I do algebra every day.

OK Smartarses : What is 11 cents times a dollar? :D
Is X the mystery ingredient?
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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Wed Aug 15, 2018 2:06 am

Matthew Ellard wrote:I guess converting a recipe for four people to two people is sort of form of algebra. That means I do algebra every day.

OK Smartarses : What is 11 cents times a dollar? :D
Not enough?
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Re: Jokes

Post by bobbo_the_Pragmatist » Wed Aug 15, 2018 2:32 am

When cooking, I try not to solve for unknowns.
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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Wed Aug 15, 2018 6:04 am

I hav forgotten wut aljebra iz.
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Re: Thoughts on Getting older…

Post by Gord » Wed Aug 15, 2018 8:26 am

Matthew Ellard wrote:
Gord wrote:Today, for instance, I was recalculating the weight of a rat knowing only how much larger it was than another rat with a known weight.
OK. I'll bite. How did you know exactly how much larger the second rat was without weighing it? Did you use the same method as Archimedes and hold both rats underwater to measure how much water they displaced?
Someone said, "That rat is 20% larger than the first rat." Then they left without explaining, so I had to figure out the weight with my brainnnnnn.
Is this what people do in Canada for entertainment when the curling season is over? :D
First basketball, then "football", then rat weight calculating, then baseball. (I always preferred "soccer" to baseball, but only to play, never to watch.)
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Re: Thoughts on Getting older…

Post by Gord » Wed Aug 15, 2018 8:27 am

scrmbldggs wrote:
Gord wrote:
TJrandom wrote:Hmmmmm, another day has passed and once again I did not use Algebra.
That is so weird. I use algebra almost every day. Today, for instance, I was recalculating the weight of a rat knowing only how much larger it was than another rat with a known weight.
What's going on in your basement? :?
Cock fighting, but that's a different story.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
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Re: Thoughts on Getting older…

Post by Gord » Wed Aug 15, 2018 8:28 am

landrew wrote:
Gord wrote:
TJrandom wrote:Hmmmmm, another day has passed and once again I did not use Algebra.
That is so weird. I use algebra almost every day. Today, for instance, I was recalculating the weight of a rat knowing only how much larger it was than another rat with a known weight.
Have you ever made the mistake of assigning the value of zero to an X?
Only once. That's how I ended up with a rat who weighed an infinite amount.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Wed Aug 15, 2018 8:29 am

Matthew Ellard wrote:OK Smartarses : What is 11 cents times a dollar? :D
11 cent dollars. Good luck getting change at a bank!
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
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Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Wed Aug 15, 2018 9:38 am

A bra made uv alje? Thats wut a mermaid woud wear!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gawdzilla Sama » Wed Aug 15, 2018 9:43 am

President Donald Trump
Chachacha wrote:"Oh, thweet mythtery of wife, at waft I've found you!"
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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Wed Aug 15, 2018 4:57 pm

:lol: :lol:

:)

:shock: :?

:( :roll:

:x :oops:
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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Wed Aug 15, 2018 5:58 pm

A guy who knows him well maintains he's missing a chip. Not sure if it's missing...

Spoiler:
normal chip

Image
Spoiler:
Image
his chip
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Re: Jokes

Post by bobbo_the_Pragmatist » Wed Aug 15, 2018 6:44 pm

Was that a spoiler times a spoiler?==>Well done.
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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Wed Aug 15, 2018 6:55 pm

As taught by the best - Gawd. :-P
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Re: Jokes

Post by bobbo_the_Pragmatist » Wed Aug 15, 2018 7:15 pm

First time I have seen it...…..never thought of it myself. We can all learn from Gawd. Too bad, its a one way street. (ha, ha.....I would not have posted that until 2 minutes ago....what a coinkeydink)
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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Wed Aug 15, 2018 8:48 pm

If you dink your coinkey, you might be out of luck if'n you need some dough.
-- Skeptical Proverb :-P
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Confused?

Post by TJrandom » Sat Aug 18, 2018 10:59 am

Alcohol is not in my vocabulary. However, I looked it up on whiskeypedia, and learned that if you drink too much of it, it`s likely tequilya.

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza. I guess I should have put it on aloha temperature.

Trump tweet… “I don`t want to brag, but I just finished a jigsaw puzzle in two weeks, and the box said – 2 to 4 years.”

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Trivia quiz

Post by TJrandom » Sat Aug 18, 2018 11:17 am

I feel stupid. I lost the pub trivia quiz on the last question last night.

The question was, "Where do woman have the curliest hair"?

Apparently, the answer is Fiji.

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Porn

Post by TJrandom » Sat Aug 18, 2018 9:08 pm

A priest booked into a motel and said, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."

The girl behind the counter said, "No, it's just kiddie porn, you sick prick".

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Ranch hand

Post by TJrandom » Sat Aug 18, 2018 9:22 pm

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was sexually ambiguous – not looking her up and down as she experienced with most men, and the other was an obvious drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the first one, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk, and who knows, just maybe she would get lucky.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." All the while thinking that with a bit of relaxation, he might show a personal interest upon his return.

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town that night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.

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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Sat Aug 18, 2018 10:09 pm

:lol:
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Free drinks

Post by TJrandom » Fri Aug 24, 2018 6:11 am

Have you heard of the bar that is serving free drinks? Unfortunately, quite to their consternation, they can`t get anyone to take up their lavish offer… of free drinks on any day that Trump doesn`t say something stupid.

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