Jokes

Laugh it up...
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Gord
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Re: Jokes

Postby Gord » Sat Aug 27, 2016 7:52 am

While going through the Recycle Bin on my computer just now, I moused over a blue button on my computer screen. It said, and I quote:

Help

Get help.

Is it asking me for it, or offering it? :befuddled:
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"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
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Re: Jokes

Postby JO 753 » Sat Aug 27, 2016 8:42 am

Same here. At least its strengthened my voise.
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Re: Jokes

Postby TJrandom » Sat Aug 27, 2016 9:08 am

Not sure what is happening these days, but I too find myself wondering around as I wander about trying to figure out what it was I was about to do and why I am at that particular spot. It usually clears if I backtrack my steps, but I also find that at that moment I can become distracted with some other minor task that could have been postponed. Good that various tasks get completed, but maybe not so good that completion of entire jobs get postponed. Siagh!

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Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Sat Aug 27, 2016 9:59 am

Dude, I love you but that joke sucked
This is a sentence. tHi5 iz a seN+3nce oN drUgs!!!

"When injustice becomes law, resistance becomes duty"--sign seen at Occupy Wall St. protest.

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Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Sat Aug 27, 2016 10:02 am

A man walks into a psychiatrist office and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. I can't seem to make any friends "

The psychiatrist asks, "Why do you think that is?"

The man says, "I dunno. You tell me, you prick"
This is a sentence. tHi5 iz a seN+3nce oN drUgs!!!

"When injustice becomes law, resistance becomes duty"--sign seen at Occupy Wall St. protest.

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Re: Jokes

Postby scrmbldggs » Sat Aug 27, 2016 3:03 pm

:hmm: I once worked for that man. :cry2:






Aztexan wrote:Dude, I love you but that joke sucked

:lol:

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Arrested

Postby TJrandom » Sat Aug 27, 2016 5:11 pm

Yesterday I filled the car up with gasoline but didn't notice I'd spilled some on my sleeve. Leaving the gas station I lit a cigarette and my sleeve burst into flames, so I opened the window and stuck out my arm to try and blow out the flames. The police were watching and immediately stopped me and then followed thru by arresting me for having a fire arm without a license....

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Re: Jokes

Postby JO 753 » Sat Aug 27, 2016 6:06 pm

Better than that last wun, but still way below the hi standardz you set.
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Re: Jokes

Postby scrmbldggs » Sat Aug 27, 2016 6:12 pm

JO 753 wrote:Same here. At least its strengthened my voise.

Now all we need is glasses. :nose:

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Re: Jokes

Postby TJrandom » Sat Aug 27, 2016 6:33 pm

JO 753 wrote:Better than that last wun, but still way below the hi standardz you set.


The joke is that the non-joke post wasn`t a joke at all.... :roll:

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Re: Jokes

Postby JO 753 » Sat Aug 27, 2016 6:59 pm

I no! Thats the joke!
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Top Docs

Postby TJrandom » Sun Aug 28, 2016 12:21 am

Three surgeons were comparing notes. One said a guy got 5 fingers chopped off, so I sewed them on and he's now playing in an orchestra.

The other said, Well I'm happy that I can top that. A guy who lost his legs and an arm came to me, I sewed them back on and he won a gold medal in the Olympics.

The third said that's nothing. A man riding a horse hit a train and all that was left was some blond hair and the horses arse. After I worked on them, my guy is now running for President.

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Re: Jokes

Postby JO 753 » Sun Aug 28, 2016 8:55 am

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Obamacare

Postby TJrandom » Sun Aug 28, 2016 5:56 pm

A surgeon was taking a patient through the urology ward. They passed a room with the door open and a man was masturbating. The patient, shocked, asked "is that allowed?", and the surgeon said “Yes, he has a condition which produces too much sperm and he has to release it regularly till we operate on him"

They walked on and another door was open and a nurse was performing oral sex on a man. The patient was shocked, and asked “ don't tell me he has a problem too?”

The doctor replied, "Yes, same condition but he signed up for medical insurance under Obamacare."

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Vet bill

Postby TJrandom » Tue Aug 30, 2016 3:51 am

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said; "I'm sorry, your duck (Cuddles) has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed; "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead." replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat.

The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said; "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried; "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!?"

The vet shrugged; "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but... with the Lab Report and the CAT Scan, it's now $150.

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Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Tue Aug 30, 2016 4:44 am

Ba dum tish
This is a sentence. tHi5 iz a seN+3nce oN drUgs!!!

"When injustice becomes law, resistance becomes duty"--sign seen at Occupy Wall St. protest.

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bullseye

Postby TJrandom » Tue Aug 30, 2016 10:29 pm

A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.

He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a small, live turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd.

An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was given another turtle.

Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored three bullseyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight. "That's fantastic", the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?"

The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to the target and inspecting it closely. "Yes, sir!", he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!"

"I don't want any bloody glasses", the drunk replied. "Give me another one of those little crusty meat pies!"

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Re: Jokes

Postby JO 753 » Tue Aug 30, 2016 11:56 pm

I herd that joke 10 yirz ago, exept it wuz darts at a bar and he sez "roast beef on a hard roll".
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busload of liars

Postby TJrandom » Wed Aug 31, 2016 8:16 am

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The farmer said he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?"

The farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

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Re: Jokes

Postby Gawdzilla Sama » Wed Aug 31, 2016 1:38 pm

How does an atheist say "Grace"?


Spoiler:
Grace.
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Re: Jokes

Postby scrmbldggs » Sat Sep 03, 2016 4:59 am

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an old oil lamp. Of course they rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, lounging on a boat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

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Moral Test

Postby TJrandom » Mon Sep 05, 2016 10:15 pm

I can't take credit for the following. I didn't write it, but I did like it:

Moral Test

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.

By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Only you will know the results, so remember that your answer needs to be honest.

THE SITUATION:

You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST:

Suddenly you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It’s Donald Trump! (The yellow rug was a dead giveaway.) At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.

YOU HAVE TWO OPTIONS:

You can save the life of Donald Trump, OR you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the last minutes of one of the world's most racist, egocentric, narcissistic, and dangerous men.

THE QUESTION:

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer.

"Would you...

a) select high contrast colour film, or

b) go with the classic simplicity of black and white?"

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Re: Jokes

Postby JO 753 » Mon Sep 05, 2016 11:25 pm

:lol:
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Re: Jokes

Postby ElectricMonk » Tue Sep 06, 2016 5:16 am

Obvious: I trust that my drones will capture the video in 4k anyway and instead ask her about Bengahzi, pretending I'll rescue her if she says it was all her conspiracy.
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1. Anything that is in the world when you’re born is normal and ordinary and is just a natural part of the way the world works.
2. Anything that's invented between when you’re fifteen and thirty-five is new and exciting and revolutionary and you can probably get a career in it.
3. Anything invented after you're thirty-five is against the natural order of things.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Gord » Tue Sep 06, 2016 2:23 pm

I would shout "Help! Help! Hillary Clinton has kidnapped me from the safety of my home and taken me to Florida so she can oppress me!"
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Re: Moral Test

Postby OlegTheBatty » Tue Sep 06, 2016 8:35 pm

TJrandom wrote:I can't take credit for the following. I didn't write it, but I did like it:

Moral Test

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.

By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Only you will know the results, so remember that your answer needs to be honest.

THE SITUATION:

You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST:

Suddenly you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It’s Donald Trump! (The yellow rug was a dead giveaway.) At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.

YOU HAVE TWO OPTIONS:

You can save the life of Donald Trump, OR you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the last minutes of one of the world's most racist, egocentric, narcissistic, and dangerous men.

THE QUESTION:

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer.

"Would you...

a) select high contrast colour film, or

b) go with the classic simplicity of black and white?"


That's just a reworking of:

If you were walking along a river bank and saw that a lawyer had fallen in and was drowning would you:

a) sit and watch?

b) go for lunch?
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Re: Jokes

Postby scrmbldggs » Wed Sep 07, 2016 2:47 am

Ah, good old lawyer jokes...

35. At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do.

Here, knock yourselves out. :-P

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Private parts

Postby TJrandom » Fri Sep 09, 2016 9:47 am

Old man Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.

'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace. 'My private parts died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his private parts hanging out of his pyjamas.

When he met Nurse Tracy, she said: 'Mr. Wallace, you shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your private parts back inside your pyjamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my private parts died.'

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pyjamas?'

'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

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Re: Jokes

Postby Poodle » Fri Sep 09, 2016 10:19 am

That's a terrible joke, but now I'm on tenterhooks waiting to find out what Nurse Tracy's role in reincarnation will be.

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Re: Jokes

Postby TJrandom » Sat Sep 10, 2016 12:24 am

Poodle wrote:That's a terrible joke, but now I'm on tenterhooks waiting to find out what Nurse Tracy's role in reincarnation will be.


Maybe resuscitation… thru hands on, tender massage, mouth-to-m..erm, … but nope, I don`t think that even our nurse Tracy can raise the dead. But reincarnation, now there is a possibility - no doubt supported by some on our forum.

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Re: Jokes

Postby scrmbldggs » Sat Sep 10, 2016 2:06 am

Tsk tsk tsk, how carnational...

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Three wishes

Postby TJrandom » Tue Sep 13, 2016 9:08 am

A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit an object buried in the earth, which turned out to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man pulled the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a flash of light and a clap of thunder and suddenly standing before him was a genie.

"As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes," said the genie, "But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over."

The man's most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones.

"Let's see. My first wish is..." He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, "...to live in a ten story luxury mansion."

The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his small home was transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion.

"Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable." said the man. There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive.

"You have one wish left, master. What is it to be?" asked the genie.

"I want to lose a testicle." said the man.

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Man or Woman

Postby TJrandom » Sat Sep 17, 2016 12:00 pm

Are you are Man or a Woman?

To find out the answer, look down...
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Look Down! Not scroll down, you bloody twit!!

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Re: Jokes

Postby ElectricMonk » Sat Sep 17, 2016 12:42 pm

"That meal was delicious, my Dear! Would you be so kind as to cook that for me again sometime soon?"
" I'm sorry, Darling, but eating poison mushrooms is a once-in-a-lifetime experience. "
I've come up with a set of rules that describe our reactions to technologies:
1. Anything that is in the world when you’re born is normal and ordinary and is just a natural part of the way the world works.
2. Anything that's invented between when you’re fifteen and thirty-five is new and exciting and revolutionary and you can probably get a career in it.
3. Anything invented after you're thirty-five is against the natural order of things.
- Douglas Adams

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Re: Jokes

Postby Gawdzilla Sama » Sat Sep 17, 2016 12:46 pm

How does an atheist say grace?

Spoiler:
"Grace."
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Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Mon Sep 19, 2016 3:07 am

A man gets a phone call late at night saying his wife was in an accident and he should get to the hospital immediately.
He gets there and finds the dr.
"How is my wife, doc?"

The doctor says, "Sit down, please. Your wife was in a horrible accident and was severely injured. She was ejected from the windshield and suffered massive head trauma. I'm afraid she is going to require constant care. That means you will have to feed her and bathe her. Since she has no control over her bowels, you will have to attend to her after each movement. She will never walk or speak again. Do you understand what I just told you? Are you prepared to care for her for the rest of her life?"

The man begins sobbing uncontrollably. Finally, he is able to ask, "Why did this have to happen? How will I take care of her? How will I do this?"

The doctor says, "I'm {!#%@} with you. She's dead."
This is a sentence. tHi5 iz a seN+3nce oN drUgs!!!

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Re: Jokes

Postby JO 753 » Mon Sep 19, 2016 3:14 am

I am embarrassed to admit that I laffed. Horrible. I am a horrible person.
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Dog food diet.

Postby TJrandom » Mon Sep 19, 2016 8:08 am

I went out to buy a huge bag of dog food for my dog. While in the check-out line, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog food, RIGHT???

So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, but that I was starting the Dog food Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital the last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with food Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's a** and a car hit me.

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JO 753
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Re: Jokes

Postby JO 753 » Mon Sep 19, 2016 11:39 pm

I really do buy big bagz uv dog food and dont hav a dog!
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TJrandom
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Re: Jokes

Postby TJrandom » Tue Sep 20, 2016 12:11 am

JO 753 wrote:I really do buy big bagz uv dog food and dont hav a dog!


That`s OK - just be careful when sniffin butts... :oldman:


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