Jokes

Laugh it up...
Matthew Ellard
Real Skeptic
Posts: 26586
Joined: Fri Jun 13, 2008 3:31 am

Re: Jokes

Postby Matthew Ellard » Thu Jul 06, 2017 1:16 am

Q : What goes : Arrhhh 99 clump......Arrrhh 99 clump......Me hearties 99 clump. .
A : A pirate centipede with a wooden leg.
:D

Aztexan
King of the Limericks
King of the Limericks
Posts: 7893
Joined: Sun Apr 01, 2007 10:39 pm

Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Thu Jul 06, 2017 7:30 am

What goes clopity clop clop BANG?
An Amish drive-by
{!#%@} trump!

Aztexan
King of the Limericks
King of the Limericks
Posts: 7893
Joined: Sun Apr 01, 2007 10:39 pm

Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Thu Jul 06, 2017 7:36 am

How did Ivanka trump fight off her would-be rapist?
She said, "Knock it off, dad!"
{!#%@} trump!

User avatar
ElectricMonk
Persistent Poster
Posts: 3185
Joined: Thu Mar 26, 2015 6:21 pm
Custom Title: His Beatitude

Re: Jokes

Postby ElectricMonk » Thu Jul 06, 2017 7:43 am

Aztexan wrote:How did Ivanka trump fight off her would-be rapist?
She said, "Knock it off, dad!"



.. you are making a possibly unwarranted assumption there...
I've come up with a set of rules that describe our reactions to technologies:
Spoiler:
1. Anything that is in the world when you’re born is normal and ordinary and is just a natural part of the way the world works.
2. Anything that's invented between when you’re fifteen and thirty-five is new and exciting and revolutionary and you can probably get a career in it.
3. Anything invented after you're thirty-five is against the natural order of things.
- Douglas Adams

User avatar
TJrandom
Has More Than 7K Posts
Posts: 7492
Joined: Sat Aug 23, 2014 10:55 am
Location: Pacific coast outside of Tokyo bay.
Contact:

Wine taster

Postby TJrandom » Fri Jul 07, 2017 7:46 am

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to ”nicely” send him away in this “all too Politically Correct” world.

He gave him a glass of their low end wine to drink.

The drunk sipped it and without the traditional sniffing or swirling said, “It’s a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”

“That’s correct”, said the boss.

Another glass… “This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.”

“Correct.”

A third glass… “It’s a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,” the drunk said calmly.

The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.

The alcoholic tried it.

“It’s a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don’t get the job I’ll name the father.”

User avatar
TJrandom
Has More Than 7K Posts
Posts: 7492
Joined: Sat Aug 23, 2014 10:55 am
Location: Pacific coast outside of Tokyo bay.
Contact:

Old Sarg

Postby TJrandom » Fri Jul 07, 2017 3:13 pm

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

User avatar
TJrandom
Has More Than 7K Posts
Posts: 7492
Joined: Sat Aug 23, 2014 10:55 am
Location: Pacific coast outside of Tokyo bay.
Contact:

Yield!

Postby TJrandom » Sat Jul 08, 2017 9:04 am

A policeman explains at the scene of an accident: "The other driver had the right of way — didn't you see the 'yield' sign?"

The man replies, "I deed ... I yield and I yield and he deedn't heer me!"

User avatar
TJrandom
Has More Than 7K Posts
Posts: 7492
Joined: Sat Aug 23, 2014 10:55 am
Location: Pacific coast outside of Tokyo bay.
Contact:

5yo knocks up 18yo

Postby TJrandom » Fri Jul 14, 2017 6:11 am

Bob was staring sadly into his beer and sighed heavily.

“What’s up Bob?” asked the bartender…It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth.”

“It’s my five year old son…” the man replied.

“Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? – my lad’s just the same – forget about it; it happens to boys that age,” said the bartender, sympathetically.

“I only wish it was that,” continued the customer, “but it’s far worse than that. The little devil has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant.”

“Get away, that’s impossible!” gasped the bartender.

“It’s not,” said the man. "The little bastard stuck a pin in all my condoms.”

User avatar
Cadmusteeth
Regular Poster
Posts: 948
Joined: Tue Jul 15, 2014 7:43 pm
Location: Colorado, USA

Re: Jokes

Postby Cadmusteeth » Fri Jul 14, 2017 3:55 pm

I think the blame was misplaced.

User avatar
TJrandom
Has More Than 7K Posts
Posts: 7492
Joined: Sat Aug 23, 2014 10:55 am
Location: Pacific coast outside of Tokyo bay.
Contact:

reincarnation

Postby TJrandom » Fri Jul 14, 2017 6:04 pm

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe.

Who the hell are you?" demanded Dave, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter."

Dave was stunned "You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . you've got to send me back straight away."

St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Dave, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode."

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"

"Never!" replies Dave.

Well just relax and let it happen"

So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...

"Dave, wake up you drunken bastard, you've soiled the bed."

User avatar
TJrandom
Has More Than 7K Posts
Posts: 7492
Joined: Sat Aug 23, 2014 10:55 am
Location: Pacific coast outside of Tokyo bay.
Contact:

Wine

Postby TJrandom » Sat Jul 15, 2017 11:00 am

I saw an old wino yesterday - eating grapes.

I said to him,"Dude you gotta wait man".

User avatar
JO 753
Has No Life
Posts: 12289
Joined: Tue Mar 29, 2005 3:21 pm
Custom Title: rezident owtsidr
Location: BLaNDLaND
Contact:

Re: Jokes

Postby JO 753 » Sat Jul 15, 2017 1:05 pm

:lol:

Similar experiens:

I had a long term dispute with a co-worker about spray paint fumez. Wun day I saw him standing in front uv a wall sniffing the paint. (Not fresh paint)
Gubmint for us
http://www.7532020.com
not the rich.

User avatar
TJrandom
Has More Than 7K Posts
Posts: 7492
Joined: Sat Aug 23, 2014 10:55 am
Location: Pacific coast outside of Tokyo bay.
Contact:

Dogs

Postby TJrandom » Wed Jul 19, 2017 5:17 pm

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat, and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd" her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling, "HOT DOGS", get your dogs here." and they both walk towards the hot dog cart.

"Two dogs, please !" says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs".

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush, and then, after staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and in a soft brogue whispers:

"What part did you get ?"

User avatar
JO 753
Has No Life
Posts: 12289
Joined: Tue Mar 29, 2005 3:21 pm
Custom Title: rezident owtsidr
Location: BLaNDLaND
Contact:

Re: Jokes

Postby JO 753 » Wed Jul 19, 2017 6:15 pm

:lol:
Gubmint for us
http://www.7532020.com
not the rich.

User avatar
ElectricMonk
Persistent Poster
Posts: 3185
Joined: Thu Mar 26, 2015 6:21 pm
Custom Title: His Beatitude

Tourist in Spain

Postby ElectricMonk » Wed Jul 19, 2017 7:46 pm

An American tourist was visiting towns in Spain and decided to have lunch at the Bodega opposite of the Bullfighting Arena, the best Restaurant in town.
A lot of things on the menu looked great, but just as he was about to order, the guest on a nearby table got his food delivered on a magnificent silver platter. When the lid was lifted, it seemed to be a delicious-looking giant sausage dish with huge dumplings.

So the man asked the waiter to have the same.
But the waiter said:" I'm sorry, senor, but you have to order that dish in advance: you see, we make this only once per week and only one servings, because this is the speciality of our house: it's the shaft and testicles of the bull that was killed in the Arena today."
Now this was something the tourist wanted to tell his friends at home about, so he ordered the dish for the next week.
A week later, he was back at the restaurant.
Again the waiters came with the magnificent silver platter, but on the plate under the lid was only a small sausage and meatballs.
"This doesn't look anything like the meal last week!", the man complained.
But the waiter explained:"Unfortunately, it was the bull that won today."
I've come up with a set of rules that describe our reactions to technologies:
Spoiler:
1. Anything that is in the world when you’re born is normal and ordinary and is just a natural part of the way the world works.
2. Anything that's invented between when you’re fifteen and thirty-five is new and exciting and revolutionary and you can probably get a career in it.
3. Anything invented after you're thirty-five is against the natural order of things.
- Douglas Adams

User avatar
scrmbldggs
Has No Life
Posts: 19658
Joined: Sun May 20, 2012 7:55 am
Custom Title: something
Location: sees Maria Frigoris from its house!

Re: Jokes

Postby scrmbldggs » Wed Jul 19, 2017 11:43 pm

:lol:
Hi, Io the lurker.

User avatar
JO 753
Has No Life
Posts: 12289
Joined: Tue Mar 29, 2005 3:21 pm
Custom Title: rezident owtsidr
Location: BLaNDLaND
Contact:

Re: Jokes

Postby JO 753 » Thu Jul 20, 2017 10:39 am

:lol:
Gubmint for us
http://www.7532020.com
not the rich.

User avatar
TJrandom
Has More Than 7K Posts
Posts: 7492
Joined: Sat Aug 23, 2014 10:55 am
Location: Pacific coast outside of Tokyo bay.
Contact:

An Aussie drover

Postby TJrandom » Fri Jul 21, 2017 12:30 am

An Aussie drover walks into a bar with his pet crocodile by his side. He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of its head.

The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A Blonde woman timidly spoke up.

'I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!'

User avatar
Cadmusteeth
Regular Poster
Posts: 948
Joined: Tue Jul 15, 2014 7:43 pm
Location: Colorado, USA

Re: Jokes

Postby Cadmusteeth » Sun Jul 23, 2017 1:56 pm

Guy: Can I live here?

Guy with apartment: Absolutely not.

Guy: I have rent money.

Guy with apartment: Did you bring a toothbrush?

User avatar
Nikki Nyx
Veteran Poster
Posts: 2064
Joined: Wed Jun 07, 2017 12:40 am
Custom Title: cognitively consonant
Location: playing croquet in Wonderland

Re: Jokes

Postby Nikki Nyx » Sun Jul 23, 2017 8:44 pm

:laff:
What are the facts? Again and again and again-what are the facts? Shun wishful thinking, ignore divine revelation, forget what “the stars foretell,” avoid opinion, care not what the neighbors think, never mind the unguessable “verdict of history”--what are the facts, and to how many decimal places? You pilot always into an unknown future; facts are your single clue. Get the facts!
—Lazarus Long, from Time Enough for Love, by Robert A. Heinlein

User avatar
Nikki Nyx
Veteran Poster
Posts: 2064
Joined: Wed Jun 07, 2017 12:40 am
Custom Title: cognitively consonant
Location: playing croquet in Wonderland

Re: Jokes

Postby Nikki Nyx » Sun Jul 23, 2017 8:54 pm

Q. What happens when you pour root beer into a square glass?
A. It turns into beer.

Q. What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A. One's really heavy; the other's a little lighter.

Q. How many opticians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Is it one...or two? One...or two?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes Sean Connery.
What are the facts? Again and again and again-what are the facts? Shun wishful thinking, ignore divine revelation, forget what “the stars foretell,” avoid opinion, care not what the neighbors think, never mind the unguessable “verdict of history”--what are the facts, and to how many decimal places? You pilot always into an unknown future; facts are your single clue. Get the facts!
—Lazarus Long, from Time Enough for Love, by Robert A. Heinlein

User avatar
Gord
Real Skeptic
Posts: 29264
Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 2:44 am
Custom Title: Silent Ork
Location: Transcona

Re: Jokes

Postby Gord » Mon Jul 24, 2017 12:08 am

Q. Who is bigger, Mrs. Bigger or Mrs. Bigger's baby?
A. Mrs. Bigger's baby, because he is a little Bigger.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE

User avatar
TJrandom
Has More Than 7K Posts
Posts: 7492
Joined: Sat Aug 23, 2014 10:55 am
Location: Pacific coast outside of Tokyo bay.
Contact:

Pun Time....

Postby TJrandom » Thu Jul 27, 2017 11:58 pm

Pun time:

- How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

- Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

- A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy..

- I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

- Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

- England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

-I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

-They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

-I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

-Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.

-I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

-I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

-This girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

-When chemists die, apparently they barium.

-I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

-I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

-I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

-Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

-When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.

-Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.

-What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

-I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.

-All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.

-I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

-Velcro - what a rip off.

User avatar
Gord
Real Skeptic
Posts: 29264
Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 2:44 am
Custom Title: Silent Ork
Location: Transcona

Re: Jokes

Postby Gord » Fri Jul 28, 2017 12:26 am

Sounds like things Milton Jones might have said:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jV4ha4wj-ww
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE

User avatar
TJrandom
Has More Than 7K Posts
Posts: 7492
Joined: Sat Aug 23, 2014 10:55 am
Location: Pacific coast outside of Tokyo bay.
Contact:

Fried chicken

Postby TJrandom » Sun Jul 30, 2017 8:00 am

Our teacher asked what my favourite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favourite animal. I told my dad what happened and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.

I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favourite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office.

He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous military person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where the bloody hell I am now…

User avatar
Cadmusteeth
Regular Poster
Posts: 948
Joined: Tue Jul 15, 2014 7:43 pm
Location: Colorado, USA

Re: Jokes

Postby Cadmusteeth » Sun Jul 30, 2017 3:31 pm

This reminds me of the "Teaching with Love and Logic" that my mom got on CD. I think the love and logic is lacking there.

User avatar
scrmbldggs
Has No Life
Posts: 19658
Joined: Sun May 20, 2012 7:55 am
Custom Title: something
Location: sees Maria Frigoris from its house!

Re: Jokes

Postby scrmbldggs » Sun Jul 30, 2017 5:08 pm

Somehow reminds me of the little boy who would only draw in gloomy black and brown. The teacher watched that for a while, then asked the kid a few careful questions but didn't get anywhere with that. So she talked to another teacher who thought it might be best to consult with the principal who recommended the boy to be evaluated by the school psychologist.

When the psychologist met with him, he asked all sorts of questions, about his family and friends, his likes and dislikes and so on, but couldn't see anything alarming and out of the ordinary. So he eventually wanted to see how he drew and gave the little boy some paper and a box of crayons and his little face lit up like the sun and he exclaimed, "This is great! This box has all the colors! In class they gave me one with only black and brown."
Hi, Io the lurker.

User avatar
TJrandom
Has More Than 7K Posts
Posts: 7492
Joined: Sat Aug 23, 2014 10:55 am
Location: Pacific coast outside of Tokyo bay.
Contact:

Talking dog

Postby TJrandom » Mon Jul 31, 2017 6:15 am

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale . 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. ''I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a BS. He's never been out of the country!`

Aztexan
King of the Limericks
King of the Limericks
Posts: 7893
Joined: Sun Apr 01, 2007 10:39 pm

Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Mon Jul 31, 2017 7:39 am

Page 16; post #5
{!#%@} trump!

User avatar
TJrandom
Has More Than 7K Posts
Posts: 7492
Joined: Sat Aug 23, 2014 10:55 am
Location: Pacific coast outside of Tokyo bay.
Contact:

Re: Jokes

Postby TJrandom » Mon Jul 31, 2017 10:31 am

Aztexan wrote:Page 16; post #5


Yes yes... but in which thread? :mrgreen:

Aztexan
King of the Limericks
King of the Limericks
Posts: 7893
Joined: Sun Apr 01, 2007 10:39 pm

Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Mon Jul 31, 2017 5:53 pm

This one. I tried to tell one of your jokes but I couldn't tell it as well so I just wrote where it was. I hope I didn't screw it up.
{!#%@} trump!

User avatar
scrmbldggs
Has No Life
Posts: 19658
Joined: Sun May 20, 2012 7:55 am
Custom Title: something
Location: sees Maria Frigoris from its house!

Re: Jokes

Postby scrmbldggs » Mon Jul 31, 2017 6:01 pm

:lol:
Hi, Io the lurker.

User avatar
TJrandom
Has More Than 7K Posts
Posts: 7492
Joined: Sat Aug 23, 2014 10:55 am
Location: Pacific coast outside of Tokyo bay.
Contact:

Re: Jokes

Postby TJrandom » Mon Jul 31, 2017 7:16 pm

Aztexan wrote:This one. I tried to tell one of your jokes but I couldn't tell it as well so I just wrote where it was. I hope I didn't screw it up.


Your delivery was perfect! :lol:

User avatar
OlegTheBatty
True Skeptic
Posts: 10428
Joined: Thu Mar 27, 2008 2:35 pm
Custom Title: Uppity Atheist

Re: Jokes

Postby OlegTheBatty » Mon Jul 31, 2017 7:31 pm

TJrandom wrote:
Aztexan wrote:This one. I tried to tell one of your jokes but I couldn't tell it as well so I just wrote where it was. I hope I didn't screw it up.


Your delivery was perfect! :lol:


Meh. It was funny when YOU told it.
. . . with the satisfied air of a man who thinks he has an idea of his own because he has commented on the idea of another . . . - Alexandre Dumas 'The Count of Monte Cristo"

There is no statement so absurd that it has not been uttered by some philosopher. - Cicero

User avatar
Gord
Real Skeptic
Posts: 29264
Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 2:44 am
Custom Title: Silent Ork
Location: Transcona

Re: Jokes

Postby Gord » Mon Jul 31, 2017 8:44 pm

Aztexan wrote:Page 16; post #5

What, this one?
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE

Aztexan
King of the Limericks
King of the Limericks
Posts: 7893
Joined: Sun Apr 01, 2007 10:39 pm

Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Mon Jul 31, 2017 10:24 pm

Jesus christ that wasn't the one I saw. Now I can't remember which one it was or on which page.
I screwed it up.
{!#%@} trump!

User avatar
TJrandom
Has More Than 7K Posts
Posts: 7492
Joined: Sat Aug 23, 2014 10:55 am
Location: Pacific coast outside of Tokyo bay.
Contact:

Re: Jokes

Postby TJrandom » Tue Aug 01, 2017 9:25 am

Aztexan wrote:Jesus christ that wasn't the one I saw. Now I can't remember which one it was or on which page.
I screwed it up.


Now that IS funny... :lol:

Aztexan
King of the Limericks
King of the Limericks
Posts: 7893
Joined: Sun Apr 01, 2007 10:39 pm

Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Tue Aug 01, 2017 9:54 am

A travelling salesman was in the back roads out in the middle of nowhere and came across a little hole-in-the-wall tavern and decided to stop in for a drink. While he was sitting at the bar the lights went out and a spotlight pointed at the red curtain on the stage. The announcer's voice boomed, "Ladies and gentlemen, sit back and enjoy the show!"

With a drum roll, the curtains parted and out stepped a little old man wearing only a cape. He slowly walked up to a table that had a single walnut on it and dropped his cape.
The salesman was intrigued and sat up to get a better view.

The old man stood, naked, and as the drum roll continued, he grabbed his penis, swung it down and proceeded to smash the walnut to smithereens, pieces of nut and shell littering the table.
The drum roll ended, the old man turned and left the stage as the curtains closed and the lights came back on.
The salesman could not believe what he had just seen and everyone in tavern continued drinking and talking as if nothing happened. He finished his drink, paid, and walked out.

Twenty years later, the salesman found himself in the same back roads and remembered the little dive he found. Sure enough, as he rounded a curve, he saw the same little tavern and decided to stop in for a drink.
As he sat, nursing his drink, the house lights went out and a spotlight pointed at the red curtains on the stage as the voice said, "Ladies and gentlemen, for your entertainment, sit back and enjoy the show!"

The salesman said to himself, "That little old man was 80. Surely he's not still around"
As soon as he said that, the curtains parted, the drum roll starts and out walks the same little old man, wearing the same cape. He approaches the table, only now there is a single coconut on it. He grabs his penis and smashes it to pieces, chunks and milk flying everywhere.
The drum roll stops, the man exits the stage and the house lights go back on.
This time, curiosity is too strong so he goes back stage and knocks on the door and the little old man opens it.
The salesman explains, "I was here about 20 years ago and you did the same act, only last time it was a walnut. I come back 20 years later, thinking you'd surely be dead and I come to find not only are you still alive, you're now using your penis to smash coconuts! What gives?"

The old man gave a slight smile and said, "Well sonny, my eyes ain't what they used to be."
{!#%@} trump!

User avatar
Nikki Nyx
Veteran Poster
Posts: 2064
Joined: Wed Jun 07, 2017 12:40 am
Custom Title: cognitively consonant
Location: playing croquet in Wonderland

Re: Jokes

Postby Nikki Nyx » Wed Aug 02, 2017 4:36 am

Seen on Twitter...

PRIEST: Do you take Florence to be your lawfully wedded wife?

THE MACHINE: I do.

PRIEST: If anyone has reason to obj...

RAGE (from the back of the chapel): I object!
What are the facts? Again and again and again-what are the facts? Shun wishful thinking, ignore divine revelation, forget what “the stars foretell,” avoid opinion, care not what the neighbors think, never mind the unguessable “verdict of history”--what are the facts, and to how many decimal places? You pilot always into an unknown future; facts are your single clue. Get the facts!
—Lazarus Long, from Time Enough for Love, by Robert A. Heinlein

Aztexan
King of the Limericks
King of the Limericks
Posts: 7893
Joined: Sun Apr 01, 2007 10:39 pm

Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Wed Aug 02, 2017 4:46 am

#@$& Twitter!
Those sensitive, oppressive bastards banned my account. Apparently tweeting to that {!#%@} currently occupying the oval office that I hope he comes to Dallas and gets the Kennedy treatment is FROWNED UPON IN THAT ESTABLISHMENT!!!
{!#%@} trump!


Return to “The Funny Pages”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest