Jokes

Laugh it up...
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scrmbldggs
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Re: Jokes

Postby scrmbldggs » Fri Oct 20, 2017 6:26 pm

:lol:
.

Lard, save me from your followers.

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Re: Jokes

Postby JO 753 » Fri Oct 20, 2017 6:59 pm

Iz that a true story?
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Fascinating

Postby TJrandom » Sun Oct 22, 2017 1:52 am

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.

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Re: Jokes

Postby TJrandom » Sun Nov 12, 2017 10:00 am

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?'

I said, 'Thank you my love, I'll have chicken'.

She replied, 'You're having cabbage soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'

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Re: Jokes

Postby JO 753 » Sun Nov 12, 2017 2:52 pm

My dad woud occasionally complain that the cats ate better than he did.
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Re: Jokes

Postby TJrandom » Mon Nov 13, 2017 9:10 pm

At the gym I asked the trainer which machine I should use to make myself more attractive to women. He suggested that I use the cash machine in the lobby.

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Re: Jokes

Postby Nikki Nyx » Sat Nov 18, 2017 6:11 pm

Personally, I think this qualifies as a joke...

My Pharmacy EOB
Provigil - 3 month supply (2 tablets/day)
Provider Cost: $3,980
Insurance Payment: $215
My Co-Pay: $10

Humira - 1 month supply (two injector pens)
Provider Cost: $9,332
Insurance Payment: $4,303
My Co-Pay: $35
My insurance company must HATE me.
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Re: Jokes

Postby ElectricMonk » Sun Nov 19, 2017 8:55 am

Nikki Nyx wrote:Personally, I think this qualifies as a joke...

My Pharmacy EOB
Provigil - 3 month supply (2 tablets/day)
Provider Cost: $3,980
Insurance Payment: $215
My Co-Pay: $10

Humira - 1 month supply (two injector pens)
Provider Cost: $9,332
Insurance Payment: $4,303
My Co-Pay: $35
My insurance company must HATE me.


Insurance companies could save so much money if they could just have their most expensive customers whacked.
;)
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Dirty dishes

Postby TJrandom » Tue Nov 21, 2017 5:26 am

Larry went to visit his 86 year old grandfather on his farm. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, Larry’s grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon and eggs. Larry noticed a film like substance on his place, and questioned his grandfather asking, “Are these plates clean?”
His grandfather replied, “Well, ya know I don`t got no hot water. They’re just as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal”.

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, Larry was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked a lot like dried egg and he asked, “Grandfather, are you sure these plates are clean?”

Without looking up the old man said, “I told you before, I don`t have no hot running water, so they are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t you worry, I don’t want to hear another word about it”.

Later that afternoon, as he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog started to growl, and wouldn’t let him pass. Larry yelled and said, “Grandfather, your dog won’t let me get to my car”.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, ‘COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN NOW, YA HERE ME!!!”

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Re: Dirty dishes

Postby Gord » Wed Nov 22, 2017 3:41 am

TJrandom wrote:Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, ‘COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN NOW, YA HERE ME!!!”

Wow, not only was his grammar poor, but he even managed to misspell his spoken words!

Now that is a hard-working man.
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"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
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Re: Dirty dishes

Postby TJrandom » Wed Nov 22, 2017 11:44 am

Gord wrote:
TJrandom wrote:Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, ‘COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN NOW, YA HERE ME!!!”

Wow, not only was his grammar poor, but he even managed to misspell his spoken words!

Now that is a hard-working man.


He never got none of dat der formal edumacation... By the time the school marm found him he was more interested in her than on learnin.... ;)

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dangling participle

Postby TJrandom » Fri Nov 24, 2017 7:26 am

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.

The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man. The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: "1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."

The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say 1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

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Re: Jokes

Postby JO 753 » Fri Nov 24, 2017 2:39 pm

:lol:
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Re: Jokes

Postby Cadmusteeth » Fri Nov 24, 2017 2:53 pm

That would make a funny comic.

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Flintstones

Postby TJrandom » Sat Dec 02, 2017 7:07 am

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.

A spokesman for the channel said. "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humor, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do".

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Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Sat Dec 02, 2017 9:35 am

Topic Locked.
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Re: Jokes

Postby scrmbldggs » Sat Dec 02, 2017 3:12 pm

:lol:
.

Lard, save me from your followers.

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Odd job

Postby TJrandom » Thu Dec 07, 2017 3:49 am

I needed a guy to do odd-jobs. It didn't go as I had hoped. I gave him a list of eight things to do and he only did four of them - numbers one, three, five and seven.

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Horny neighbour

Postby TJrandom » Thu Dec 07, 2017 10:09 pm

I have a beautiful new neighbour. She's single... lives right across the road, and I can see her place from my deck. I watched as she got home from work this evening, and was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway and knocked on my door.

I rushed to open it, she looked at me and said… "I just got home and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk and make love all night long! Are you busy tonight?"

I gulped and quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free, I have no plans at all!"

She said, "Great! Could you watch my dog?"

Being a senior citizen really sucks!

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Re: Horny neighbour

Postby Gord » Fri Dec 08, 2017 12:52 am

TJrandom wrote:She said, "Great! Could you watch my dog?"

"Why, does it do tricks too?"
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
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Re: Jokes

Postby ElectricMonk » Fri Dec 08, 2017 5:40 am

I'm sure the dog wouldn't mind watching.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Cadmusteeth » Fri Dec 08, 2017 1:24 pm

They usually don't.

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Seasons greetings

Postby TJrandom » Sat Dec 09, 2017 2:23 pm

All,

I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my friends and colleagues, but it is difficult in today’s world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met with my lawyer yesterday, and on advice I wish to say the following:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2018, but not without due respect for the calendar of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that our country is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/him or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. The wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Best Regards (without prejudice)
Name withheld (Privacy Act).

(Merry Christmas and Happy New year to all of you Skeptics…., TJ)

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Re: Jokes

Postby ElectricMonk » Sat Dec 09, 2017 2:42 pm

I no longer send greeting cards to people - I have my lawyers send their lawyers some.
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Re: Flintstones

Postby Poodle » Sat Dec 09, 2017 8:34 pm

TJrandom wrote:A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.

A spokesman for the channel said. "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humor, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do".


Very late - but that made me giggle.

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Re: Jokes

Postby bobbo_the_Pragmatist » Sat Dec 09, 2017 9:17 pm

....................I had to read that twice.
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Mow the lawn

Postby TJrandom » Fri Dec 15, 2017 1:33 am

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

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News

Postby TJrandom » Sat Dec 16, 2017 4:25 am

When the doctor called me he said ‘Sir I have some bad news, and some worse news. Which do you wanna hear first?’

I replied, ‘I don’t know, I guess maybe I should hear the bad news first.’

The doctor said ‘I’m sorry, but you only have 24 hours to live’

‘Really!’ I exclaimed. ‘What could be worse than that?’

The doctor replied ‘Umm… I forgot to call you yesterday.’

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Lost

Postby TJrandom » Sat Dec 16, 2017 7:03 pm

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave, and there was a film crew shooting a commercial for a local mortuary.

As I was standing there I noticed 4 pall bearers walking about with a coffin. 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.

I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

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Paddy...

Postby TJrandom » Mon Dec 18, 2017 12:36 am

Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?" ... "I'm sending a voicemail ya fool!"


19 Paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" ... Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

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One liners

Postby TJrandom » Tue Dec 19, 2017 11:16 pm

----------

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!!

Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

----------

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

----------

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2.30am this morning, can you believe that 2.30am?!
Luckily for him, I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

----------

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

----------

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

----------

When I was in the pub, I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

----------

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

----------

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

----------

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.

"Bugger that" says Mick, have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

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Re: Jokes

Postby scrmbldggs » Tue Dec 19, 2017 11:38 pm

.

Lard, save me from your followers.

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Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Wed Dec 20, 2017 1:41 am

:rotfl: :rotfl: more christ :rotfl: :rotfl:
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Re: Jokes

Postby Cadmusteeth » Wed Dec 20, 2017 2:37 am

That was just a joke right?

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Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Wed Dec 20, 2017 9:07 pm

It's satire.
My wife recently told me this outrageous story about trump that had her livid. After she described his latest outrage, I started thinking, that sounds a little too outrageous, so I asked her who wrote it? She couldn't remember and I asked her, Was the author's name Borowitz? She looked it up and sure enough, it was the New Yorker satirizing that walking caricature of a Neanderthal moron with a low IQ, trump.
trump is Putin's bitch

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exotic dancer

Postby TJrandom » Thu Dec 21, 2017 11:50 pm

One day a fourth grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answer came up - fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father is an exotic dancer in a gay caberet and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher obviously shaken by this statement hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took Justin aside to ask him him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No", he said, "He plays for the JETS, but its too embarassing for me to have to say that in front of the other kids."

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Re: Jokes

Postby JO 753 » Fri Dec 22, 2017 3:58 pm

In the interest uv fairness, I invented 2 new wordz today: Dogastrofy and dogaclyzm.

Just thank me for not creating a putrid pun around them.
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United Way

Postby TJrandom » Fri Dec 22, 2017 6:12 pm

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... No, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?'

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?'

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Re: Jokes

Postby Nikki Nyx » Sat Dec 23, 2017 8:15 pm

JO 753 wrote:In the interest uv fairness, I invented 2 new wordz today: Dogastrofy and dogaclyzm.

Just thank me for not creating a putrid pun around them.
Unfortunately, you have to follow up on the fairness aspect by inventing "catma," the ideological concept that cats are somehow better than dogs.
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Re: Jokes

Postby OlegTheBatty » Sun Dec 24, 2017 12:08 am

Catgone it! What caterel!
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