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TJrandom
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White parrot

Postby TJrandom » Sun Dec 25, 2016 7:40 pm

In front of a barber shop stood a magnific white parrot. Each morning and evening as a lady passed by on her way to and back home, the parrot greeted her with: ‘hi cutie.’

She simply ignored it for over a year, but finally became annoyed at the thought the barber was being rude by teaching this to his parrot, so she walked into the shop and complained to the owner.

He went outside and slapped the parrot silly telling him he'd wring his neck should he open his mouth again. But the next morning when she passed by, the parrot greeted her with: ‘hi cutie, love your body.’

So again the lady complained.

The barber gave the parrot the riot act and for punishment, he dipped the bird in black dye and put him back on his perch to dry.

Oh her way home the parrot said nothing – not a word. She turned to look at this new black parrot and said: `Well, I see you are better mannered than your white predecessor, suits him right. Can you talk?`

The parrot replied: ‘Listen LADY. I don't speak to just any cute girl when I'm wearing my tuxedo.’

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Re: Jokes

Postby Major Malfunction » Sun Jan 15, 2017 2:50 pm

I wrote a haiku,
About the changing seasons.
This being was produced using the same process as other beings, and therefore, may contain traces of nuts.

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Re: White parrot

Postby Gord » Sun Jan 15, 2017 3:57 pm

TJrandom wrote:...as a lady passed by on her way to and back home...

What does this phrase even mean? Is going "to and back home" one action or two? Are they different directions or the same direction? If they're different directions, how can that be? Does she have more than one home?

WHY IS THIS SO COMPLICATED?! :shakefist:
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
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Re: Jokes

Postby scrmbldggs » Sun Jan 15, 2017 4:09 pm

It's a typo and should be "too and back home". :-P

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Re: Jokes

Postby Nobrot » Mon Jan 16, 2017 2:30 pm

Ted the tramp was in front of the magistrates court again for being drunk and disorderly. The judge was about eighty and a bit deaf and Ted like most tramps was a bit lippy and belligerent. The charges were read out.
Fighting with bouncers outside a pub he'd been bared from and kicking the arresting cops in the shins.

Judge: 'Before I pass sentence what does the accused have to say on behalf of his defence?'

Ted: '.... ALL!'

Judge: Leaning to one side: 'clerk of the court, what did that man say?

CoTC: 'He said '.... all M lord'.

Judge: Hmm, that's funny I could have sworn I saw his lips move'.

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Re: Jokes

Postby Gord » Mon Jan 16, 2017 6:48 pm

It's okay, you can type the words here. The forums have personalised censorship settings, so if anyone doesn't want to see them, they don't have to. (Check your User Control Panel to set your censors to your personal preferences.)
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE

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Re: Jokes

Postby Nobrot » Mon Jan 16, 2017 9:12 pm

Hmm, I tried to say {!#%@} earlier in another thread but got the KB. Ok, I'll have a look at the seemingly horrendous process that will allow me to say tawt.

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Re: Jokes

Postby robinson » Tue Jan 17, 2017 8:20 pm

fook all
"If you tell people the truth, make them laugh. Otherwise they will kill you"
-- Oscar Wilde

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Re: White parrot

Postby TJrandom » Thu Feb 02, 2017 9:42 am

Gord wrote:
TJrandom wrote:...as a lady passed by on her way to and back home...

What does this phrase even mean? Is going "to and back home" one action or two? Are they different directions or the same direction? If they're different directions, how can that be? Does she have more than one home?

WHY IS THIS SO COMPLICATED?! :shakefist:


Ah yes... a test for pre-schoolers has you stumped. It happens to me sometimes too - now that I no longer go to work and make my way back home. :( :D :roll:

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Re: White parrot

Postby Gord » Thu Feb 02, 2017 10:02 am

TJrandom wrote:
Gord wrote:
TJrandom wrote:...as a lady passed by on her way to and back home...

What does this phrase even mean? Is going "to and back home" one action or two? Are they different directions or the same direction? If they're different directions, how can that be? Does she have more than one home?

WHY IS THIS SO COMPLICATED?! :shakefist:


Ah yes... a test for pre-schoolers has you stumped. It happens to me sometimes too - now that I no longer go to work and make my way back home. :( :D :roll:

So you go to and back home? You go to home, and then you go back home?
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE

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Re: White parrot

Postby TJrandom » Thu Feb 02, 2017 10:07 am

Gord wrote:
TJrandom wrote:
Gord wrote:
TJrandom wrote:...as a lady passed by on her way to and back home...

What does this phrase even mean? Is going "to and back home" one action or two? Are they different directions or the same direction? If they're different directions, how can that be? Does she have more than one home?

WHY IS THIS SO COMPLICATED?! :shakefist:


Ah yes... a test for pre-schoolers has you stumped. It happens to me sometimes too - now that I no longer go to work and make my way back home. :( :D :roll:

So you go to and back home? You go to home, and then you go back home?


Damn... I gotta spell it out fer ya... It was a fill-in-the blank test, with the blank obscqured.... to <work> and back home....

Yea yea, I know... but the sake is kickin` in... :D

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Re: Jokes

Postby Gord » Fri Feb 03, 2017 6:04 am

Yeah I still don't get it.... :P

Then again, I was never any good at preschool, either. "They" made me take it twice.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE

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Re: Jokes

Postby TJrandom » Fri Feb 03, 2017 6:18 am

Gord wrote:Yeah I still don't get it.... :P

Then again, I was never any good at preschool, either. "They" made me take it twice.


That is OK. It is indeed hard to find the elephants who are hidden in the refrigerator.... :nyanya:   Don`t take it personally – I don`t.

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Sex Frogs

Postby TJrandom » Wed Feb 08, 2017 9:55 am

A blonde went to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looked about the store she noticed a box FULL of frogs with a sign that said: 'SEX FROGS Only $20 each!, complete, with instructions`.

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody was watching her. She whispered softly to the man behind the counter 'I'll TAKE one!' As the man packaged the frog he quietly said to her 'Just follow the instructions!'

The blonde nodded, grabbed the box, and was quickly on her way home. As soon as she closed the door to her apartment she opened the instructions and read them very carefully.

She then did EXACTLY what was specified.
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly climbed into bed with the frog and to her surprise ..... NOTHING happened! The blonde was very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-read the instructions and noticed at the bottom of the paper it said 'If you have any problems or questions please call the pet store.'

So she called the pet store, and the man said that he would be right over. And within minutes the man was ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomed him in and said 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!'.

The man ........ looking very concerned picked up the frog, stared 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY said: 'LISTEN TO ME!! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE MORE TIME........

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Re: Jokes

Postby Gord » Wed Feb 08, 2017 3:33 pm

True story!

I was sitting around with some friends one day when the topic arose: Would you bother to stop to pick up a quarter or is it not worth the effort? Most of us agreed a quarter was worthwhile but that a penny wasn't. I, however, disagreed. I pick up pennies because I'm saving them up to make a statue of myself. :P Yes I am. It's true. But so far, I only have enough to build one foot and part of a shin.

So my friends asked me, what about a nickel? Is that worth the effort to bend over and pick up a nickel? I said yes, it's hard to say I would bend over to pick up a penny if I wasn't prepared to bend over for a nickel, so sure, I would bend over for a nickel. But they still didn't believe me.

Then Theresa showed up, and I thought she was a pretty reasonable person when it came to this sort of thing, so I asked her: "Would you bend over for a nickel?"

And she slapped me!
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
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Re: Jokes

Postby JO 753 » Wed Feb 08, 2017 3:45 pm

HA!

I see a potential problem with your statue: The foot you began with will look 20 yirz old and your hed will look 100. And the pennyz will be paradoxically old for the yung parts and new for the old parts!
WUT 1 MaN RiTS, U TRILYN MA RED OVR U MILYN SeNCUREZ.
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Fewer

Postby TJrandom » Wed Feb 08, 2017 11:03 pm

Trump: `The less immigrants we let in the better.`
Pence: `Fewer`
Trump: `Shhh… Don`t call me that in public yet.`

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Re: Jokes

Postby scrmbldggs » Wed Feb 08, 2017 11:04 pm

:lol:

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Re: Jokes

Postby Gord » Thu Feb 09, 2017 12:16 am

JO 753 wrote:...the pennyz will be paradoxically old for the yung parts and new for the old parts!

I'm gonna melt 'em down, duh! :pieface:
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE

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Re: Jokes

Postby TJrandom » Thu Feb 09, 2017 12:22 am

Ah, the origin of penny wise, pound foolish... :)

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Re: Jokes

Postby scrmbldggs » Thu Feb 09, 2017 12:26 am

Or you could just pour them into here and here. :-P

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Re: Jokes

Postby Gord » Thu Feb 09, 2017 1:52 am

TJrandom wrote:Ah, the origin of penny wise, pound foolish... :)

Meh. I'll lose a few pounds to save a few bucks.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE

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Why Trump is the Greatest

Postby TJrandom » Fri Feb 10, 2017 10:25 pm


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problems at work

Postby TJrandom » Sat Feb 11, 2017 1:42 am

A wife repeatedly called upstairs for her husband to get up, get dressed and get ready for work. It was a familiar routine.

"I feel sick," said the voice from the bedroom.

"You are not sick. Get up and get ready," called the wife, walking up the stairs and hovering outside the bedroom door.

"I hate work and I'm not going," said the voice from the bedroom, "I'm always getting things wrong, making mistakes and getting told off. Nobody likes me, and I've got no friends. And we have too many news reports to read and they are too confusing. It's all just pointless, and I'm not going to work ever again."

"I'm sorry, but you are going to work," said the wife through the door, continuing encouragingly, "Really, mistakes are how we learn and develop. And please try not to take criticism so personally. And I can't believe that nobody likes you - you have lots of friends at work. And yes, all those news reports can be confusing, but we all need to read them throughout our lives, so all of this experience at work is useful for life in general.

Besides, you have to go, you are the President."

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Another Parrot Joke

Postby Cadmusteeth » Sat Feb 11, 2017 3:58 am

A woman bought a parrot with beautiful plumage but the only thing it could say was "Who is it?" After a few days she realized that the bird's color clashed with the rest of the living room, so she called a decorator to give the room a new coat of paint. When he arrived to do the job, she had just gone out to post a letter, leaving the parrot in charge.
The decorator knocked on the front door.
"Who is it?" squawked the parrot.
"It's the decorator."
"Who is it?" repeated the parrot.
"It's the decorator."
"Who is it?"
"The decorater!" yelled the man.
"Who is it?"
"It's the goddamn decorator!"
"Who is it?"
"I said, it's the decorator!"
And with that, the man suffered a fatal heart attack and collasped on the doorstep.
A few minutes later, the woman returned home. Seeing the body on the step, she said: "My God! Who is it?"
The parrot replied: "It's the decorator!"

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Re: Jokes

Postby OlegTheBatty » Sat Feb 11, 2017 10:11 pm

Sure, I like to meet new people; make new friends . . . I just wish it didn't require so much duct tape.
. . . with the satisfied air of a man who thinks he has an idea of his own because he has commented on the idea of another . . . - Alexandre Dumas 'The Count of Monte Cristo"

There is no statement so absurd that it has not been uttered by some philosopher. - Cicero

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Nair

Postby TJrandom » Sat Feb 11, 2017 10:26 pm

My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was excessive hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the pharmacy for some Nair" hair remover. At the register the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist said, "Well if you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either. But if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The pharmacist said, "Ah, well in that case, I`d advise you to stay off your bicycle for a week."

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bottle

Postby TJrandom » Sun Feb 12, 2017 10:25 am

A baby can drink a bottle, fall asleep, and people say it`s cute.

But when I do that, they call me an alcoholic.

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Re: Jokes

Postby Poodle » Sun Feb 12, 2017 5:56 pm

Sounded more like a cute alcoholic to me.

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Re: Jokes

Postby Nobrot » Mon Feb 13, 2017 10:10 pm

Groan

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Re: Jokes

Postby Poodle » Mon Feb 13, 2017 10:47 pm

Nobrot wrote:Groan


:lol:

I thank you. Thank you, one and all.

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Re: Jokes

Postby Matthew Ellard » Thu Feb 16, 2017 11:46 pm

Lord Nelson was with his cabin boy, in his captain's cabin, charting the probable course of an enemy French sailing ship, in the middle of the Atlantic. There is a knock on the cabin door.

First Officer : "Lord Nelson, there are two large French battleships heading directly towards us. Prepare for battle"
Lord Nelson, turned to his cabin boy and said "Fetch me my best white shirt and white sash, so if I'm wounded, the crew cannot see any bandages.


There is another knock on the door

First Officer : "Lord Nelson, new information there are ten large French battleships heading directly towards us. Prepare for battle"
Lord Nelson, turned to his cabin boy and said "Fetch me my best red coat, so if I'm wounded, the crew cannot see any blood.


There is another knock on the door

First Officer : "Lord Nelson, new information the entire French and Spanish fleets are heading directly towards us. Prepare for battle"
Lord Nelson, turned to his cabin boy and said "Fetch me my best brown trousers".


:D

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Re: Jokes

Postby Poodle » Fri Feb 17, 2017 6:56 am

Matthew Ellard wrote:Lord Nelson was with his cabin boy, in his captain's cabin ...


How dare you, Sirree! How very dare you!

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groaners

Postby TJrandom » Fri Feb 17, 2017 8:17 am

63 Pakistanis died in the town of Bradford, UK, this morning. It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed. The police are blaming AL IKEA.


Jamie Oliver has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco. Oliver says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.


Police stopped a Pakistani in his transit van on the motorway. Policeman says "Do you know the limit is 70?" The driver leans into the back and says: "Hear that... 3 of you have got to get out!"


Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them. "Blow that" said Paddy "That's the last time I go lion dancing"


Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."


My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.


Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.


I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.


Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.


A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.

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Re: Jokes

Postby JO 753 » Sat Feb 18, 2017 3:49 am

:lol:
WUT 1 MaN RiTS, U TRILYN MA RED OVR U MILYN SeNCUREZ.
http://www.nooalf.com

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two lines

Postby TJrandom » Sat Feb 18, 2017 6:39 am

At the end of time when all the believers were gathered, waiting to get into heaven, God appeared and said, "I want all the men to form two lines. One line will be for the men who were the true heads of their households. The other will be for the men who were dominated by their wives."

God continued, "I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

The women left and the men formed two lines. The line of men who were dominated by their wives was seemingly unending. The line of men who were the true head of their household had one man in it.

God said to the first line, "You men ought to be ashamed or yourselves. I appointed you to be the heads of your households and you were disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose. There is only one man who obeyed me. Learn from him."

Then God turned to the lone man and asked, "How did you come to be in this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

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gynaecologist visit

Postby TJrandom » Thu Feb 23, 2017 7:51 pm

A young mother was due for an appointment with the gynaecologist later in the week. Early one morning, she received a call from the doctor’s office to tell her that she had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. She had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so she didn’t have any time to spare. As most women do, she liked to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time she wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.

So, she rushed upstairs, threw off her pyjamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave herself a quick wash in that area to make sure she was at least presentable. She threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to her appointment.

She was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when she was called in. Knowing the procedure, she hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that she was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

She was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” She didn’t respond.

After the appointment, she heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal, with some shopping, cleaning, and cooking. After school when her 6 year old daughter was playing, and called out from the bathroom, “Mummy, where’s my washcloth?” - She told her to get another one from the cupboard.

To which the little girl replied… “No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.”

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Re: Jokes

Postby scrmbldggs » Fri Feb 24, 2017 5:38 am

Borrowed from Seth Meyers, Research showed that more pregnant women carrying girls experience morning sickness, whereas those who carry boys just feel a little nuts.

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zoo

Postby TJrandom » Fri Feb 24, 2017 11:44 am

Several years ago, there used to be a zoo here that you could go to, but it shut down because it only had one animal. A small dog; it was a shih-tzu.

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Re: zoo

Postby Matthew Ellard » Sat Feb 25, 2017 2:02 am

A tourist bus of holiday-makers from Prague, went to London zoo to look at the new bear enclosure. One of the tourists leaned too far and fell in, whereas the Alpha male bear quickly gobbled him up. A local contract hunter came running over and was about to jump in when he suddenly stopped and started reading the newspaper. "Why have you stopped?" the other tourists asked. The hunter replied. "I'm not stupid. You need to pay me up front. There's no point simply telling me the Czech is in the male."


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