Jokes

Laugh it up...
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Gord
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Re: Jokes

Postby Gord » Tue Sep 20, 2016 4:09 am

TJrandom wrote:
JO 753 wrote:I really do buy big bagz uv dog food and dont hav a dog!

That`s OK - just be careful when sniffin butts... :oldman:

Always, always, always sound advice.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE

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Re: Jokes

Postby JO 753 » Tue Sep 20, 2016 10:05 am

I get it for the racoonz. The possumz eat it also and occasionally a skunk showz up.
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Black & Pink

Postby TJrandom » Thu Sep 22, 2016 9:02 pm

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society. "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society".

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery", asked the couple?

"Because I am the artist, who painted the picture", he replied,

"In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. … They're just three Irish coal miners. …

The guy in the middle went home for lunch"

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Re: Jokes

Postby ElectricMonk » Sun Sep 25, 2016 7:35 am

"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy"
I've come up with a set of rules that describe our reactions to technologies:
Spoiler:
1. Anything that is in the world when you’re born is normal and ordinary and is just a natural part of the way the world works.
2. Anything that's invented between when you’re fifteen and thirty-five is new and exciting and revolutionary and you can probably get a career in it.
3. Anything invented after you're thirty-five is against the natural order of things.
- Douglas Adams

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Re: Jokes

Postby scrmbldggs » Thu Oct 13, 2016 4:52 am

A man hails a cab and on the ride realizes that he'd made a mistake when giving the cabby the destination. Since it's one without a partition, he taps the driver on the shoulder at which point the cabby shrieks, slams on the brakes, pops open the door and runs away fast. The guy is still sitting dumbfounded in the backseat when the beet-red driver returns and sheepishly apologizes, "Sorry, Mr... but until yesterday, I drove a hearse."

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mentalitis

Postby TJrandom » Thu Oct 13, 2016 6:00 pm

A noted psychiatrist was a panellist for a Trump town hall meeting. The Donald took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' he asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody, like me, who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' the doctor replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'

'What sort of question?' asked Trump.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

Donald thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'

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Rye bread

Postby TJrandom » Fri Oct 14, 2016 4:02 am

Two guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want five loaves."

She said, "My goodness, five loaves! Are you sure? By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this sh!t but me."

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Green tie

Postby TJrandom » Sun Oct 16, 2016 9:42 pm

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.

"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."

"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

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Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-

Postby TJrandom » Mon Oct 17, 2016 8:58 am

A long time ago, a young woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. She was sitting, out of sorts, when a Native American on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

Thankful, she climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would shout out a wild "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-" so loud that it echoed off the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, she expressed her thanks, and he yelled a final "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a!" and rode off.

"Why was that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.

"I don't know. I just rode behind him on the horse with my arms around his waist and holding onto the saddle horn so that I wouldn't fall off," the woman answered.

"Lady," the attendant said in a pained expression, "`Round here, the Indians don't use saddles.”

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bucket, paint, chickens, goose

Postby TJrandom » Sat Oct 22, 2016 6:14 am

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and 4 litre of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

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Trump Pumpkin

Postby TJrandom » Thu Oct 27, 2016 9:09 am

What do Donald Trump and a pumpkin have in common?

They are both orange on the outside, hollow on the inside, and should be thrown out come November.

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Pierre the fighter pilot

Postby TJrandom » Fri Nov 04, 2016 6:07 pm

It was a beautiful day and love was in the air. Marie leaned over to Pierre the fighter pilot and said, "Pierre, kiss me!" He grabbed a bottle of merlot and splashed it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" asked the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles, and they started kissing.

Things began to heat up. Marie said, "Pierre, kiss me lower." He tore her blouse open, grabbed a bottle of chardonnay and started pouring it all over her breasts.

"Pierre, what are you doing?" asked the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!" They resumed their passionate interlude. Marie leaned close to his ear and whispered, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"

Pierre ripped off her underwear, grabbed a bottle of cognac and poured it in her lap. He struck a match and lit it on fire. Marie shrieked and dove into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie threw her arms up and screamed furiously, "Pierre, what in the hell do you think you're doing?"

Pierre stood up defiantly and said, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"

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Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Fri Nov 04, 2016 6:43 pm

A man takes his wife to the doctor's office after she starts acting differently. After a few hours in the waiting room, he asks the doctor about his wife's diagnosis.
The doctor says, "After running some tests, I've narrowed it down to two possible conditions: your wife either has Alzheimer's disease or AIDS.

The man says, "Geez, doc. What do I do?

The doctor pulls him aside and tells him quietly, "Look. If I was you. I'd put her in the car, drive out into the country a few miles, and drop her off."

The man asks, "And then what, doc?"

The doctor says, "If she finds her way home, don't {!#%@} her."
This is a sentence. tHi5 iz a seN+3nce oN drUgs!!!

"When injustice becomes law, resistance becomes duty"--sign seen at Occupy Wall St. protest.

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Sawmill

Postby TJrandom » Sat Nov 05, 2016 6:56 pm

Paddy and Mick were two Irishmen working at the local sawmill. One day, Mick slipped and his arm was caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly put the limb in a plastic bag and rushed it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy went to the hospital and asked after Mick. The nurse said, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising". Paddy couldn't believe it, but there was Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm.

The very next day he was back at work in the saw mill. A couple of days went by, and then Mick slipped and severed his leg on another bloody big saw. So Paddy put the limb in a plastic bag and rushed it and Mick off to the hospital.

Next day he called in to see him and asked the nurse how he was. The nurse replied, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising". And sure enough, there was Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick came back to work. But, as usual, within a couple of days he had another accident and severed his head.

Wearily Paddy put the head in a plastic bag and transported it and Mick to the hospital. The next day he went in and asked the nurse how Mick was.

The nurse broke down and cried and said, "He's dead." Paddy was shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."

"No", said the nurse, "Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.”

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Lance Corporals

Postby TJrandom » Fri Nov 11, 2016 10:16 am

Two good old boys, Mick and Paddy, were promoted from privates to Lance Corporals. Not long afterward, they were out for a walk and Mick said, "Hey, Paddy, there's the NCO Club; let's you and me step in."

"But we're only privates," protested Paddy.

"We're Lance Corporals now," said Mick, pointing to his stripe and pulling him inside. "Now, Paddy, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we're privates," says Paddy.

"You blind, boy?" asked Mick, pointing again at his stripe. "We're Lance Corporals now!"

So they had their drink, and pretty soon a lass came up to Mick. "You're cute," she said, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of the gonorrhoea."

Mick pulled his friend to the side and whispered, "Paddy, go look in the dictionary and see what Gonorrhoea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

So Paddy went to look it up, came back, and gave Mick the big thumbs up. Three weeks later Mick was laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea.

Mick said to Paddy, "Why the hell did you give me the thumbs up?"

"Well Mick, in the dictionary, it said that gonorrhoea affects only the privates and we're Lance Corporals now."

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Robin Hood`s girlfriend

Postby TJrandom » Fri Nov 11, 2016 5:52 pm

A teacher asked her class "Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood's girlfriend?"

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Yes Miss, it's Trudy Glen."

"No Johnny, it's Maid Marian."

"But Miss, what about the song? Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding Trudy Glen. So you think Robin Hood made Marian too?"
Last edited by TJrandom on Sun Nov 13, 2016 3:30 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Jokes

Postby Gord » Sun Nov 13, 2016 2:51 am

This ain't a joke, but it's a series of emails between my mother and her "great grandson" (who is about 18 months old, I think, and incapable of actually sending an email). She made me print them out, so I'm posting them online out of spite.

Hello great gramma,

Thank you for the cookies you provided for me on Halloween. I have since become ill, and while I am recovering, I do enjoy partaking in a nightly cookie. Alas, my supply has been consumed, and I'm not sure how I'm going to manage for very long without those little morsels of deliciousness. I beg of you, if you can find it in your heart to make more, I would be most obliged.

Yours truly,
Little Joe.

Dear Little Joe,

I do not have chocolate chips to make those cookies. Would Monster cookies work? I can take some to Uncle Max's for you on Friday.

Regards,
Great Gramma

(If you don't know what she means by "monster cookies", these are monster cookies: http://www.centercutcook.com/jumbo-monster-cookies/ )
Dearest great grandmother,

Monster cookies will suffice until chocolate chips can be procured. These cookies of monstrous proportions intrigue me, as I have never tasted anything of the sort. I am confident that they will be a satisfactory substitution at this time.

Regards,
Little Joe

Dear Little Joe,

You area very lucky little man. Great Grampa went shopping and found the missing chocolate chips. I hope that I can find time tonight to get some cookies made. I still have to mix the dough but cannot get into the kitchen until Uncle Gordon--

WRONG.png

--finished cooking dinner. Do you think Mommy would bake the cookies if I give her some of the dough?

Regards,
Great Gramma

My dear great grandmother,

Yes, I believe that should be within my mothers skill set. I also believe that I can muster up enough charm to convince her to finish the task. Thank you for your assistance in this matter.

Yours,
Little Joe

Yeah. So, I print that conversation out, and my mother is threatening to hang it on her wall somewhere.
You do not have the required permissions to view the files attached to this post.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE

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Re: Jokes

Postby scrmbldggs » Sun Nov 13, 2016 2:57 am

Here, she might need some of these for that. :-D




(Those are cookie-shaped fridge magnets. Don't eat them!)

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Re: Jokes

Postby Gord » Sun Nov 13, 2016 3:07 am

They're probably healthier than the cookies my mother bakes.

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Gladys died

Postby TJrandom » Fri Nov 18, 2016 7:46 pm

Following the death of his wife a thrifty Yorkshire farmer visited the offices of the Yorkshire Post. After 50 years of happily married life he felt that an obituary would be in order.

When the receptionist on the desk informed the farmer of the cost he exclaimed in true Yorkshire fashion. "How Much?!" Then he reluctantly produced his wallet saying: "I want summat simple, my Gladys was a good-hearted and hard-working Yorkshire lass but she wunt 'ave wanted nowt swanky'.

"Perhaps a small poem," suggested the woman at the desk.

"Nay," said the farmer "she wunt 'ave wanted anything la-di-da, just put: 'Gladys Braithwaite's died'"

"You need to say when" he was told by the receptionist.

"Do I? Well, put died 17th March 2016. That'll do."

"It is usual for the bereaved to add some meaningful phrase about the dearly departed."

The man considered this proposal for a moment. "Well, put in, 'Sadly missed.' That'll do.'

"You can have another four words," explained. the woman.

"No, no!" he cried, "she wouldn't 'ave wanted me to splash out."

"But the extra four words are included in the price," the woman told him.

"Are they? You mean I've paid for 'em".

"Yes, indeed."

"Well, if I've paid for 'em" exclaimed the man, "Then I'm 'avin' 'em."

The obituary appeared in the Yorkshire Post the next morning. Gladys Braithwaite died.
17th March 2016. Sadly missed. Also Tractor for sale.

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Re: Jokes

Postby JO 753 » Fri Nov 18, 2016 10:20 pm

:lol:
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Re: Jokes

Postby Alisa254 » Thu Nov 24, 2016 4:14 am

Okay so, I couldn't read the whole lot. But it's really very hilarious.

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Secret to success

Postby TJrandom » Thu Nov 24, 2016 6:04 pm

On a personal note here, I have tried to live by these 2 rules for success.
1. Never reveal more than you know.

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Re: Jokes

Postby JO 753 » Thu Dec 08, 2016 11:25 pm

Ad in Ebay for a 50" TV had a little picture uv it. Underneath the picture the caption sed "click to view full size".

Didnt click kuz my laptop screen iz only 11".
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Re: Jokes

Postby scrmbldggs » Fri Dec 09, 2016 2:22 am

:lol:

That's quite a stretch... :-P

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Hymns for gays

Postby TJrandom » Thu Dec 15, 2016 11:09 pm

A gay man was at a Sunday service. The Pastor asked him to stand and select the three hymns for the celebration. He carefully looked over the crowd, and while he pointed out to the other worshippers, he yelled out: him, him and.....him

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Re: Jokes

Postby JO 753 » Fri Dec 16, 2016 1:52 am

U O! Lets not dejenerate to punz agen!

Side note:
JO 753 wrote:Didnt click kuz my laptop screen iz only 11".


Sumthing like this actually happened to me around 1998.

I had a flatbed scanner hooked up to my first computer. It had its own software and worked well. Wun day, Frank, my local Kramer equivelent frend, brot over an anteek copper tray with an etched imaje on it. He wanted a good picture to help sell it. The scanner program had an up/down control for the rezolution and I hit 'up' expecting it to stop at 500 or 1000. But it didnt! Just kept going! Apparently, they'd failed to put a limit in the software.

I stop at 3000. Obviously rediculous, but out uv curiosity, I hit the scan button. I'm expecting an error messaj to pop up, but no! It starts to run it!

Az its creeping along, I'm looking for a 'cansel' button or sumthing to stop it, kuz its going to take a month at the rate its going.

Therez nothing. Even turning the computer off didnt work. It just rezumed after turning it back on!

Eventually it finished scanning the tray, wich wuz sumthing like 10" x 15". It took a few dayz. Wut showed up on the monitor wuz a microscopic view uv a tiny patch. I coud move the view, but it woud take 10 minits to repozition, and uv cours, the computer wuz basicly useless till it finished.

I recall giving Frank a floppy disk with hiz pik on it. I still dont understand how the file fit on it or in the computer'z memory.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Gord » Fri Dec 16, 2016 2:55 am

One of my first Windows computers had a really weird quirk to it. I upgraded the RAM on it one day and discovered there were two memory chip slots rather than just one, so I plugged the new one in without unplugging the old one. And they both worked!! The computer added the two uneven values together and ran as if I was using a conventional amount of RAM. (I can't remember the values anymore. If it helps to understand the story, imagine one was 256K and the other was 512K, and the computer ran with 768K.)
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE

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Re: Jokes

Postby TJrandom » Fri Dec 16, 2016 9:32 am

Yesterday I went to a supermarket – a Coles, to buy cabbage - I was told there is a new law that if you buy cabbage from Coles, you're legally required to purchase carrots and mayonnaise as well.

Apparently it's called Coles Law.

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Re: Jokes

Postby Gord » Fri Dec 16, 2016 1:28 pm

Coles is a book store here. The cabbage might be in the cooking section.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE

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Re: Jokes

Postby Gord » Mon Dec 19, 2016 6:32 am

I just found out that "President Trump" is an anagram of "Mr. Putin's red pet". :lol:
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE

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Re: Jokes

Postby Major Malfunction » Tue Dec 20, 2016 4:46 am

Where'd the dot and apostrophe come from?
This being was produced using the same process as other beings, and therefore, may contain traces of nuts.

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Re: Jokes

Postby scrmbldggs » Tue Dec 20, 2016 6:27 am

Dat's sumthin' yer have to ask yer Grammar. :senile:

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Re: Jokes

Postby Major Malfunction » Tue Dec 20, 2016 7:10 am

Gord did it.
This being was produced using the same process as other beings, and therefore, may contain traces of nuts.

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Re: Jokes

Postby TJrandom » Tue Dec 20, 2016 8:42 am

Gord wrote:I just found out that "President T`rump." is an anagram of "Mr. Putin's red pet". :lol:


OK, OK, FIFY.... :roll:

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Re: Jokes

Postby Major Malfunction » Tue Dec 20, 2016 8:51 am

You don't use double quotation marks unless you're 'quoting' something. Gord.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Gord » Tue Dec 20, 2016 2:58 pm

Major Malfunction wrote:You don't use double quotation marks unless you're 'quoting' something. Gord.

Yes "I" do. :beee:
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"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
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Re: Jokes

Postby Austin Harper » Wed Dec 21, 2016 6:21 pm

Image
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redhead screams

Postby TJrandom » Sat Dec 24, 2016 6:30 pm

A gorgeous young redhead went to the doctor and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Please, show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her elbow and screamed. She then pushed her knee and screamed again; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.

Feeling emboldened and noticing that the young doctor was handsome, she very slowly and carefully unbuttoned her blouse and pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she then moved her hand `down there` and pushed, and screamed even more.

Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

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Re: Jokes

Postby JO 753 » Sun Dec 25, 2016 12:20 am

:lol:
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