Jokes

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TJrandom
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Braggart

Post by TJrandom » Thu Mar 22, 2018 10:33 pm

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of John, one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, John had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."

He reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

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Re: Braggart

Post by Mara » Sat Mar 24, 2018 2:08 am

TJrandom wrote:A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of John, one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, John had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."

He reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
That's what I call a well thought strategy :-)

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Banksmanship

Post by TJrandom » Mon Apr 02, 2018 10:49 pm

My bank just called me about suspicious activity on my account.

They didn't believe I bought a gym membership.

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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Tue Apr 10, 2018 3:57 am

Two clowns are eating a cannibal when one looks at the other and says, "Man, that guy really {!#%@} up this joke, didn't he?"
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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Tue Apr 10, 2018 4:50 am

:lol: I dont get it, but its still funny!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Austin Harper » Tue Apr 10, 2018 3:17 pm

The joke is typically:
Two cannibals are eating a clown when one looks at the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"
Dum ratio nos ducet, valebimus et multa bene geremus.

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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Tue Apr 10, 2018 8:20 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

And I thot TJ had uzed up all the good jokes!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Cadmusteeth » Fri Apr 13, 2018 3:21 pm

The inventor of the throat lossange just died, there will be no coffin at the funeral.

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Re: Jokes

Post by OlegTheBatty » Fri Apr 13, 2018 6:43 pm

The inventor of the crematorium just published his memoirs. It's a heart-warming story.
. . . with the satisfied air of a man who thinks he has an idea of his own because he has commented on the idea of another . . . - Alexandre Dumas 'The Count of Monte Cristo"

There is no statement so absurd that it has not been uttered by some philosopher. - Cicero

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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Tue Apr 17, 2018 7:25 am

A good friend of mine who happens to be a midget was pickpocketed today.
I just don't know how someone could stoop so low.
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Re: Jokes

Post by OlegTheBatty » Tue Apr 17, 2018 7:09 pm

fortunately, my friend was a balloonist so he could rise above it.
. . . with the satisfied air of a man who thinks he has an idea of his own because he has commented on the idea of another . . . - Alexandre Dumas 'The Count of Monte Cristo"

There is no statement so absurd that it has not been uttered by some philosopher. - Cicero

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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Tue Apr 17, 2018 10:19 pm

Someone cut a hole in the fence at the local nudist colony.
The cops are looking into it.
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Vaseline

Post by TJrandom » Thu Apr 19, 2018 6:50 am

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”

She said, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”

“If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “What do you use it for?”

“We use it when we make love,” she said.

The researcher was a little taken aback. “Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it?”

The woman said, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out.”

Now just what were you thinking? ……

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Drunk driver

Post by TJrandom » Fri Apr 20, 2018 10:06 pm

Recently a police patrol car was strategically parked outside a bar so that he could see the bar exit and the parking lot.

After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off even though it was a fine, dry summer night. He flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test. To his amazement, the breathalyser indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Sat Apr 21, 2018 1:00 am

:lol:
.
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third wish

Post by TJrandom » Sat Apr 21, 2018 7:08 pm

A grandma was cleaning her attic with her cat by her side for company. Amongst the boxes and old papers she found a little lamp. She picked it up and wiped it off with her apron, when "POOF" out popped a Genie.

"I will grant you three wishes" proclaimed the Genie. The grandma thought for a moment and said "I wish I was the most beautiful 20 year old woman in the world, I wish I had more money than I knew what to do with, and I wish you would turn my cat into the most handsome prince around."

The Genie nodded and after a huge cloud of dust cleared, the Genie was gone and so was the lamp.

The grandma looked at herself and she was certainly beautiful. She was surrounded with scads of money in Large Bills. She flung an armful in the air and watched it flutter down around her. She giggled with delight at the mountains of cash.

Then she turned to look where her adoring cat once stood. There in the feline's place stood a tall, dark, handsome man with chiselled features, a washboard stomach, broad shoulders, and a soccer-players-tush. She almost swooned.

She walked over to him. He put his arms around her, brushed his hand upon her cheek, looked deep into her eyes and whispered softly, "Now, aren't you sorry that you had me neutered?"

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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Sat Apr 21, 2018 7:55 pm

:lol:
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new girlfriend

Post by TJrandom » Sat Apr 21, 2018 10:03 pm

My new girlfriend's car had a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's had a puncture."

"Oh ,"she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time."

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Speed trap

Post by TJrandom » Tue Apr 24, 2018 6:09 pm

Two Queensland Police Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on the Cunningham Highway, just west of the Amberley Air force Base at Ipswich. The officers were using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill and were suddenly surprised when their radar guns began reading 500 kph.

The officers attempted to reset the radar guns, but they would not reset and then turned off. Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to an F/A-18F Super Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location. Back at the QLD Police Headquarters the Patrol Sergeant fired off a complaint to the Base Commander.

The reply came back in true military style: Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location. Fortunately, the Senior Pilot flying the Hornet recognised the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defence system a full second before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.

The pilot also suggested that you should cover your mouths when cursing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech and read your lips. Fortunately for you, the Senior Pilot failed in his attempt to rest the missile in time to address the obvious terrorism.

Finally, Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the left radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.

Thank you for your concern.

Wing Commander Brown, SFO
Amberley. Ipswich, Qld.

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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Tue Apr 24, 2018 7:11 pm

:lol:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Wed Apr 25, 2018 12:48 am

But did they send Sergeant Johnson the ticket for speeding?
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
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Re: Jokes

Post by OlegTheBatty » Fri Apr 27, 2018 5:51 pm

Doctors report that the man who fell into the upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
. . . with the satisfied air of a man who thinks he has an idea of his own because he has commented on the idea of another . . . - Alexandre Dumas 'The Count of Monte Cristo"

There is no statement so absurd that it has not been uttered by some philosopher. - Cicero

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Deliver

Post by TJrandom » Mon Apr 30, 2018 1:48 am

Dr. addressing a very pregnant wife and her husband: I’m the doctor who will deliver your baby.

Husband: We would prefer he keeps his liver.

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Snow

Post by TJrandom » Fri May 04, 2018 9:52 am

After a prediction of overnight snow which didn`t materialise, a female news anchor in Michigan turned to the weatherman and asked: 'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'

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SEX

Post by TJrandom » Fri May 11, 2018 9:53 am

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"


LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"


QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"


CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."


WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"


WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.


ELDERLY SEX
One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor living apartment. Killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defence. She began coolly, "Yes, your honour, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex. He could fly."

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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Fri May 11, 2018 4:59 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Holy Photo

Post by TJrandom » Sat May 12, 2018 8:52 pm

The Pope was having a shower. Although he was very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed to exercise the Papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy semen flying through the air.

"Hold on a minute!" said the Pope, “You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!"...

"This is my lottery win", said the photographer, "I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!"

So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer, and after much negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of $2,000,000.

The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera. Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper. Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said, "That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?"

Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, "....two million Dollars..."

"TWO MILLION Dollars!" replied the housekeeper, "they must have seen you coming!"

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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Sun May 13, 2018 9:18 pm

:lol:
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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Wed May 16, 2018 2:05 am

Thot up 1/2 a joke today!

You know wut they call a 32" TV theze dayz?

A cell fone.
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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Wed May 16, 2018 2:21 am

:lol:
.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Wed May 16, 2018 5:53 am

First, I give you some money. Then, nice and slowly, I enter you and immediately it is so wet. And then you finish me off with a nice, big blowjob and I'm done and gone.
I just love going to the drive through carwash, don't you?
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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Sat May 19, 2018 11:19 am

A man walks into a bar looking sad and orders a drink.
The bartender asks, "You look a little down. Is everything ok?"
The man says, "Today is my birthday and my coworkers all chipped in and got me a sweater."
The bartender says, "Well that was very thoughtful of them. But why does that bum you out?"
The man answers, "Because last year, they got me a screamer."
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Lumberjack

Post by TJrandom » Mon May 21, 2018 5:50 am

Did you know that Raymond Burr had a brother who was a lumberjack? His name was Tim.

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Re: Vaseline

Post by Major Malfunction » Mon May 21, 2018 7:58 am

TJrandom wrote:A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”

She said, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”

“If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “What do you use it for?”

“We use it when we make love,” she said.

The researcher was a little taken aback. “Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it?”

The woman said, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out.”

Now just what were you thinking? ……
I was thinking you shouldn't use petroleum gel as lubricant while having sex with a condom, because it will dissolve the condom, because latex is a petroleum polymer, and petroleum gel is a solvent of petroleum polymer products. And that's obviously why you have so many kids. And you probably shouldn't use petroleum products on your skin (and especially not the very delicate membranes of sexual organs). Petroleum products have some interesting and unique carbon molecular structures that have been causationally-linked with all kinds of cancerous {!#%@}.

But then I thought... "Vaseline for bicycle chain lube? Why the {!#%@} didn't I think of that???"
This being was produced using the same process as other beings, and therefore, may contain traces of nuts.

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{!#%@}!

Post by TJrandom » Mon Jun 04, 2018 3:50 am

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realises her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says: “Well, that's great....that's just great..........some {!#%@}'s got my pen!”

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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Mon Jun 04, 2018 4:40 am

:lol:
.
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Dogs

Post by TJrandom » Sun Jun 10, 2018 11:12 pm

Sixteen logical reasons why some men have dogs and not wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave lots of things on the floor.
4. Dogs' parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go, instantly, 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're pissed.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. Dogs won't wake you up at night to ask: "If I died, would you get another dog?"
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and sell 'em.
11. When you drop a silent one, dogs don't run around frantically with room spray.
13. Dogs never tell you to stop scratching your balls. Instead, they sit pondering why you don't lick 'em.
15. If a dog smells another dog on you, it won't kick you in the crotch; it just finds it interesting.

And last, but not least:
If a dog runs off and leaves you, it won't take half your stuff.

To verify these statements:
Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour.
Then open the door, and observe who's happy to see you....

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WiFi

Post by TJrandom » Sun Jun 10, 2018 11:17 pm

I've just discovered the quickest way to call a family meeting.....

I turned off the WiFi router and simply waited in the room where it's located.

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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Mon Jun 11, 2018 12:58 am

I own the world’s worst thesaurus. Not only is it awful, it’s awful.


A lot of people cry when they cut onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.


If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?


Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?


If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.


What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.


So what if I don’t know what “Armageddon” means? It’s not the end of the world.


Meanwhile in a parallel universe: “Oh for God’s sake! Where are all these extra single socks coming from?!”
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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Mon Jun 11, 2018 10:54 am

Thoze are from that comedian hooz name I will remember in a month or so. Made hiz TV day byoo on Letterman in the 80z.
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