Jokes

[JO 753]

My mom came up with a good wun this morning.

Me: "Therez a skunk in the nayborhood."

Mom: "How do you know?"

Me: "Take a gess!"

Mom: "He'z walking around with a flashlite?"

[Aztexan]

Four midgets, their dog, and a whore
in a bed going at it hardcore
when to their surprise
in walk two rabbis
stop me if you've heard this one before...

[JO 753]

no no. keep going.

[Austin Harper]

A family walks into a talent agent's office and they say, "Boy, do we have an act for you!"
The talent agent says no thanks, they aren't really looking for family acts at the moment.
So the dad says, "Just give us 5 minutes. I'm sure we'll change your mind."
The talent agent reluctantly agrees.
...
"What do you call an act like that?!" exclaims the talent agent.
In unison, the family says "The Aristocrats!"

[JO 753]

I saw the documentary!

[Gord]

My mom came up with a good wun this morning.

Me: "Therez a skunk in the nayborhood."

Mom: "How do you know?"

Me: "Take a gess!"

Mom: "He'z walking around with a flashlite?"

I told your joke at the table tonight during Family Poker Night. After some discussion, we felt a better punchline would have been, "You saw his headlights?"

However, there was some alcohol involved.

[Gord]

How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two: One to screw it in, and one to hold the cock father ladder!

[JO 753]

Cher Noble. The concert that went very bad.

[Gord]

Jacques Chirac, the French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the United States when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Mike down at the Derby in Hamilton, Ontario. I am calling to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you, eh!"

"Well, Mike," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Mike after a moment's calculation, "there's meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Bob, and the entire Canadian Olympic curling team. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Mike, that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Take off!" said Mike. "I'll have to call you back!"

Sure enough, the next day Mike called again. "Mister Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some real infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Mike?" Chirac asked.

"Well, we got the two combines, a bulldozer, and Bob's farm tractor."

Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Mike, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one hundred fifty thousand since we last spoke."

"Jesus!" said Mike. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Mike called again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jack McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of twenty-twos in the cockpit, and the girls from the peelers have joined us too!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Mike, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!"

"Jaysus, Mary, and Joseph!" said Mike, "I'll have to call you back."

Sure enough, Mike called again the next day. "G'day, Mister Chirac! I'm sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Mike, "the boys had a long chat over a bunch of beers and decided that there's no way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners."

[Matthew Ellard]

A travelling sales lady was driving through Oklahoma, when he car broke down outside a small farm. Two farms hands looked at the engine, ordered a replacement part on the phone and offered her a bed to sleep in overnight.

Anyhow, one thing lead to another and the travelling sales lady said "Look we can have sex but see these rubber things? If you take them off I will get pregnant and sue you. The two farm hands agree. In the morning the travelling sales lady waved goodbye and drove off.

A year later the two farm hands are chatting away in the field. "Hey Randy? Do you remember that travelling sales lady?" "Yeah" Do you really care if she gets pregnant or not?" "No" "Well let's take these damn rubber things off"

[Austin Harper]

Jacques Chirac, the French Prime Minister

Oh, man! No I have to be the {!#%@} to tear this joke apart.

Chirac was PM from 1974-1976 under President Valéry Giscard d'Estaing and again from 1986-1988 under President François Mitterrand. He was then President himself from 1995-2007.

The current PM Jean-Marc Ayrault and President François Hollande have been in office since May 16, 2012.

[Gord]

Jacques Chirac, the French Prime Minister

Oh, man! No I have to be the {!#%@} to tear this joke apart.

Chirac was PM from 1974-1976 under President Valéry Giscard d'Estaing and again from 1986-1988 under President François Mitterrand. He was then President himself from 1995-2007.

The current PM Jean-Marc Ayrault and President François Hollande have been in office since May 16, 2012.

How does that tear the joke apart?

Besides, I don't think your version of history is any match against the site I copied the joke from: http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Canada/History

And in addition:

May 8 1945 - VE Day

Canadians kill Hitler, win WWII and come home since the war is absolutely, completely, and totally over. Americans, having the warped sence of reality that they do, believe that they won the war. They were dead wrong, and their beer still remains watery and piss-like.

:salute!:

[Aztexan]

A 10 year old boy walks into a bar and asks the female bartender for a beer.
She asks him, "Do you want to get me into trouble, young man?"
He says, "Maybe later, but first, I'll have that beer."

[Aztexan]

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To change that {!#%@} burnt out light bulb everyone keeps talking about.

[Matthew Ellard]

An American marine is shot and taken to an Australian hospital in WWII.

Marine : "Did I come here to die?"
Aussie doctor "No mate........... You came here yesterdie"

[JO 753]

Adolf Slapler - Adolf Hitlerz less severe 2nd couzin.

[Matthew Ellard]

Young Johnny was very upset when one of the hamsters, caged in the school classroom, died. "Not to worry", said the teacher. "Waste not, want not. Let's make the hamster into a nice jam to spread on our toast.

Two weeks later the jam was ready. Johnny was thrilled. He dipped the butter knife into the jam and spread it onto his toast. To his astonishment, tulips started to grow from the toast. The teacher shook his head and said "My fault. I forgot that you will always find tulips growing in hamster jam".

[Daedalus]

Young Johnny was very upset when one of the hamsters, caged in the school classroom, died. "Not to worry", said the teacher. "Waste not, want not. Let's make the hamster into a nice jam to spread on our toast.

Two weeks later the jam was ready. Johnny was thrilled. He dipped the butter knife into the jam and spread it onto his toast. To his astonishment, tulips started to grow from the toast. The teacher shook his head and said "My fault. I forgot that you will always find tulips growing in hamster jam".

[JO 753]

wooosh

[scrmbldggs]

shooow

[Matthew Ellard]

wooosh

Hamster jam = Amsterdam, where the tulips grow........

[JO 753]

scrmbld! that wuz so perfect that my Youtube started working agen!

Unfortunately, it didnt make the joke funny. Sorry Mat.

[Tom Palven]

Fellow in Jacksonville heard that his pet porpoises would live forever if he fed them sea gulls. He ordered a few, but as the delivery boy stepped over a sleeping lion in his driveway the FBI nabbed him for transporting gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.

[JO 753]

I woke up in the emergensy room. Pun overdose.

[Tom Palven]

I woke up in the emergensy room. Pun overdose.

Okay, you've been punished enough.

War is Peace
Freedom is Slavery
Ignorance is Strength

[Major Malfunction]

Sitting in a bar drinking with a friend, I pointed to two old drunks across the bar and said, "That's us in ten years."

He said, "That's a mirror, dipshit."

[angawawa]

String walks into a bar.
The bartender says "Hey, we don't serve strings like you. Get out!"
String goes outside, ties himself into a knot and messes his hair, then walks back in the bar.
The bartender says "Aren't you the string I kicked out earlier?"
String says "Frayed knot."

[Gord]

String walks into a bar.
The bartender says "Hey, we don't serve strings like you. Get out!"
String goes outside, ties himself into a knot and messes his hair, then walks back in the bar.
The bartender says "Aren't you the string I kicked out earlier?"
String says "Frayed knot."

Works better if the string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

[JO 753]

OOOOOOLLLLD! Heard that in 1985.

[Matthew Ellard]

String walks into a bar.
The bartender says "Hey, we don't serve strings like you. Get out!"
String goes outside, ties himself into a knot and messes his hair, then walks back in the bar.
The bartender says "Aren't you the string I kicked out earlier?"
String says "Frayed knot."

A mushroom then orders a drink at the same bar. The bartender says "Aren't you a friend of that piece of string? Are you going to cause trouble".

The mushroom looks at the barman and replies "Hell no! Everyone knows I'm just a "fun guy".

[Poodle]

Two girls walk into the same bar. One says "Two corks, please". The barman says "Two corks?" "Yes", say the girls. So the barman goes out back and fumbles around in the rubbish until he finds two corks. He goes back in and puts the corks on the bar. "What's that?" said one of the girls. "Two corks", said the barman.

"No", said the girl, "Two corks. Corca Corla".



It helps if you're used to northern English girls.

[JO 753]

I knew a former bartender. He probably told me every walked into the bar joke ever.

Plus this wun:

A baby boy wuz born with an odd deformity. Hiz nuts weighed 4 poundz. Ended up in Belview mental institution wen he wuz 17 kuz he wuz still haf nuts!

Sumthin like that. Wate, I told it rong. Gotta say 'nut house', not Belview. But I cant figure how to not giv away the punch line then. Hold on! dont laff yet!

Definitely needz an overhaul. Back to the drawing board. Completely re-engineer the joke.

[Matthew Ellard]

Sooooo.....a plane crashed in the desert and the only survivor struggled for days and days until he came across a very strange man. The man was in the middle of the desert and was leaning on a brand new Cadillac next to a luxurious banquet table. He had a head the size of a walnut.

"What happened to you?"

"Well much like yourself, my plane crashed, however I tripped over a small bottle. When I picked up the bottle, the most beautiful girl genie appeared. She said I had three wishes. I said I was really really hungry and "whoosh" a huge banquet table appeared. I then said that I always wanted a Cadillac and so "whoosh" a brand new Cadillac appeared. It was amazing!"

"I was then feeling a "bit horny" and the genie was absolutely gorgeous, so I asked if we could have sex. The genie said "Alas I am only mist from below my waste so we can't have sex".

So I said "How about a little head"

[Tom Palven]

A Priest, a Rabbi, and a duck walked into a bar, and the bartender said "What is this, some kind of a joke?"

[Daedalus]

This isn't a joke, but a call for someone to make one. I feel like the term, "prompt neutron" is ripe for joking, but I can't think of anything that flows naturally.

Have it at.

[Gord]

"What subatomic hadron particle is never late for dinner?"

[Austin Harper]

"What subatomic hadron particle is never late for dinner?"

The J/ψ meson.

[Gord]

"What subatomic hadron particle is never late for dinner?"

The J/ψ meson.

No it's supposed to be "the prompt neutron".

[OlegTheBatty]

"What subatomic hadron particle is never late for dinner?"

The J/ψ meson.

No it's supposed to be "the prompt neutron".

He missed his cue.

[Daedalus]

Yes... good... this will do.