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Dog house

Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2017 2:54 am
by TJrandom
My wife asked me what the female equivalent of a `man cave` would be, and without serious consideration I said – the kitchen. Ooops.

Re: Jokes

Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2017 12:06 pm
by Gord
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where is my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery.…"

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looks up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda.... No. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

Re: Jokes

Posted: Wed Mar 01, 2017 9:26 pm
by Cadmusteeth
If a pothead is also an {!#%@},
does that make them a pothole?

Re: Jokes

Posted: Wed Mar 01, 2017 11:37 pm
by Nobrot
Quasimodo gets in from work one night and spots Esmeralda in the kitchen messing around with a wok.
'Esmeralda my love are you preparing some delicious Chinese food?'.
'No. I'm ironing your {!#%@} shirts!'

Re: Jokes

Posted: Thu Mar 02, 2017 11:52 pm
by Nobrot
Quasi and Esmeralda were out on their first date in some dead posh expensive restaurant when at the end of the evening Quasi pulls his wallet out to settle the bill.
'Oh my lord Quasi, just look at the bulge in your wallet, are you rich?'
'No. It's a photo of me dad.'

A sign

Posted: Fri Mar 03, 2017 6:54 am
by TJrandom
Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before. The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."

The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late."

The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"

The second man replied, "I turned out the light.”

Moishe Plotnik

Posted: Sat Mar 04, 2017 10:36 am
by TJrandom
Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist from the Midwest was enjoying the artistry of all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners, etc., When he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry.'

'Moishe Plotnik?' he wondered. 'How does that belong in Chinatown?' He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking dry cleaner, although he could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the store name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo 'Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry.'

The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase. The tourist asked, 'Can you explain how this place got a name like 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry?''

The old man answered, 'Ah..Evleebody ask me dat. It name of owner.'

Looking around, the tourist asked, 'Is he here now?'

'It me, Me him!' replied the old man.

'Really? You're Chinese. How did you ever get a Jewish name like Moishe Plotnik?''

It simple' said the old man. 'Many, many year ago I come to this country. I, standing in line at 'Document Centre of Immiglation.' Man in front of me was man from Poland.'

'Lady at counter look at him and say to him, 'What you name?'

He (Polish man) say to her, 'Moishe Plotnik.'

Then she look at me and say, 'What your name?'

I say, 'Sam Ting.'

patience, patience....

Posted: Thu Mar 16, 2017 10:36 pm
by TJrandom
An elderly couple came back from a wedding one afternoon and were in a pretty romantic mood. While sitting on their loveseat, the elderly woman looked at her companion and said, "I remember when you used to kiss me every chance you had." The old man feeling a bit obliged leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek.

Then she said, "I also remember when you used to hold my hand at every opportunity." The old man again feeling obligated reached over and gently placed his hand on hers.

The elderly woman then stated, "I also remember when you used to nibble on my neck and send chills down my spine." This time, the old man had a blank stare on his face and started to get up off the couch.

As he began to walk out of the living room, mumbling to himself, his wife asked, "Was it something I said, where are you going?" The old man looked at her and replied, "Just hold on there, and please have some patience... I'm going in the other room to get my teeth!"

Colonoscopy

Posted: Sat Mar 18, 2017 10:12 am
by TJrandom
Being nervous, and embarrassed about my up-coming colonoscopy, on a recommendation, I decided to have it done while vacationing in Bangkok, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle and accommodating.

As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure.

"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me.

"I don't have an erection," I replied.

"Yes, I can see that, but I have," replied the nurse.

Don't get a colonoscopy in Bangkok.

Homeopathy

Posted: Mon Mar 20, 2017 7:31 pm
by TJrandom
I recently found and used a homeopathic cure for gullibility – the label suggested that it was great stuff, works wonders, and that YOU should try it. I`m still watching for positive results.

Velociraptor

Posted: Thu Mar 23, 2017 6:24 pm
by TJrandom
Velociraptor = distaraptor/timeraptor

Re: Velociraptor

Posted: Fri Mar 24, 2017 12:25 am
by Matthew Ellard
Tyrannosaurus, Peasantosaurus,

(Evidence of Early Marxist class structure in Dinosaurs)
:D

A gig

Posted: Fri Mar 24, 2017 10:58 am
by TJrandom
There is a fantastic new band called 999 Megabytes – but they still don`t have a gig.

April Fool

Posted: Thu Mar 30, 2017 7:53 pm
by TJrandom
Defence Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defence Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defence Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defence Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defence Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defence Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defence Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

Re: Jokes

Posted: Thu Mar 30, 2017 9:01 pm
by Cadmusteeth
Lot of boom boom boom boom and no.... Well you get it.

Wales

Posted: Sat Apr 01, 2017 12:16 pm
by TJrandom
It was a beautiful summer 's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.

At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress, “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly, please?”

The girl leaned over and said, “Burrr… gurrr… king.”

Friends

Posted: Wed Apr 05, 2017 9:32 am
by TJrandom
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

Rotation

Posted: Fri Apr 07, 2017 10:21 pm
by TJrandom
You know - I am told that the earth is rotating at over 1000 miles per hour, however I rarely feel the effect of it.

It usually takes me until the ninth or tenth pint.

Re: Jokes

Posted: Tue Apr 11, 2017 10:00 pm
by Cadmusteeth
A: "What happened?"
B: "I pulled the sheets off and the bed got angry."

Re: Jokes

Posted: Tue Apr 11, 2017 10:01 pm
by Cadmusteeth
"I have the memory of drywall, bump me once and I'll never forget it."

Re: Jokes

Posted: Wed Apr 12, 2017 5:28 am
by scrmbldggs
:lol:

United app

Posted: Fri Apr 21, 2017 9:08 am
by TJrandom
United Airlines smartphone app – Version 2.1.18, 85.8MB, released April 10, 2017, release notes: Supports drag and drop.

Re: United app

Posted: Fri Apr 21, 2017 8:39 pm
by OlegTheBatty
TJrandom wrote:United Airlines smartphone app – Version 2.1.18, 85.8MB, released April 10, 2017, release notes: Supports drag and drop.

I hear their marketing strategy is deseatful.

Re: United app

Posted: Fri Apr 21, 2017 10:16 pm
by scrmbldggs
OlegTheBatty wrote:
TJrandom wrote:United Airlines smartphone app – Version 2.1.18, 85.8MB, released April 10, 2017, release notes: Supports drag and drop.

I hear their marketing strategy is deseatful.

But smashing. The excitement gives ya a nosebleed!

Re: United app

Posted: Sat Apr 22, 2017 6:37 am
by TJrandom
scrmbldggs wrote:
OlegTheBatty wrote:
TJrandom wrote:United Airlines smartphone app – Version 2.1.18, 85.8MB, released April 10, 2017, release notes: Supports drag and drop.

I hear their marketing strategy is deseatful.

But smashing. The excitement gives ya a nosebleed!


And for Christmas - you might get your two front teeth....

Re: Jokes

Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2017 9:13 am
by Major Malfunction
Cadmusteeth wrote:If a pothead is also an {!#%@},
does that make them a pothole?

Or an asshead?

Re: Jokes

Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2017 11:32 am
by Major Malfunction
TJ's been on the For {!#%@}'s Sake again.

Re: United app

Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2017 4:24 pm
by scrmbldggs
:ahoy:


TJrandom wrote:
scrmbldggs wrote:
OlegTheBatty wrote:
TJrandom wrote:United Airlines smartphone app – Version 2.1.18, 85.8MB, released April 10, 2017, release notes: Supports drag and drop.

I hear their marketing strategy is deseatful.

But smashing. The excitement gives ya a nosebleed!


And for Christmas - you might get your two front teeth....

Handed out by the over-the-head department?

Re: Jokes

Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2017 4:55 pm
by Major Malfunction

Re: Jokes

Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2017 7:59 pm
by scrmbldggs
:lol:

Re: United

Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2017 10:16 pm
by fromthehills
And it feels so...good?

Re: Jokes

Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2017 10:24 pm
by Major Malfunction
When you don't pay attention in the safety briefing.

Re: Dog house

Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2017 10:40 pm
by Major Malfunction
TJrandom wrote:My wife asked me what the female equivalent of a `man cave` would be, and without serious consideration I said – the kitchen. Ooops.

Truth. For some reason chicks like to hangout in the kitchen. Blokes like to hangout wherever the chicks aren't.

Re: Dog house

Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2017 10:52 pm
by TJrandom
Major Malfunction wrote:
TJrandom wrote:My wife asked me what the female equivalent of a `man cave` would be, and without serious consideration I said – the kitchen. Ooops.

Truth. For some reason chicks like to hangout in the kitchen. Blokes like to hangout wherever the chicks aren't.


Careful.... careful...

Re: Dog house

Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2017 10:57 pm
by fromthehills
Major Malfunction wrote:
TJrandom wrote:My wife asked me what the female equivalent of a `man cave` would be, and without serious consideration I said – the kitchen. Ooops.

Truth. For some reason chicks like to hangout in the kitchen. Blokes like to hangout wherever the chicks aren't.



Erm...that's only when we get old.

Re: Jokes

Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2017 11:30 pm
by Major Malfunction
Nothing to be careful about. It's just something that I've noticed throughout my life. Anecdote.

More jokes.

Re: Jokes

Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2017 11:39 pm
by TJrandom
Major Malfunction wrote:Nothing to be careful about. It's just something that I've noticed throughout my life. Anecdote.

More jokes.


I was thinking your misses might be lurking.... :roll:

Re: Jokes

Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2017 11:45 pm
by fromthehills
TJrandom wrote:
Major Malfunction wrote:Nothing to be careful about. It's just something that I've noticed throughout my life. Anecdote.

More jokes.


I was thinking your misses might be lurking.... :roll:


God forbid his hits.

Re: Jokes

Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2017 11:49 pm
by Major Malfunction
I've got more exes than some kind of runiform that uses a lot of exes.

Re: Jokes

Posted: Mon Apr 24, 2017 12:02 am
by Major Malfunction
I've been awake for over a day. My funny peak is over. I'm going to bed. Entertain yourselves.