Jokes

Laugh it up...
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email

Postby TJrandom » Fri Jul 08, 2016 11:30 pm

A mother-in-law arrived home from shopping to find her son-in-law in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened?" she asked anxiously.

"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to Mary telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home ... and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Mary, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Ah now, calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Mary would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

"I told you there must be a simple explanation............... She never got your email."

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Forever hold your peace

Postby TJrandom » Sat Jul 09, 2016 11:24 am

At a large wedding ceremony with full audio support for the rather large gathering, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was now their time to speak up, or forever hold their peace.

The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a small child and obviously pregnant with a second. She started walking toward the pastor slowly, weaving between the guests near the center of the gathering.

Everything quickly turned into chaos. The bride slapped the groom. The groom's mother fainted. The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation. The pastor was by now sweating profusely.

As the woman reached the halfway point, in a hesitating and breaking voice the pastor asked the woman, "Can... you tell us... erm, why you came forward? Wa... what do you have to say?"

The woman replied, "The sound system seems to be broken. We can't hear in the back."

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Re: Jokes

Postby JO 753 » Sat Jul 09, 2016 6:39 pm

:lol:
WUT 1 MaN RiTS, U TRILYN MA RED OVR U MILYN SeNCUREZ.
http://www.nooalf.com

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Re: Jokes

Postby Gord » Tue Jul 12, 2016 2:55 pm

The recommended age to use a ouija board is 8+. So, you need to be 21 to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
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The Golden Saloon

Postby TJrandom » Fri Jul 15, 2016 8:37 am

A guy went home completely drunk one night. As he lurched through the door he was met by his scowling wife, who was most definitely not happy. ‘Where the hell have you been all night?’ she demanded.

‘At this fantastic new bar,’ he said. ‘The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It’s got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works – hell, even the urinal’s made of gold!’

The wife didn`t believe his story, so the next day she called the information operator and found a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She then called the place to check her husband’s story.

‘Is this the Golden Saloon?’ she asked when the bartender answered the phone.

‘Yes it is,’ bartender answers.

‘Do you have huge golden doors?’

‘Sure do.’ ‘Do you have golden floors?’

‘Most certainly do.’

‘What about golden urinals?’

There was a long pause, then the woman heard the bartender yelling, ‘Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!’

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Re: Jokes

Postby scrmbldggs » Fri Jul 15, 2016 2:35 pm

:lol:




My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.

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Re: Jokes

Postby Major Malfunction » Fri Jul 15, 2016 3:06 pm

A muslim walks into a gay bar and shouts shots for everyone.
This being was produced using the same process as other beings, and therefore, may contain traces of nuts.

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Re: Jokes

Postby Gord » Sat Jul 16, 2016 12:25 am

"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE

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Funeral

Postby TJrandom » Sat Jul 16, 2016 4:49 am

The old man had died. His funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased - what an honest man he was, what a loving husband and kind father he was, that he had never cheated or beat his wife, that he never drank to excess, never gambled, nor fought with others. A saint, really - a man whom everybody could be proud to know and emulate.

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children.

"Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."

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Pokemon

Postby TJrandom » Sat Jul 16, 2016 10:07 pm

Kids are outside everywhere playing Pokemon, while dad is inside playing Pokemom.

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Re: Pokemon

Postby Matthew Ellard » Fri Jul 22, 2016 4:08 am

Australian police arrested a lady's handbag yesterday.

They also arrested a bracelet, two gold rings and broach.

Apparently the police are on the lookout for other accessories.

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Re: Pokemon

Postby Matthew Ellard » Fri Jul 22, 2016 4:12 am

OK. If you are reading this, whilst someone else is in the room.....do exactly as I say.

Raise you right hand high into the air and say to that other person.

"Why doesn't the Queen of England masturbate with this hand?"

They will say "I don't know"

Say to that person "because it's mine!!!!"
:D

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Drunk driving

Postby TJrandom » Fri Jul 22, 2016 7:00 am

An Englishman in France was totally drunk. A policeman stopped his car and asked the gentleman if he had been drinking.

With great difficulty, the Englishman admitted that he had indeed been drinking all day; that his daughter had just gotten married in the morning to a f(@#$?%g French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception along with a few glasses of single malt thereafter to get over the shame of it all.

Quite upset, the policeman proceeded to alcotest (breath test) him and asked the Englishman if he knew under French Law why he was going to be arrested.

The Englishman answered with a typical British hint of humour: No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is the one driving...

…on the other side of the car!

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Re: Jokes

Postby bobbo_the_Pragmatist » Fri Jul 22, 2016 7:08 am

Ha, ha..........you know............ I do believe the frogs would do that.
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Aussie cattle dogs

Postby TJrandom » Fri Jul 22, 2016 7:13 am

Malcolm Turnbull called Bill Shorten into his office recently and said, ‘Bill, I have a great idea. We are going to go all out & talk to country voters.’

‘Good idea Malcolm, how will we go about it?’ said Bill.

‘Well,’ said Malcolm, ’We’ll get ourselves one of those Driza- Bone coats, some RM Williams boots, a stick & an Akubra hat.

Oh, and a blue cattle dog.

Then we’ll really look the part. We’ll go to a typical old outback country pub, we’ll show we really enjoy the bush.’

‘Right.’ said Bill.

Days later, all kitted out & with the requisite blue heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for & found a typical outback pub. They walked in with the dog & up to the bar.

’G’ day mate,’ said Malcolm to the bartender, ‘two middies of your best beer.’

‘Good afternoon Malcolm,’ said the bartender, ‘two middies of our best coming up.’

Turnbull & Shorten stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now & again to whoever came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened & in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stock whip. He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip & looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders & walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the dog & lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head & went back to the other bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in & lifted the dogs tail and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually, Turnbull and Shorten could stand it no longer & called the barman over.

‘Tell me,’ said Shorten, ‘why did all those old stockmen come in & look under the dog’s tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?’

‘Strewth no,’ said the barman. ‘Someone told ’em there was a cattle dog in the bar with two arseholes.’

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The international Concert "Roady" Agency

Postby Matthew Ellard » Mon Jul 25, 2016 3:30 am

So the Rolling Stones decide to use an international road crew for their next tour. The tour manager rings up the International Road Crew Agency and orders his crew.

"Do You have any Poles?"

"Yeah, we have lots of Poles."

"I'll take two Poles as roadies. Do you have any Swedes and Norwegians?"

"Yeah, we have lots of Swedes and Norwegians"

"OK. I'll take one Swede, Two Poles and one Norwegian to load in the equipment. Do you have any Slovakians? I need one to test the microphone.

"No. We are out of Slovakians but the Czechs are really good at testing the microphone."

"OK I'll take two Poles, one Norwegian, one Swede and a CHECK.... ONE..... TWO."

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Re: Jokes

Postby TJrandom » Mon Jul 25, 2016 6:21 am

Made me think.... :lol:

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beautiful & sexy

Postby TJrandom » Mon Jul 25, 2016 7:33 am

A woman was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and her husband was sitting by her side. Her eyes fluttered open and she said, "You're beautiful." Then she fell asleep again.

Her husband had never heard her say that, so he stayed by her side. A few minutes later, her eyes fluttered open and she said, "You're sexy!" Then she fell asleep again.

A few minutes later, her eyes fluttered open and she said, "You're cute!"

The husband was disappointed because instead of "beautiful, or sexy" it was now "cute."
He said, "What happened to 'beautiful and sexy'?"

The wife replied, "The drugs are wearing off."

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Re: Jokes

Postby scrmbldggs » Tue Aug 02, 2016 6:06 am

Hmm, it's an image, but what the hey...

Spoiler:
Image



:lol:

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Sex, 50 years on

Postby TJrandom » Fri Aug 05, 2016 1:40 am

While dining at a fast food restaurant, a husband leaned over and asked his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she said, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, thought I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he followed them.

The elderly couple haltingly walked along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they made it to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifted her skirt and the old man dropped his trousers. As the old man moved in, she leaned against the fence. Then suddenly they erupted into the most furious sex that the policeman had ever seen. This went on for about ten minutes while both were making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapsed, panting on the ground.

The policeman was amazed. He thought he had learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggled to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, was still watching and thought to himself, … That was truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man was barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.

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Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Fri Aug 05, 2016 4:06 am

:lol: :lol: :lol:
I'm stealing this one
This is a sentence. tHi5 iz a seN+3nce oN drUgs!!!

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Re: Jokes

Postby scrmbldggs » Fri Aug 05, 2016 4:12 am

:lol:

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Re: Sex, 50 years on

Postby Gord » Fri Aug 05, 2016 5:59 am

TJrandom wrote:...A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, thought I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence....

whut? :|
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
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Re: Sex, 50 years on

Postby TJrandom » Fri Aug 05, 2016 7:24 am

Gord wrote:
TJrandom wrote:...A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, thought I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence....

whut? :|


A newlywed? A teenager? A pervert? :D

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Thai beauty

Postby TJrandom » Mon Aug 15, 2016 9:16 am

A man went to Thailand and met a very beautiful and lovely lady who he made his wife. A year later his mate at the golf club asked "How's that lovely wife you picked up in Thailand?"

"She died - rather suddenly"

"Oh I am very sorry to hear that - what happened?"

"Prostate cancer."

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A heart-warming lawyer story

Postby TJrandom » Fri Aug 19, 2016 12:26 pm

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass.”

“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.

“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there under that tree.”

“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You may come with us, also.

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!”

“Bring them all as well,” the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place. “The grass is almost a foot high.”

C’mon … did you really think there was such a thing as a heart-warming lawyer story?

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Re: Jokes

Postby scrmbldggs » Fri Aug 19, 2016 4:12 pm

Why are lawyers buried at 12 and not the customary 6 feet under?

Because deep down, they are good people, too.

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Search

Postby TJrandom » Sat Aug 20, 2016 10:37 pm

I 'm so MAD right now!!!!!!!! I had to leave the house to run to the store to pick up a few things. I run my errand and go back to my house. There are 4 police cars and 6 police officers in my home. The front door had been knocked off the hinges, stuff thrown everywhere, and apparently they were looking for something. So I'm stuck outside with this police officer and they are inside searching through everything, even my laundry. They checked inside my closets and under my mattress. They tore my things apart. So, as you can imagine, I'm getting upset, and I'm trying figure out what's going on.

I asked if they had a search warrant, and if I could see it. The cop in my bedroom yells, "Where did you hide it at? We know it's here! We are searching and we WILL find it."

Then I yell back, "If I had an idea of what you're looking for sir, maybe I could help!" He shoots me the "you wanna go to jail?" look, so I shut up and watch one of the other police officers look down at his phone.

Then he shouts, "Guys Stop! Hold on. We're in the wrong house! ...

The Pokémon is next door!"

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Blue suit

Postby TJrandom » Mon Aug 22, 2016 9:22 am

A man who had just died was delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asked the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man looked good in the black suit he was already wearing.

The widow, however, said that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wanted him in a blue suit. She gave the mortician a blank cheque and said, “I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.”

The woman returned the next day and to her delight, she found her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fit him perfectly.

She said to the mortician, “Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?”

To her astonishment, the mortician returned the blank cheque to her, saying: “There's no charge.”

“No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,” she said.

“Honestly, ma’am it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice… All I needed to do was to switch the heads.”

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Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Mon Aug 22, 2016 10:03 am

I got one
These four old guys are playing a round of golf. As one of the men was about to tee off, he noticed a funeral procession going by, so he removed his hat and stood silently as it passed by. As he was about to try again to tee off, one of the men said to him,
"After all these years of playing golf with you, I never knew you to be so sensitive and caring. That was kind of you. I'm touched."

As he resumed his stance and focused on the ball, he said, "Meh. It's the least I could do. Next week would have been our 48th anniversary."
This is a sentence. tHi5 iz a seN+3nce oN drUgs!!!

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A bad day

Postby TJrandom » Wed Aug 24, 2016 8:38 am

I was at a bar last night, just looking at my drink. I had good reason to just sit there and look at it, deep in contemplation. After several hours like this, a tattoo covered yakuza came in, stepped up close to me, looked me in the eye – grabbed my drink and drank it down. I couldn`t help myself. With tears in my eyes, and a helplessness in my voice, I asked why did you do that?

The yak said - "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that," I replied, wiping my tears, "This day is the worst of my life.

First, I overslept and went in late to my office. My outraged boss fired me. Then when I left the building to go to my car, I found out it was stolen and the police say they can`t do anything. I got in a cab to go home, and when I got out, I realized that I had left my wallet on the seat. The cab driver just drove away. I went inside my house where I found my wife in bed with the neighbour – and it was only 11am. Well, I left home, and wondered around aimlessly until I found this bar, and I have been staring at that drink all evening.

And then, just when I had decided to go ahead and put an end to my life, you showed up and drank my poison."

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Re: A bad day

Postby Gord » Thu Aug 25, 2016 6:47 am

TJrandom wrote:...I left home, and wondered around aimlessly....

wandered
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Re: A bad day

Postby TJrandom » Thu Aug 25, 2016 7:05 am

Gord wrote:
TJrandom wrote:...I left home, and wondered around aimlessly....

wandered


Siagh... :)

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Re: Jokes

Postby JO 753 » Thu Aug 25, 2016 7:39 am

Nooalf creeping in. WoNDRD
WUT 1 MaN RiTS, U TRILYN MA RED OVR U MILYN SeNCUREZ.
http://www.nooalf.com

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Re: Jokes

Postby Gord » Thu Aug 25, 2016 12:17 pm

JO 753 wrote:Nooalf creeping in. WoNDRD

More like old age. My father wonders around aimlessly these days, too.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE

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Re: Jokes

Postby Matthew Ellard » Fri Aug 26, 2016 1:57 am

Gord wrote:More like old age. My father wonders around aimlessly these days, too.


Check his hearing aid. Amanda's mother appeared to be going a bit off in the head. She simply couldn't hear the conversations, which compounded a manageable problem.

I'm also banning massed family gatherings of Amanda's family and children seeing her mother. They all talk over each other and her poor mum goes quiet. Even after my mother and father's strokes, I could get near normal conversations out of them, if I spent "one on one" time.

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Re: Jokes

Postby scrmbldggs » Fri Aug 26, 2016 4:52 am

Nah, I think he simply forgot where the off switch on his lawnmower is.

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Re: Jokes

Postby Gord » Sat Aug 27, 2016 4:52 am

Matthew Ellard wrote:
Gord wrote:More like old age. My father wonders around aimlessly these days, too.

Check his hearing aid.

Oh how I wish he would wear one! He won't even discuss it.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
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Re: Jokes

Postby scrmbldggs » Sat Aug 27, 2016 5:04 am

You've got to speak louder...

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Re: Jokes

Postby Gord » Sat Aug 27, 2016 6:47 am

And I usually have to say everything twice. Then my mother asks why I'm yelling, and I have to tell her twice.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE


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