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Re: Jokes

Posted: Mon Jun 11, 2018 7:10 pm
by scrmbldggs
Aw, JO... "day byoo" is oneword. :-P

Re: Jokes

Posted: Mon Jun 11, 2018 8:18 pm
by Monster

Re: Jokes

Posted: Mon Jun 11, 2018 8:41 pm
by JO 753
I shoud be more careful. I hear you can be debutted for such egrejious mistakes.

Re: Jokes

Posted: Mon Jun 11, 2018 8:42 pm
by scrmbldggs

Old mule

Posted: Tue Jun 12, 2018 5:20 am
by TJrandom
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. But to no avail - she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head, no and mumble a reply. Very curious about this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'

Re: Jokes

Posted: Tue Jun 12, 2018 9:58 am
by JO 753

Lone Ranger

Posted: Fri Jun 15, 2018 8:44 pm
by TJrandom
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's Tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds," I'd like to speak to my horse....ALONE."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says:

"Listen very carefully, you dickhead, for the last time.......... . BRING POSSE!!!!"

Re: Jokes

Posted: Fri Jun 15, 2018 9:01 pm
by Aztexan
Ooh ooh I got one!
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding their horses when Tonto jumps off and puts his head to the ground, quietly listening.
After a few seconds he says, "Buffalo come."
The Lone Ranger is impressed and asks, "How can you tell?"
Tonto answers, "Ear stuck to ground."

Last request

Posted: Sat Jun 16, 2018 9:53 pm
by TJrandom
A sobbing Mrs. Murphy approached Fr O’Grady after mass.

He asked: “What’s bothering you, Mary?”

She replied: “Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”

The priest said: “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Did he have any last requests?”

“Certainly father,” she replied. “He said: “Please Mary, put down that damn gun.”