Jokes

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TJrandom
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Car wreck

Postby TJrandom » Fri May 27, 2016 7:06 am

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.

"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?"

"Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.

"Yes."

"What else?"

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to the side of his mouth.

"They were smoking marijuana?"

"Yes."

"What else?"

The monkey slowly moved his hips back and forth.

"They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer.

"Yes."

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked."

"Yes."

"What were you doing during all this?"

"Driving" motioned the monkey.

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fromthehills
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Re: Jokes

Postby fromthehills » Sun May 29, 2016 6:03 pm

A teacher asked her student to use " centimeter" in a sentence.

The student replied, " My grandmother was arriving by train, and I was sent to meet her."

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Blond horses

Postby TJrandom » Tue May 31, 2016 10:04 am

A blonde bought two horses and could never remember which was which. A neighbour suggested that she cut off the tail of one horse, which worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. The second horse's tail tore in the same place and looked exactly like the other horse's tail. Our blonde friend was stuck again.

The neighbour then suggested that she notch the ear of one horse, which worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again, our blonde friend couldn't tell the two horses apart.

The neighbour then suggested that she measure the horses for height. When she did that, the blonde was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.

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Cadmusteeth
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Re: Jokes

Postby Cadmusteeth » Tue May 31, 2016 2:17 pm

Uh huh.

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fellatio

Postby TJrandom » Tue May 31, 2016 9:55 pm

You really have to appreciate a woman who repeatedly gags while performing fellatio. She obviously prefers you to oxygen.
Last edited by TJrandom on Sat Jun 04, 2016 10:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Crumpled Dollars

Postby TJrandom » Sat Jun 04, 2016 10:50 pm

With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No" said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her, and smiled approvingly.

She then asked, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"

“No I haven't," He said with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, unzipped her skirt, letting it drop to the floor and seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and flattened it on the table.

"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No way!" he said, even more curious to what would happen next.

She replied: "Go look in the garage."

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extreme workout videos

Postby TJrandom » Tue Jun 07, 2016 8:37 am

Can't afford P90X or INSANITY workout videos?

Go find a wasp nest and slap the {!#%@} out of it. Soon you will be shadow boxing, bicycle kicking, and twirling while floating, with perfection.

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Re: Jokes

Postby scrmbldggs » Tue Jun 07, 2016 4:14 pm

:lol:

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Re: Jokes

Postby Matthew Ellard » Wed Jun 08, 2016 1:10 am

Q : What's the difference between a $5 haircut and a $75 haircut?
A: Two weeks



Q : What's the difference between a $20 blow job and a $200 blow job.
A: The length of the queue.

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A kick in the nuts

Postby TJrandom » Wed Jun 08, 2016 12:30 pm

I trimmed some Matsu pines today, and after doing so I sat down and had some cold sake. The day was really quite beautiful, and the sake facilitated some deep thinking.

My ...wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said 'nothing' instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she then would have asked 'about what?' At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they "know"?

Well, after several cups of sake, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really "know", here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for more sake, and then maybe a nap in that hammock.

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Re: Jokes

Postby Gord » Thu Jun 09, 2016 5:27 am

I have heard guys say they would like another kick in the nuts. It's usually right after they've said something stupid about their wives, and been overheard. And then they usually have the balls to blame me for it! I've also heard, "Why is it that every time I talk to you I end up sleeping on the couch for a week?"
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
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Re: Jokes

Postby Major Malfunction » Thu Jun 09, 2016 11:16 am

How are little girls and math similar?

If it's under 16 you do it in your head.
This being was produced using the same process as other beings, and therefore, may contain traces of nuts.

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dangerous dog

Postby TJrandom » Fri Jun 10, 2016 8:59 am

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! - posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because", the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

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spare bed?

Postby TJrandom » Fri Jun 10, 2016 9:44 pm

My mate called me today and said, "I've just had a huge fight with the wife. Have you got a spare bed for a few weeks until I find a flat?"

"I'm afraid not," I replied, "but I've got a sofa, if that's any good, but to be perfectly honest it isn`t very comfortable, and the dog, you know – well it smells a bit."

"Perfect," he said. "You're an absolute legend! I'll send her round in a bit!!

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lorry driver

Postby TJrandom » Sat Jun 11, 2016 9:50 pm

A lorry driver went on a date with a girl, and afterwards they went back to her parents place. They were just beginning to have sex on the porch when he felt the cold steel of a gun barrel on his neck.

Before he could turn around her father said, "If you are a real lorry driver, you'll be able to back out of there with a full load!!

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Trump

Postby TJrandom » Wed Jun 15, 2016 9:43 pm

You know that little thing inside your head that keeps you from saying things that you shouldn`t? Well, Trump doesn`t have one.

When I listen to Trump, I can`t help but wonder – Who the hell ties your shoes for you?

So for Trump, when is `Old enough to know better. supposed to kick in?

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New supermarket

Postby TJrandom » Wed Jun 15, 2016 10:25 pm

A new high-end supermarket opened close by. It has an automatic mister to keep the produce fresh. When it is about to turn itself on, it plays the sounds of distant thunder and emits the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the dairy cabinet you hear the soft mooing of gentle cows, and smell the sweet aroma of fresh cut hay.

Approaching the egg display you hear the cackle of chickens and smell the aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie display offers the mouth-watering aroma of buttered sweet corn.

I don`t recommend that you buy your toilet paper there.

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Re: New supermarket

Postby Matthew Ellard » Thu Jun 16, 2016 12:15 am

TJrandom wrote: I don`t recommend that you buy your toilet paper there.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t925JwYXhVA
Drum roll = Toilet paper roll.

(I'm totally wasted in accounting. I'm going to get a job in a Japanese supermarket, in the toilet paper section!)

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Re: New supermarket

Postby Gord » Thu Jun 16, 2016 6:06 am

TJrandom wrote:...an automatic mister to keep the produce fresh.

I hate those things. Did I go to the supermarket for a bath? No I did not! I went for celery, carrots, and a rutabaga. But at each one of those, while I was selecting the ones I wanted, I got showered by the automatic mister.

Even if they play some sort of sound effect to warn me, I don't recognise it as a warning. If they're playing the sounds of thunder and rain, then I'll just be thinking, "It's okay, I'm indoors, it doesn't rain indoors anymore, this is the 21st gordamn century!"

If they really want to warn me that I'm about to be hosed down, they should start playing stripper music.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7TBrh259zig

Idiots. Stop complicating things!! :shakefist:
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE

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Re: Jokes

Postby Gord » Thu Jun 16, 2016 7:44 am

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms, "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out, "I want a billion dollars!" POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact $1,000,000,003.50.

The second man thinks for a bit, then says, "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over $100 billion.

The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says, "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.

The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.

First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.

Second guy says, "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.

Third guy says, "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.

The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.

First guy does, and after a while says, "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.

Second guy says, "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.

Third guy smiles triumphantly and says, "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.

The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.

First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."

Second guy smiles and says: "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."

Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:

Spoiler:
"Guys, I think I {!#%@} up."
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE

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Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Thu Jun 16, 2016 8:29 am

A border patrol guard was bored one day when a man pulled up, wanting to cross into Mexico. He looked nervous and very suspicious so the guard asked him to pull aside and step out of the vehicle. The man complied and the guard told him to open the trunk. The man did and inside the trunk were huge plastic bags. "Jackpot!", thought the guard. "What's in the bags?"
"Dirt", replied the man.
"BS! I'm opening them up"
To his surprise, the bags contained nothing more than ordinary dirt so he had no choice but to let him pass.
The next day, the same man again pulled up and looked nervous and very suspicious. The guard thought, yesterday was a test run, today's the real deal. He ordered the man to pull aside and open the trunk. Sure enough, there were more bags. The guard thought he had him but upon inspection, it turned out to be more dirt. So he had to let him pass.
This went on every day for weeks until the guard started to go crazy and decided to retire and open a bar along the border. One night, the man came in and without recognizing the bartender, ordered a beer. The bartender asked the man if he remembered him. The man shook his head, no.
The bartender told him, "I used to workfor the border patrol. You passed by my checkpoint everyday. You know, it's been driving me crazy all these months and I'm not involved with law enforcement anymore. So tell me, what exactly were you doing?"
The man smiled and answered, " I was smuggling cars."
This is a sentence. tHi5 iz a seN+3nce oN drUgs!!!

"When injustice becomes law, resistance becomes duty"--sign seen at Occupy Wall St. protest.

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Re: Jokes

Postby Gord » Thu Jun 16, 2016 5:05 pm

I heard it differently, involving a Soviet factory worker and wheelbarrows full of hay.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE

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Re: Jokes

Postby JO 753 » Fri Jun 17, 2016 2:11 pm

I herd this in 1986 wile working on a part on a junky imitation Bridgeport milling machine. It wuz frum Eddie Murfy RAW and Teek, the welder, who told it to me had exelent dilivery.

A bear and a rabbit are running thru the forest. They stop to take a dump.

The bear asks: "Hey, do you hav that problem where {!#%@} sticks to your fur?"

"No. I never get that."

"Good!" sez the bear, then piks the rabbit up and wipes hiz ass with him!


I laffed so hard I coud barely breath. Had to stop working for about 5 minits.
WUT 1 MaN RiTS, U TRILYN MA RED OVR U MILYN SeNCUREZ.
http://www.nooalf.com

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A Very Lucky TV Repairman

Postby TJrandom » Sat Jun 18, 2016 1:40 pm

The little sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman couldn't keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came into the room, he'd near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her.

When he'd finished with the TV she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a . . . well . . . unusual request. But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a secret."

The repairman gulped and quickly agreed, and she went on. "Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man -- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man . . . "

The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes yes!"

"And I've been wanting to approach you ever since you came in the door . . . and you look to be, Oh, so very strong . . . "

"Yes yes!"

"Would you help me move the refrigerator?"

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Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Sat Jun 18, 2016 7:58 pm

A woman steps in the shower and as her luck would have it, the doorbell rings. She realizes she doesn't have a towel or a robe so she yells,"Just a minute ".
The man says, "Blind man, here."
She stops and thinks, since he's blind, he won't be able to see me.
So she heads to the door and opens it, naked and dripping wet. "Can I help you?"
Standing at the door, with eyes wide open, the man asks, "Wh-where would you like me to put these blinds, ma'am?"
This is a sentence. tHi5 iz a seN+3nce oN drUgs!!!

"When injustice becomes law, resistance becomes duty"--sign seen at Occupy Wall St. protest.

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Re: Jokes

Postby ElectricMonk » Tue Jun 21, 2016 2:37 pm

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson are going camping together.

In the middle of the night, Holmes wakes Watson:
" Watson, look up. What do you see?"

Watson takes a moment to think, then says:
"Well, Sherlock, from the position of the moon in the sky, I'd say it's somewhere between 2 am and 3 am. And from the clear sky I'd say we are going to have lovely weather tomorrow.
Why? What do you see?"

Holmes takes a moment, then says:
"Watson, someone stole our tent."
"As private parts to the gods are we! They play with us for their sport. "
- Lord Melchett, Blackadder II

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Re: Jokes

Postby Matthew Ellard » Tue Jun 21, 2016 11:58 pm

Sherlock Holmes : "Watson, my good man, I have a plan"
Dr Watson : Yes Holmes. What's to be done?
Sherlock Holmes : "First I want you to take off you trousers and undergarments"
Dr Watson :"This is a bit awkward but here goes"
Sherlock Holmes : "Secondly, I want to take this lemon and squeeze it all over your private parts"
Dr Watson :"OK Holmes. This is very peculiar.
Sherlock Holmes : "Thirdly, I want you to bend over the table"
Dr Watson :Enough is enough Holmes. What is going on here?

Sherlock Holmes Why, it's lemon-entry my dear Watson.

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Re: Jokes

Postby scrmbldggs » Sun Jun 26, 2016 11:02 pm

A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident at an intersection. They get out of their cars and find that neither is hurt, which is surprising because the cars are a mangled mess.

The priest says to the rabbi, "Thank the lord that we are both uninjured! That was terrifying. I still can't stop shaking. I was so frightened!"

The rabbi says, "Friend, I feel the same way. I saw my life flash before my eyes, but those airbags saved us. Look, I had this bottle of Manischevits wine on the seat next to me and it didn't even break! Here, let's have a drink to calm our nerves." as he hands the bottle to the priest

"Yes, and also to celebrate still being alive!" the priest says as he takes a long drink from the bottle.

He hands the bottle back to the rabbi who, instead of drinking, closes the bottle and puts it in his pocket.

"Aren't you going to have a drink?" the priest asks

"Not until after the cops get here."

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deep emotion

Postby TJrandom » Tue Jun 28, 2016 2:49 am

One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.

"A penny for your thoughts," she said.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."

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Re: Jokes

Postby scrmbldggs » Tue Jun 28, 2016 3:05 am

:lol:

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Re: Jokes

Postby ElectricMonk » Fri Jul 01, 2016 5:40 am

John: Haven't you been there?
Margaret: No, no I haven't.
Carrie: Oh, you must! You'll love it. It's like stepping back in time.
Margaret: Oh really?
John: Mm, Oh yes it's a, it's a real old fashioned family concern, hasn't changed in fifty years. It's a, it's a bit out of the way, of course, but it's well worth it.
Carrie: So unspoiled. It's only a young chap runs it now, but he does things exactly the same way his father did.
John: Yes, yes, and his grandfather.
Simon: Oh, what are you talking about?
John: North Korea.

- From John Finnemore's souvenir program
"As private parts to the gods are we! They play with us for their sport. "
- Lord Melchett, Blackadder II

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just waxin' my boat

Postby TJrandom » Fri Jul 01, 2016 9:37 am

Dave walked into a bar and saw John sittin at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face.

Dave asked "John what are you so happy for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here!

She asked "Can I have a ride in your boat?"

"I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave, she couldn't swim!!."

The next day Dave walked into the bar and saw John sittin at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face.

Dave asked "What are you so happy about today John?"

"Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me... tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here!

She asked 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'

"Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Dave, way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim!!, Dave, she couldn't swim!!!!"

A couple days passed and Dave walked into the bar and saw John down there cryin over a beer.

Dave asked "John, what are you so sad for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Dave, tits WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does.

She asked "Can I have a ride in your boat?"

"So sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'Its either screw or swim!!'

Then, she pulled down her pants.... she had a dick, Dave!!! She had a great BIG dick!!!.........

Dave, ..... I CAN'T SWIM!!!"

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Glow sticks

Postby TJrandom » Fri Jul 01, 2016 10:04 am

Stupid people are like Glow Sticks. I want to snap them nearly in two and then shake the {!#%@} out of them until a light comes on.

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Re: Jokes

Postby scrmbldggs » Fri Jul 01, 2016 2:15 pm

ElectricMonk wrote:John: Haven't you been there?
Margaret: No, no I haven't.
Carrie: Oh, you must! You'll love it. It's like stepping back in time.
Margaret: Oh really?
John: Mm, Oh yes it's a, it's a real old fashioned family concern, hasn't changed in fifty years. It's a, it's a bit out of the way, of course, but it's well worth it.
Carrie: So unspoiled. It's only a young chap runs it now, but he does things exactly the same way his father did.
John: Yes, yes, and his grandfather.
Simon: Oh, what are you talking about?
John: North Korea.

- From John Finnemore's souvenir program


Funny I should encounter this last nite. :-P

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TJrandom
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Zombies

Postby TJrandom » Fri Jul 01, 2016 9:57 pm

Daddy, I`m afraid of Zombies.

Don`t worry son, zombies aren`t real. They are just silly people with makeup.

Just like mommy?

Yes, just like your mommy.

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Copper Wire

Postby TJrandom » Sat Jul 02, 2016 11:25 pm

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British archaeologists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, Australia's Northern Territory Times, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek, Northern Territory, Matthew, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely Sweet {!#%@} all. Matthew has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless..."

Matthew said...`It makes me feel bloody proud to be Australian!`

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Re: Jokes

Postby scrmbldggs » Sun Jul 03, 2016 12:07 am

:lol:

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TJrandom
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Coroner exam

Postby TJrandom » Mon Jul 04, 2016 9:39 pm

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them his results after the examination.

"First body: Bill, an ex President, 69, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

"Second body: Frank, a great singer, 82, won a million dollars on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol Poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Donald from NY, 70, struck by lightning after telling a giant whopper of a lie – all caught on camera."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Well, he was having his picture taken."

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Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Mon Jul 04, 2016 10:00 pm

How many trump supporters does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they'll just retweet trump saying something racist and stupid about the room being black.
This is a sentence. tHi5 iz a seN+3nce oN drUgs!!!

"When injustice becomes law, resistance becomes duty"--sign seen at Occupy Wall St. protest.

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Wal-Mart Greeter

Postby TJrandom » Wed Jul 06, 2016 7:26 am

An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified -- an American, a Russian, an Australian and a Filipino.

He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine who of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know?"

Dave, the American, replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

"And now you sir?" he asked Vladimir, the Russian.

"Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed."

He then turned to George, the Australian who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's farm, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "Physicists will tell you that it's just not possible to beat the speed of light," he said.

Turning to Eleuterio, the Filipino, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Eleuterio replied, "Apter herring da 3 preybyus ansers sir, et's obyus to me dat the fastest thing is Diarrhea."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. The others were already giggling in their seats...

"Oh, I can expleyn sir," said Eleuterio. " You see, sir, da ader day my tummy was peeling bad and so I run so fast to the bathroom, but bepore I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, sir, I had alreydi sheet in my pants!"

Eleuterio is now the new "Greeter" at Wal-Mart


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