Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Postby TJrandom » Wed Sep 06, 2017 7:56 am

Gord wrote:Here's a joke that shouldn't be a joke: http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/entry/brit ... aafcf31cc6

British Airways Magazine Really Thinks Lupita Nyong'o Is From Fictional Wakanda
Wakanda is the fictional African country where Marvel's "Black Panther" is set, not Lupita's hometown....

...Twitter user @MrFilmkritik shared a photo of the magazine’s global best-dressed feature, which lists several celebs along with their city of residence. Everyone’s information is accurate except for the 34-year-old actress who’s described as “The Marvel: Lupita Nyong’o (Wakanda).”...

...Lupita N’yongo isn’t from Wakanda. Wakanda isn’t real....

...Nyong’o is indeed co-starring in Marvel’s “Black Panther” film, but a quick Google search shows that the actress was born in Mexico, raised in Kenya and apparently lives in Brooklyn....

:mrgreen: Welcome to Wakanda: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wakanda_(comics)


Yes, yes... but Wakanda could be any of those places, since it isn`t real and all.... ;)

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Magician

Postby TJrandom » Wed Sep 06, 2017 7:00 pm

"A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three.

He says, 'uno, dos...' and poof.

He disappeared without a tres."

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Re: Jokes

Postby Cadmusteeth » Thu Sep 07, 2017 5:30 pm

:mrgreen: Horrible

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Presidential truth

Postby TJrandom » Fri Sep 08, 2017 9:21 am

George Washington: I cannot tell a lie.

Richard Nixon: I cannot tell the truth.

Donald Trump: I cannot tell the difference.

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Re: Jokes

Postby Major Malfunction » Mon Sep 11, 2017 11:16 pm

It's not really a joke, more a situational comedy anecdote that just sprung to mind for no particular reason...

I used to love playing Neverwinter Nights online. Dungeons & Dragons, for the uninitiated. Played it for years. Nearly always a cleric, because everyone needs a cleric, right?

So this one time we're running around in a party and someone complains one of the members isn't carrying his weight. His real life sister speaks up and says he only has one arm. So I ran over and cast a heal spell on him.

I guess you had to be there. :)
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Re: Jokes

Postby Gord » Tue Sep 12, 2017 11:50 am

Neverwinter Nights? I don't know what that is. I play Neverwinter, though: http://www.arcgames.com/en/games/neverwinter
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Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Wed Sep 13, 2017 6:44 am

donald trump's granddaughter goes to Ivanka and asks, "Mommy, can I get pregnant and have a baby of my own?"
Ivanka answers, "Of course not, honey, you're not old enough. "
So the little girl runs back to the Oval Office and says, "OK, grandpa, we can play that game again!"
{!#%@} trump!

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Re: Jokes

Postby Gord » Wed Sep 13, 2017 9:54 am

Q: How many barbarians does it take to change a light bulb?

Spoiler:
A: None, because barbarians aren't afraid of the dark.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Major Malfunction » Wed Sep 13, 2017 10:11 am

Gord wrote:Neverwinter Nights? I don't know what that is. I play Neverwinter, though: http://www.arcgames.com/en/games/neverwinter

*sigh* Today's lost youth...
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Re: Jokes

Postby Gord » Wed Sep 13, 2017 11:47 pm

Major Malfunction wrote:
Gord wrote:Neverwinter Nights? I don't know what that is. I play Neverwinter, though: http://www.arcgames.com/en/games/neverwinter

*sigh* Today's lost youth...

Screw them, I'm not going out in this weather to look for them!
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Re: Jokes

Postby Nikki Nyx » Sun Sep 17, 2017 5:14 am

Reminds me of the multitude of Americans who said "yes" when asked if Agrabah should be bombed. It'd be a shame to ruin those beautiful cartoon minarets. But it would create a whole new world. :mrgreen:
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What are the facts? Again and again and again-what are the facts? Shun wishful thinking, ignore divine revelation, forget what “the stars foretell,” avoid opinion, care not what the neighbors think, never mind the unguessable “verdict of history”--what are the facts, and to how many decimal places? You pilot always into an unknown future; facts are your single clue. Get the facts!
—Lazarus Long, from Time Enough for Love, by Robert A. Heinlein

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Feel like a woman

Postby TJrandom » Fri Sep 22, 2017 9:22 am

On a recent flight from Chicago to Miami, a plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman in particular lost it. Screaming, she stood up at the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wailed. Then she yelled, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there was silence. Everyone had forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman at the front of the plane. Then a man stood up at the rear of the plane. He was gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He started to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt ......one button at a time. No one moved.

He removed his shirt. ...... muscles ripple across his chest....... She gasped..........

He whispered: ....... "Iron this, and get me something to eat...."

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Idiots

Postby TJrandom » Sun Sep 24, 2017 9:29 am

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out." As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.

The Drill Sergeant walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow.

The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, Drill Sergeant?"

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Jokes

Postby Matthew Ellard » Fri Sep 29, 2017 12:48 am

Sister Maria, the Catholic Nun has been working at the Vatican for three years. She had an important meeting with the Pope and woke up that morning and realised she was late. So Sister Maria quickly got dressed and started running to the meeting.

As she was running through the chapel another Nun yelled at her "Well Sister Maria, I can see you got out of the wrong side of bed this morning!"

As she was running down the stairs a Catholic Priest said "I can see that someone got out of the wrong side of bed this morning!!!"

As she was running up the stairs to the Pope's rooms, another nun screamed out "Bless you sister but it seems that someone here got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning."

Finally Sister Maria meets the Pope. The Pope says "There's something I must say first" however Sister Maria interrupted and said "Don't tell me I got out of the wrong side of bed this morning".

The Pope replied. "No. I was going to ask you why you are wearing the Cardinal's shoes"
:D

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Re: Jokes

Postby scrmbldggs » Fri Sep 29, 2017 2:13 am

:lol:
Hi, Io the lurker.

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Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Thu Oct 05, 2017 1:03 am

This guy meets this beautiful woman at a bar and they hit it off great. He finally works up the nerve to ask if she would like to spend the night with him. She seems like she wants to but she appears nervous. He asks her what the problem is and she says she really likes him but she thinks after he sees her naked, he wouldn't want to be with her anymore. She tells him that she has a wooden leg and expects him to make some kind of excuse to leave but to her surprise, he says, "I think you are wonderful. I've never met anyone like you. I would love to go to your room."
With that, she throws her arms around him and they go to the elevator to her room.
After an awesome night of lovemaking, they both fall asleep. The man wakes up early and remembers where he is. She is still there, sleeping. Curious, he lifts the blanket to see her prosthetic leg. He begins to fumble with it and it breaks apart in four pieces. Panicked, he runs out of the room, into the hallway seeking help.
He sees a man down the hall, stumbling and approaches him.
"Hey mister! You gotta help me! I got this girl in her room with one leg apart and I don't know how to put it back together!"
The man, very drunk and irritated, carrying an ice bucket, says, "Big deal, buddy. I got this chick in her bed with both legs apart and I can't remember the goddamn room number!"
{!#%@} trump!

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Re: Jokes

Postby bobbo_the_Pragmatist » Thu Oct 05, 2017 1:07 am

Aztexan wrote: The man, very drunk and irritated, carrying an ice bucket, says, "Big deal, buddy. I got this chick in her bed with both legs apart and I can't remember the goddamn room number!"

Very excellent lead up. Then..........it went down the hallway. ........and btw: those room numbers and long hallways really can be a bitch.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Thu Oct 05, 2017 1:13 am

Are you...are you throwing rotten lettuce at me?
{!#%@} trump!

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Re: Jokes

Postby bobbo_the_Pragmatist » Thu Oct 05, 2017 1:23 am

Aztexan wrote:Are you...are you throwing rotten lettuce at me?

sorry bout that. I started off going to compliment the lead up..........it was so good, the punch line was doomed.

The capper is having been in that drunk guys position. NOT FUNNY........at all.
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Re: Jokes

Postby JO 753 » Thu Oct 05, 2017 4:00 am

HEY! I started this thred so I'll be the juj uv that!

Ye, he'z rite. It wuz like a fansy car with a weak enjin. Way more setup than the punchline wuz worth. Common problem with jokes based on a play on wordz.

But dont go away in a huff, just try agen. Not every joke can be the greatest ever.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Thu Oct 05, 2017 5:44 am

Et tq?
{!#%@} trump!

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Re: Jokes

Postby JO 753 » Thu Oct 05, 2017 8:14 am

sore. i wontid tq laf, but it wuznt xer. :(
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Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Thu Oct 05, 2017 8:37 am

Two bums are desperate for a drink when one of them says, "How much money do we have?"
The other bum says, "Just some change."
The first one says, "Go buy a hot dog"
So off the bum goes and comes back with just a weiner. "This ain't enough for the both of us!"
The first one says, "We're gonna drink like kings all day. We go into a bar and order a few drinks. Just when they bring us the check, you keep this weiner in your pants. I'm gonna get on my knees. You unzip your pants and I'll pretend like I'm giving you head. They'll be so disgusted, they'll throw us out."

They try this at six different bars and each time it worked exactly as planned. They come in, order drinks then the first bum would go down on his friend and they'd get tossed out on their asses, laughing and enjoying the commotion they caused.
Later in the day they are both drunk when the first bum says, "My knees are starting to hurt. Gimme the wiener and let's switch places."
The second bum says, "Oh, that? I ate it after they threw us out of the second bar."
{!#%@} trump!

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Re: Jokes

Postby Matthew Ellard » Tue Oct 10, 2017 1:24 am

Soooooo........ Major Malfunction, Gandhi and Adolf Hitler are driving along in a car and there is a terrible accident and they all die, and all three go up to the Pearly Gates to meet Saint Peter.

Major Malfunction finds himself in a short line with Gandhi, in front of him, and Adolf Hitler at the front of the line. On the other side of the room is another line with three women. The first in that line, is Phyllis Diller at 90 years of age. However, behind Phyllis Diller is Scarlet Johansson in her underpants and behind Scarlet is Marisa Tomei, also in her underpants.

St Peter says "Adolf Hitler. You have been evil, bad to you fellow humans, mean to children and for this reason you will spend eternity with Phyllis Diller as your sexual partner." Poof...they both disappear.

St Peter then says to Gandhi "Gandi. You have been kind to your fellow humans, loving to your family and brought good to Earth. For this reason you I am blessing you with Scarlet Johansson as your sexual partner for eternity." Poof...they both disappear.

Major Malfunctions starts rubbing his hands together with glee.

St Peter then says "Marisa Tomei, you have been mean and nasty to your family and as eternal punishment.........". :D

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Shower Soap Survey

Postby TJrandom » Tue Oct 10, 2017 5:42 am

I have interviewed over 100 women on their use of soap in the shower.

Their most frequent response was “How did you get in here? Get out!”

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Re: Jokes

Postby bobbo_the_Pragmatist » Tue Oct 10, 2017 6:51 am

Matthew Ellard wrote: St Peter then says "Marisa Tomei, you have been mean and nasty to your family and as eternal punishment.........". :D

Sounds like......whatever works to me.
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Re: Jokes

Postby JO 753 » Fri Oct 13, 2017 9:45 am

Prostate: Well, everybody, {!#%@} just died. We're on our way to the hospital now.

Liver: Poor guy. Worked hard, did a good job, never got anything but jeerz and insults.

R. Kidney: Wuts going to happen?

L. Kidney: They'll haf to hire a new guy, uv course.

Spleen: Wut about re-asinement? The feet got sum experiens with stink & therez 2, so...

R. Foot: NO! WAY!

L. Foot: Ye, shut up, Spleen! Wut about you? Wut do you do anyway?

Heart: Stop bickering. You practically gotta be born into all our jobz, so nobodyz getting transfered.

Brain:(tokking to himself az usual, cant hear anybody) Maybe I'll take a job az a machinist, work a few months then screw up sumthing really expensive. Finally see if that 'Foreman'z going to ream you a new {!#%@}' lejend haz any truth to it.

Heart: No help there, az usual. We're all screwed.

Intestinez: Therez no 2 wayz about it. Theyre going to hire a new guy. A specialist.

L. Lung: Man! Whod want to do that job???

R. Lung: Nobody! Especially not in an old man!!!

Everybodypart iz groaning, griping, mumbling, crying az the ambulans iz pulling into the emerginsy entrans.

Then R. Ear pipes up: HEY! Wut about this fellow we've been hearing about all year?!

L. Ear: YE! All we EVER hear about this guy iz how much, how big or how unbelievable an {!#%@} he iz! He woud luv the job! Wuts hiz name agen?

Brain: Rolling down a hallway with my ass inside out - uv all the stoopid krap in the world - Why did godam Trump pop into my hed just now?

(retooled the end. better punchline sequense)
Last edited by JO 753 on Tue Oct 17, 2017 6:32 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Gawdzilla Sama » Fri Oct 13, 2017 4:16 pm

scrmbldggs wrote:It's a typo and should be "tooth and backth home". :-P
Chachacha wrote:"Oh, thweet mythtery of wife, at waft I've found you!"

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Re: Jokes

Postby Gord » Sat Oct 14, 2017 3:49 am

Trump and the leader of China are having a discussion. The leader of China says, "Don't turn the leader of North Korea from dictator to martyr," and Trump replies, "We say tomato."

(Paraphrased from Milton Jones, around this point somewhere.)
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Closing

Postby TJrandom » Sun Oct 15, 2017 8:59 am

Near the end of my operation I suddenly awoke and demanded the right to close the incision myself. The surgeon reluctantly agreed and handed me the needle, saying “Suture self.”

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Re: Jokes

Postby bobbo_the_Pragmatist » Sun Oct 15, 2017 11:09 am

NOT A JOKE at all. But pretty funny. The real Laffer Curve:

Image

https://www.improbable.com/2017/10/14/p ... esearch%29
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Watch

Postby TJrandom » Mon Oct 16, 2017 10:15 am

Wouldn't it be funny to secretly place a sex toy in someone else's yard sale then stand back and watch the reactions!

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Re: Watch

Postby Gawdzilla Sama » Mon Oct 16, 2017 1:56 pm

TJrandom wrote:Wouldn't it be funny to secretly place a sex toy in someone else's yard sale then stand back and watch the reactions!

Or child porn at a Catholic church sale.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Gawdzilla Sama » Mon Oct 16, 2017 1:56 pm

Joke of the day: We didn't go the Moon.
Chachacha wrote:"Oh, thweet mythtery of wife, at waft I've found you!"

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Re: Watch

Postby bobbo_the_Pragmatist » Mon Oct 16, 2017 2:10 pm

TJrandom wrote:Wouldn't it be funny to secretly place a sex toy in someone else's yard sale then stand back and watch the reactions!

Usually..............the dog eats it?
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Three sisters

Postby TJrandom » Tue Oct 17, 2017 10:22 am

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and
pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I
never get that forgetful, knock on wood . . ."

She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

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Re: Jokes

Postby JO 753 » Tue Oct 17, 2017 11:32 am

:lol:
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Re: Jokes

Postby bobbo_the_Pragmatist » Thu Oct 19, 2017 3:41 pm

I thought this was especially good: whole website is full of them. I actually lol.
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A real man

Postby TJrandom » Fri Oct 20, 2017 8:34 am

A Real Man …

A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down. He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day. He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires. He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be confident, sexy, seductive and invincible.

No wait... Sorry...I'm thinking of wine. It's wine that does all that … Never mind

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Senior gals

Postby TJrandom » Fri Oct 20, 2017 9:20 am

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. “Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?” I asked.

Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favourite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me", she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Centre and hang out with the gals.

I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club. She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her. She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, I'm in trouble again,” I said, “I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted. Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun...


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