Jokes

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TJrandom
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pure ecstasy

Postby TJrandom » Sat Dec 30, 2017 7:41 pm

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forwards then backwards, forward then backward, again and again.

Back and forth, back and forth, in and out, a little to the right, a little to the left, she could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her
breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end of her self control and mental endurance.

Her heart was pounding, her face was flushed, her muscles tightened... She moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out a piercing scream and shouted;

"OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park, you do it."

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Fish `n Chips

Postby TJrandom » Tue Jan 02, 2018 3:17 am

I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up Fish and Chips on my way home?"

It was met with a stony silence.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

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Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Tue Jan 02, 2018 6:10 am

A woman and her young son, who is dressed up as a cowboy board a plane. As the plane takes off, a flight attend comes by offering drinks and snacks. The little boy doesn't want anything.

The flight attendant asks, "Would you like an ice cream sundae?"
The boy reluctantly says, "Yes ma'am."

She asks, "Would you like chocolate syrup?"
"Uh huh."

"How about some whipped cream?"
"Sure."

She asks, "How about a cherry on top?"
He says, "Ok."

Finally she asks him, "Do you want your nuts crushed?"
He pulls both his toy six shooters from his holster and says, "You want your tits shot off?"
trump is Putin's bitch

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Re: Jokes

Postby Nikki Nyx » Tue Jan 02, 2018 3:18 pm

Just got back from yet another visit to the doctor.
He told me I needed to stop masturbating.
I asked, "Why?"
He replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
"An extraordinary claim requires extraordinary proof."—Marcello Truzzi

"What can be asserted without evidence can also be dismissed without evidence."—Christopher Hitchens

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Holiday cheer

Postby TJrandom » Fri Jan 05, 2018 11:21 pm

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle to purchase some holiday cheer - a large bottle of sake, and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the sake before I cycled home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

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Metric

Postby TJrandom » Sat Jan 06, 2018 8:32 pm

If Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight. There would be mass confusion.

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Re: Metric

Postby Nikki Nyx » Sun Jan 07, 2018 6:45 pm

TJrandom wrote:If Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight. There would be mass confusion.
Weight...what?!
"An extraordinary claim requires extraordinary proof."—Marcello Truzzi

"What can be asserted without evidence can also be dismissed without evidence."—Christopher Hitchens

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School days

Postby TJrandom » Thu Jan 11, 2018 10:49 pm

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!

Jerry said, We've got to give it back. Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?

Sally said, No.

Jerry said, She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.

Sally said, Don't believe him, he’s getting senile.

The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him. One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.

Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday...

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "We're outta here"!

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Vincent

Postby TJrandom » Sat Jan 13, 2018 12:41 am

Vincent Van Gough walked into a bar.

The barman asked, "Would you like a beer?"

Vincent said, "No thanks, I've already got an ear."

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Intuition

Postby TJrandom » Mon Jan 15, 2018 10:09 am

My wife`s female intuition is so highly developed she sometimes knows I am wrong before I`ve even opened my mouth.

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Re: Intuition

Postby Nikki Nyx » Wed Jan 17, 2018 5:16 pm

TJrandom wrote:My wife`s female intuition is so highly developed she sometimes knows I am wrong before I`ve even opened my mouth.
:rotfl:
"An extraordinary claim requires extraordinary proof."—Marcello Truzzi

"What can be asserted without evidence can also be dismissed without evidence."—Christopher Hitchens

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Hospital regulations

Postby TJrandom » Sat Jan 20, 2018 6:39 am

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

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Re: Jokes

Postby Gord » Sat Jan 20, 2018 7:26 am

I'm always disappointed when I get discharged from a hospital, because there is no regulation here that requires a wheel chair. I want a paid intern to push me in a wheelchair, dammit!
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Old mule

Postby TJrandom » Mon Jan 22, 2018 8:25 am

Not so long ago an old farmer and his nephew were plowing the "back forty” using the highest technology available to them at the time - a hand-guided plow and an old mule, both somewhat the worse for wear.

The mule had seen better days. On one hot day, after several hours of hard work, the old mule's eyes crossed – and as you might guess, it is very difficult to plow a straight furrow with a cross-eyed mule.

The old farmer, with inspiration and the inventiveness of desperation, had long ago come up with a "country work-around." He carried with him a piece of small pipe, several feet long, and when the mule's eyes crossed, he would hoist the mule's tail, insert the pipe up its rear-end, and blow real hard. This would result in the mule`s eyes uncrossing and giving him a new wind, so to speak.

And on this day they had resorted to this remedy several times. But the last time, success was not coming. Blowing as hard as the farmer could, the mule`s eyes stayed crossed. The best he could do was get them to jiggle a little.

When he stopped to rest and get his breath, his nephew offered, "Here Uncle, let me give it a try." The nephew reached over, removed the pipe, turned it around, inserted the other end in the mule`s backside, and leaned down to blow.

The farmer stopped him with a shout, "WHOA! Hold it there, Nephew! What do you think you're doing??!!"

The nephew straightened up with affronted dignity, and said, "Why Uncle, you KNOW it wouldn't be sanitary for me to put my mouth where you just had yours!"

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Marriage

Postby TJrandom » Mon Jan 22, 2018 9:01 am

"Dad, did you know that in some countries you don`t know who your wife is until you get married?"

"It`s like that everywhere, son."

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New Year's Resolution

Postby ElectricMonk » Fri Jan 26, 2018 7:53 am

I decided to lose ten pounds this year.
Only 16 pounds to go.

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Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Fri Jan 26, 2018 3:08 pm

I tried a one month diet and lost 30 days.
trump is Putin's bitch

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Re: Jokes

Postby TJrandom » Fri Jan 26, 2018 8:23 pm

I`m going on the eternity diet... once I die.

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Surgeons

Postby TJrandom » Thu Feb 01, 2018 10:15 pm

The first surgeon, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."

The third surgeon, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, shut them all up when he said: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.

Consider Trump - no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine... Plus, his head and arse are interchangeable!

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Re: Jokes

Postby Nikki Nyx » Sun Feb 04, 2018 9:14 pm

A pirate walks into his usual bar. The bartender says, "Hey, haven't seen you in awhile. What happened? You look awful."

"What do you mean?" says the pirate, "I feel fine."

The bartender replies, "Well, what about the wooden leg? You didn't have that last time you were here."

"Well," says the pirate, "I got hit with a cannonball during a battle."

"Ok," the bartender says, "but what about the hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate says, "Another battle. We boarded a ship and I got into a sword fight. My hand was chopped off, so I got fitted with the hook."

"Ok, so what's the story behind the eye patch?" asks the bartender.

The pirate looks uncomfortable and replies, "One day, we were at sea and a flock of seagulls flew over the ship. I looked up, and one of them {!#%@} in my eye."

The bartender is astonished. "You mean you lost an eye just from bird {!#%@}?"

"Not exactly," says the pirate. "It was my first day with the hook."
"An extraordinary claim requires extraordinary proof."—Marcello Truzzi

"What can be asserted without evidence can also be dismissed without evidence."—Christopher Hitchens

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Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Mon Feb 05, 2018 1:14 am

An old man is on his death bed, his wife of 70 years at his side, holding his hand. The man opens his eyes and sees her right there, as always.

"Ethel, when I was a young boy and my house burned down and my dog was killed, you were right there for me."
"Ten years later, when my parents were killed in that wreck, you were by my side. When I got the letter to serve Uncle Sam and fight for my country, you were there with me."
A tear rolls down his cheek. "Ethel, when our only child got drowned, you were by my side."

He sits up and grips her tighter.
"Now, cancer has got its hands on me and you are right here.
Ethel, I think you're a {!#%@} jinx"
trump is Putin's bitch

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Disneyworld

Postby TJrandom » Wed Feb 07, 2018 11:44 pm

Grandpa?

What dear?

Can you make a noise like a frog?

I don’t know. Why dear?

Because Mommy says that after you croak, we’re going to Disneyworld!

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Parrot

Postby TJrandom » Thu Feb 08, 2018 10:50 pm

During a dull White House staff dinner, John Kelly leaned over to chat with Rex Tillerson.

"I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say over two hundred words!"
“Very impressive," said Rex, "but, you do realise he just speaks the words. He doesn't really understand what they all mean.”

"Oh, I know", replied Kelly, “but neither does the parrot!"

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Weight Loss Program

Postby TJrandom » Fri Feb 09, 2018 9:49 am

A guy called a company and ordered their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stood a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduced herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign read, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he took off after her. But a few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally gave up. The same girl showed up for the next four days and the same thing happened. On the fifth day, he weighed himself and was delighted to find he had lost 5lbs as promised.

He called the company again and ordered their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stood the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he had ever seen in his life. She was wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that read, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This woman was in excellent shape and while he did his best, he had no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happened with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighed himself and discovered that he had lost another 10lbs as promised.

With great expectations over the beauty he dreamed he would meet, he decided to go for broke and called the company to order their 7-day/25 lbs program. "Are you sure?" asked the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replied, "I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opened it he found a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that read, "If I catch you, you are mine."

He lost 33 lbs that week…

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Guinness

Postby TJrandom » Thu Feb 15, 2018 11:12 pm

Q. What do a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness have in common?

A. A black coat, a white collar, and ...

... you need to watch your arse if you got a dodgy one.

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Re: Jokes

Postby Gawdzilla Sama » Thu Feb 15, 2018 11:42 pm

Some gal was railing at T.rump on another forum, so I reminded her: "Hey, nearly some of the people voted for him!"
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Tranny

Postby TJrandom » Fri Feb 16, 2018 5:09 am

I was once a male trapped in a female body.

… And then I was born.

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Re: Jokes

Postby JO 753 » Fri Feb 16, 2018 3:54 pm

:lol:
Gubmint for us
http://www.7532020.com
not the rich.

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Prostate exam

Postby TJrandom » Sun Feb 18, 2018 11:11 pm

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted. The waiting room was filled with patients.

As I approached the receptionist’s desk, I noticed that she was a large unfriendly woman who looked more like a Sumo wrestler than a woman. I gave her my name, and in a very loud voice, she said:

“YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?”

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied:

“NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”

The room erupted in applause! Don’t mess with us old retired guys.

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Re: Jokes

Postby Nikki Nyx » Mon Feb 19, 2018 11:49 pm

I was going to post a joke, but there's no point...TJ already won the Internet for today.
"An extraordinary claim requires extraordinary proof."—Marcello Truzzi

"What can be asserted without evidence can also be dismissed without evidence."—Christopher Hitchens

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Re: Jokes

Postby Nikki Nyx » Tue Feb 20, 2018 5:37 pm

It's a brand new day, and the Internet is up for grabs again. In keeping with TJ's post, I'll offer this:

Drunken Bar Patron: "Did you come here with anyone?"
My daughter: "Yes...my dignity."

I don't think there are words to convey how much IFL my daughter. :mrgreen:
"An extraordinary claim requires extraordinary proof."—Marcello Truzzi

"What can be asserted without evidence can also be dismissed without evidence."—Christopher Hitchens

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Surgery

Postby TJrandom » Sun Feb 25, 2018 9:53 am

"You'll be fine," the Doctor said after finishing the young blonde woman's surgery.

"But," she asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again, Doctor?"

The Surgeon seemed to pause and his face reddened as a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye. The girl was alarmed.

"What's the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out ! “

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Re: Jokes

Postby ElectricMonk » Sun Feb 25, 2018 10:32 am

The patient who jumped off the operation table and ran out of the OP is being questioned by the Head of Surgery:
"What was the matter?"
"Well, the nurse said: 'Don't worry. It's not a complicated procedure. I know you will get through this. Just calm down and be brave.' "
"So?" asks the Head of Surgery, "why wasn't that reassuring?"
"Because she said it to the surgeon and not to me."

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Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Sun Feb 25, 2018 4:05 pm

A doctor is walking down the hallway of a hospital when he hears a blood-curdling scream, then he sees a patient run out of a room, being chased by a blonde nurse shouting after him, "Come back! I'm not finished!"
The doctor stops the nurse and asks, "What's going on!?! Nurse let me see your clipboard."
She hands it to him and he scans it.
He shakes his head and finally says, "I told you to prick his boil."
trump is Putin's bitch

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Princess

Postby TJrandom » Tue Feb 27, 2018 4:00 am

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter - the princess. But there was a problem. Everything solid thing the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, stone,...Anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, She will be cured."

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red when she felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom rejoiced. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Why, M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What were you thinking, you pervert??

Edited - to address the Popular Mechanics subscribers who commented below...
Last edited by TJrandom on Wed Feb 28, 2018 1:26 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Princess

Postby OlegTheBatty » Tue Feb 27, 2018 11:20 pm

TJrandom wrote:Why, M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What were you thinking, you pervert??


I was thinking he had some mercury in his pocket, since it already melted . . . :oops:
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Re: Princess

Postby Gord » Wed Feb 28, 2018 12:53 am

OlegTheBatty wrote:
TJrandom wrote:Why, M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What were you thinking, you pervert??

I was thinking he had some mercury in his pocket, since it already melted . . . :oops:

I thought it was water.

What? I had a pocket full of water once. It was very moist.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
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#ANDAMOVIE
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Re: Jokes

Postby Gord » Wed Feb 28, 2018 12:16 pm

"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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The Last Nine Minutes

Postby TJrandom » Wed Feb 28, 2018 12:24 pm

A policeman was patrolling late at night in a well-known lover`s spot, famous for all sorts of obscene activities. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The police carefully approached the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, watching an entertaining video on a computer. He immediately notices a young girl in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.

The young guy lowers his window. “Oh, yes, officer?” The police asks: “What are you doing?”

The young guy says: “Well Officer, I’m watching something on my computer.”

Pointing towards the young girl in the back seat the cop asks: “And her, what is she doing?”

The young guy shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s knitting a pullover sweater.”

Now, the police officer is totally surprised. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover’s lane, and nothing obscene is happening!

The officer asks: “What`s your age, young man?”

The young guy says “I’m twenty three, sir.”

The police asks: “And her” – what`s her age?”

The young man looks at his watch and replies: “She will be eighteen in nine minutes.”

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Re: Jokes

Postby OlegTheBatty » Wed Feb 28, 2018 4:52 pm

A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”

A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

A question mark walks into a bar?

A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."

A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

A synonym strolls into a tavern.

At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.

A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.

The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.
. . . with the satisfied air of a man who thinks he has an idea of his own because he has commented on the idea of another . . . - Alexandre Dumas 'The Count of Monte Cristo"

There is no statement so absurd that it has not been uttered by some philosopher. - Cicero


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