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Re: Jokes

Posted: Mon Jun 11, 2018 7:10 pm
by scrmbldggs
Aw, JO... "day byoo" is oneword. :-P

Re: Jokes

Posted: Mon Jun 11, 2018 8:18 pm
by Monster

Re: Jokes

Posted: Mon Jun 11, 2018 8:41 pm
by JO 753
I shoud be more careful. I hear you can be debutted for such egrejious mistakes.

Re: Jokes

Posted: Mon Jun 11, 2018 8:42 pm
by scrmbldggs

Old mule

Posted: Tue Jun 12, 2018 5:20 am
by TJrandom
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. But to no avail - she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head, no and mumble a reply. Very curious about this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'

Re: Jokes

Posted: Tue Jun 12, 2018 9:58 am
by JO 753

Lone Ranger

Posted: Fri Jun 15, 2018 8:44 pm
by TJrandom
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's Tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds," I'd like to speak to my horse....ALONE."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says:

"Listen very carefully, you dickhead, for the last time.......... . BRING POSSE!!!!"

Re: Jokes

Posted: Fri Jun 15, 2018 9:01 pm
by Aztexan
Ooh ooh I got one!
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding their horses when Tonto jumps off and puts his head to the ground, quietly listening.
After a few seconds he says, "Buffalo come."
The Lone Ranger is impressed and asks, "How can you tell?"
Tonto answers, "Ear stuck to ground."

Last request

Posted: Sat Jun 16, 2018 9:53 pm
by TJrandom
A sobbing Mrs. Murphy approached Fr O’Grady after mass.

He asked: “What’s bothering you, Mary?”

She replied: “Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”

The priest said: “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Did he have any last requests?”

“Certainly father,” she replied. “He said: “Please Mary, put down that damn gun.”

Re: Jokes

Posted: Fri Jun 29, 2018 11:01 pm
by KevinLevites
Do you know what the difference is between Donald Trump and a catfish?

One's covered in slime, has poisonous spines, slithers around in the mud, and is a bottom feeder...while the other, of course, is a fish.


Posted: Sat Jun 30, 2018 8:14 am
by TJrandom
A woman in a supermarket was following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson. He had his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things. The grandfather said in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long".

Another outburst and she heard the grandfather calmly say, "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there”.

At the checkout the little horror was throwing items out of the trolley. The grandfather said again in a controlled voice, "William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."

Very impressed, the woman went outside to where the grandfather was loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather."

"Thanks", said the grandfather, "but I am William, and this little bastard's name is Kevin".

World Cup

Posted: Sun Jul 01, 2018 3:15 am
by TJrandom
If Italy wins - Free pizza...
If Mexico wins - Free tacos!
If Germany wins - Free beer!!!

I`m rooting for Columbia!!!!!

Re: Jokes

Posted: Sun Jul 01, 2018 4:05 am
by Gord
Free coffee?

Re: Jokes

Posted: Sun Jul 01, 2018 7:45 am
by TJrandom
Is that what they call it these days?

Grandfather died

Posted: Sun Jul 01, 2018 7:56 am
by TJrandom
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to comfort her 95 year-old grandmother. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Some years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued…

"He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

A snow... what?

Posted: Mon Jul 02, 2018 6:20 am
by TJrandom
It had been snowing all night - So:

8:00 am I made a snowman.

8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

8:22 The transgender ma..wom..person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts

8:25 The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 The Muslim gent across the road demands the snow woman wear a burqa.

8:40 The Police arrive saying someone has been offended

8:42 The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 TV news crew from the ABC shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.

9:00 I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices. My children are taken by social services.

9:29 Far left protesters offended by everything are marching down the street demanding for me to be beheaded.

This is the wonderful world in which we live today.

Three wishes

Posted: Mon Jul 02, 2018 9:58 am
by TJrandom
Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'?

The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns? I will grant you three wishes.'

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: 'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, 'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'

The fairy godmother replied, 'It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?'

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, 'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.' At once, her wish became reality, and as her beautiful young visage returned, Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: 'You have one more wish; What shall it be?'

Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.' Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, 'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.' With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she had appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered... 'Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off.'

Re: Three wishes

Posted: Mon Jul 02, 2018 8:00 pm
by Gord
TJrandom wrote:After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince
Yeah, baby.



Posted: Sat Jul 21, 2018 5:30 am
by TJrandom
It was opening night at the Orpheum and The Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of this audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the Watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"{!#%@}!" cried the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.

Re: Jokes

Posted: Sat Jul 21, 2018 10:20 am
by Gord
A man ran frantically through the airport to reach his flight's gate and arrived, out of breath, a full two hours before the flight's departure time!

What was the hurry?

He was heading to Russia.

I have no idea what this joke is about. It was on my joke-a-day calendar for July 6th and it's been eating away at me for 15 days so I was hoping someone could explain it to me.

Re: Jokes

Posted: Sat Jul 21, 2018 3:01 pm
by Aztexan
He's rushin'

Re: Jokes

Posted: Sat Jul 21, 2018 4:32 pm
by landrew
Gord wrote:A man ran frantically through the airport to reach his flight's gate and arrived, out of breath, a full two hours before the flight's departure time!

What was the hurry?

He was heading to Russia.

I have no idea what this joke is about. It was on my joke-a-day calendar for July 6th and it's been eating away at me for 15 days so I was hoping someone could explain it to me.
One of Trump's former aides.

Re: Jokes

Posted: Mon Jul 23, 2018 2:18 am
by Gord
I still don't get it. Also, is he Russian? 'Cause I didn't get that from the narrative. It just says he's going to Russia. Maybe he's American. He could be Edward Snowden, for all we know.

Re: Jokes

Posted: Mon Jul 23, 2018 3:27 am
by Matthew Ellard
Gord wrote: I have no idea what this joke is about. It was on my joke-a-day calendar for July 6th and it's been eating away at me for 15 days so I was hoping someone could explain it to me.
I don't get it either. The original joke, as I remember it, was

Q: Why did the astronaut, on the way to the moon, have to get out of the way of the cosmonaut?
A: ....became the cosmonaut was really Russian ("rushing")

Re: Jokes

Posted: Mon Jul 23, 2018 6:19 am
by Gord
Hmm, while researching the previous joke, I discovered Russian political jokes on wikipedia:

I like this one:

Three men are sitting in a cell in the (KGB headquarters) Dzerzhinsky Square. The first asks the second why he has been imprisoned, who replies, "Because I criticized Karl Radek." The first man responds, "But I am here because I spoke out in favor of Radek!" They turn to the third man who has been sitting quietly in the back, and ask him why he is in jail. He answers, "I'm Karl Radek."

Re: Jokes

Posted: Mon Jul 23, 2018 8:00 am
by Matthew Ellard
I know lots of Russian political jokes.

The phone rings at KGB headquarters.

"Hello. Is this the KGB?"
"Yes it is comrade"
"My famous talking parrot has gone missing and as you are aware it can imitate any person it hears."
"Thank you comrade but the KGB doesn't hunt down parrots. Why did you ring us?"
"I just telephoned you to say that the parrot and I have totally different political views and the parrot is a liar"


Bill Clinton and Vladimir Putin are viewing the Grand Canyon and have a bet as to whom has the most loyal bodyguard.

Bill Clinton : "So John. You are my bodyguard. I want to you to jump off the cliff now"
John the bodyguard : "Mr President. I will not do that as I have a wife and family. You even know their names "
Vladimir Putin : "OK Ivan. You are my bodyguard. Jump off the cliff now"
Ivan immediately jumps off the cliff
Bill Clinton : "Wow! that was impressive. Why did he do that?"
Vladimir Putin : "...because he has a wife, family, parents and a dog back in Russia and I know all their names.

Re: Jokes

Posted: Mon Jul 23, 2018 8:10 am
by Poodle
Two cyclists trundling along a country lane. Suddenly, one stops, gets of his bike and lets his tyres down.
"What are you doing?" says his mate.
"My seat's too high" comes the reply.
So his mate gets off his bike, takes a spanner from his toolkit, removes his seat and his handlebars, puts the handlebars where the seat was and puts his seat where the handlebars were.
"And what are you doing?" says the tyre-deflator.
"If you're going to be stupid, I'm going home" came the reply.

Nun vodka

Posted: Tue Jul 24, 2018 8:45 pm
by TJrandom
John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appeared at his table and started to decry the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now John was pretty annoyed about this, and went on the offensive. "How do you know this, Sister?"

"My Mother Superior told me so."

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

"Don't be ridiculous — but of course it is true that I have never taken alcohol myself"

"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."

The Nun reluctantly agreed, so John went inside the bar. "Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowered his voice and said to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"

Re: Jokes

Posted: Tue Jul 24, 2018 8:50 pm
by landrew
After visiting Canada for a meeting of the G7, Donald Trump remarked that it was ‘a really great overseas trip’.

Re: Jokes

Posted: Tue Jul 24, 2018 8:53 pm
by TJrandom
landrew wrote:After visiting Canada for a meeting of the G7, Donald Trump remarked that it was ‘a really great overseas trip’.
Of course, since his frame of reference is Russia...

Re: Jokes

Posted: Wed Jul 25, 2018 1:19 pm
by Gord
landrew wrote:After visiting Canada for a meeting of the G7, Donald Trump remarked that it was ‘a really great overseas trip’.
Wasn't that an actual quote from Dubya?

Re: Jokes

Posted: Sat Jul 28, 2018 9:22 am
by Aztexan
A baker hires a sexy woman who loves wearing miniskirts to work in the bakery. A customer notices that they have raisin bread on the top shelf which would require her to climb the ladder to get it, giving him a great view up her dress so he asks for raisin bread. Soon, another customer notices what the first customer is doing and now all of a sudden, he has a strong urge for raisin bread, making her climb up and giving him a peek.
After a while, there is a line of men all wanting raisin bread. While she is on the ladder for the hundredth time getting raisin bread she sees an old man walk in so she asks him, "Well? Is it raisin for you, too, sir?"
The old man smiles and answers, "No, ma'am but it's starting to quiver a little."

Re: Jokes

Posted: Sun Jul 29, 2018 5:05 pm
by Aztexan
Donald trump storms into the bedroom, angry, stomping his feet, prompting Melania to ask him what was wrong.
He says, "I just walked in on Ivanka masturbating with a carrot!"

Melania is stunned silent.

trump continues, shouting, "I was gonna eat that later and now it's gonna taste like carrot!"

Re: Jokes

Posted: Sun Jul 29, 2018 6:14 pm
by scrmbldggs
Offtopic: Not a joke (well, actually a sad one) but might explain that last one^...

Re: Jokes

Posted: Sun Jul 29, 2018 7:12 pm
by Gord
Henning Wehn is a German comedian who lives in the UK who makes a living telling jokes with innuendo about The War and Nazis. When asked about Brexit, he said: "Hm. Well, you have to take the rough with the smooth and there is upsides to living in an attic. It's all very peaceful. I might even get a book out of it. No, it's a right old shambles and everyone who voted for Leave should be shot..."

Re: Jokes

Posted: Sun Jul 29, 2018 7:24 pm
by landrew
Just like my dad. Couldn't tell a joke to save his life.

Re: Jokes

Posted: Sun Jul 29, 2018 7:30 pm
by Gord
The audience thought it was extremely funny.

Falling behind

Posted: Sun Aug 05, 2018 1:14 am
by TJrandom
A tomato family was walking down a path and baby tomato was falling behind. Father tomato went back and smacked him on the head, saying…


Trump Washington Parade

Posted: Sun Aug 05, 2018 1:17 am
by TJrandom
A friend of Donald -- maybe a golfing buddy -- told him that he had a fantastic dream the other night: There was a really, really big, a huge parade in Washington celebrating Trump. Hundred of thousands, perhaps millions, lined the parade route, and cheered and cheered when Donald went past. It was the biggest celebration Washington had ever seen. Really Huge!

Donald was very impressed and said, "That's really great! The best! By the way, how did I look? Was my hair OK?"

His friend said that he couldn't tell. The casket was closed.

Social clubs...

Posted: Sun Aug 05, 2018 1:20 am
by TJrandom
Lions have sex 365 days of the year!

I wish someone told me that before I joined Rotary.