Jokes

Laugh it up...
User avatar
TJrandom
Has More Than 7K Posts
Posts: 7892
Joined: Sat Aug 23, 2014 10:55 am
Location: Pacific coast outside of Tokyo bay.
Contact:

pure ecstasy

Postby TJrandom » Sat Dec 30, 2017 7:41 pm

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forwards then backwards, forward then backward, again and again.

Back and forth, back and forth, in and out, a little to the right, a little to the left, she could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her
breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end of her self control and mental endurance.

Her heart was pounding, her face was flushed, her muscles tightened... She moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out a piercing scream and shouted;

"OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park, you do it."

User avatar
TJrandom
Has More Than 7K Posts
Posts: 7892
Joined: Sat Aug 23, 2014 10:55 am
Location: Pacific coast outside of Tokyo bay.
Contact:

Fish `n Chips

Postby TJrandom » Tue Jan 02, 2018 3:17 am

I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up Fish and Chips on my way home?"

It was met with a stony silence.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

Aztexan
King of the Limericks
King of the Limericks
Posts: 8112
Joined: Sun Apr 01, 2007 10:39 pm

Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Tue Jan 02, 2018 6:10 am

A woman and her young son, who is dressed up as a cowboy board a plane. As the plane takes off, a flight attend comes by offering drinks and snacks. The little boy doesn't want anything.

The flight attendant asks, "Would you like an ice cream sundae?"
The boy reluctantly says, "Yes ma'am."

She asks, "Would you like chocolate syrup?"
"Uh huh."

"How about some whipped cream?"
"Sure."

She asks, "How about a cherry on top?"
He says, "Ok."

Finally she asks him, "Do you want your nuts crushed?"
He pulls both his toy six shooters from his holster and says, "You want your tits shot off?"
trump is literally a piece of {!#%@}.

User avatar
Nikki Nyx
Veteran Poster
Posts: 2365
Joined: Wed Jun 07, 2017 12:40 am
Custom Title: cognitively consonant
Location: playing croquet in Wonderland

Re: Jokes

Postby Nikki Nyx » Tue Jan 02, 2018 3:18 pm

Just got back from yet another visit to the doctor.
He told me I needed to stop masturbating.
I asked, "Why?"
He replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
What are the facts? Again and again and again-what are the facts? Shun wishful thinking, ignore divine revelation, forget what “the stars foretell,” avoid opinion, care not what the neighbors think, never mind the unguessable “verdict of history”--what are the facts, and to how many decimal places? You pilot always into an unknown future; facts are your single clue. Get the facts!
—Lazarus Long, from Time Enough for Love, by Robert A. Heinlein

User avatar
TJrandom
Has More Than 7K Posts
Posts: 7892
Joined: Sat Aug 23, 2014 10:55 am
Location: Pacific coast outside of Tokyo bay.
Contact:

Holiday cheer

Postby TJrandom » Fri Jan 05, 2018 11:21 pm

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle to purchase some holiday cheer - a large bottle of sake, and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the sake before I cycled home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

User avatar
TJrandom
Has More Than 7K Posts
Posts: 7892
Joined: Sat Aug 23, 2014 10:55 am
Location: Pacific coast outside of Tokyo bay.
Contact:

Metric

Postby TJrandom » Sat Jan 06, 2018 8:32 pm

If Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight. There would be mass confusion.

User avatar
Nikki Nyx
Veteran Poster
Posts: 2365
Joined: Wed Jun 07, 2017 12:40 am
Custom Title: cognitively consonant
Location: playing croquet in Wonderland

Re: Metric

Postby Nikki Nyx » Sun Jan 07, 2018 6:45 pm

TJrandom wrote:If Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight. There would be mass confusion.
Weight...what?!
What are the facts? Again and again and again-what are the facts? Shun wishful thinking, ignore divine revelation, forget what “the stars foretell,” avoid opinion, care not what the neighbors think, never mind the unguessable “verdict of history”--what are the facts, and to how many decimal places? You pilot always into an unknown future; facts are your single clue. Get the facts!
—Lazarus Long, from Time Enough for Love, by Robert A. Heinlein

User avatar
TJrandom
Has More Than 7K Posts
Posts: 7892
Joined: Sat Aug 23, 2014 10:55 am
Location: Pacific coast outside of Tokyo bay.
Contact:

School days

Postby TJrandom » Thu Jan 11, 2018 10:49 pm

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!

Jerry said, We've got to give it back. Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?

Sally said, No.

Jerry said, She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.

Sally said, Don't believe him, he’s getting senile.

The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him. One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.

Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday...

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "We're outta here"!

User avatar
TJrandom
Has More Than 7K Posts
Posts: 7892
Joined: Sat Aug 23, 2014 10:55 am
Location: Pacific coast outside of Tokyo bay.
Contact:

Vincent

Postby TJrandom » Sat Jan 13, 2018 12:41 am

Vincent Van Gough walked into a bar.

The barman asked, "Would you like a beer?"

Vincent said, "No thanks, I've already got an ear."

User avatar
TJrandom
Has More Than 7K Posts
Posts: 7892
Joined: Sat Aug 23, 2014 10:55 am
Location: Pacific coast outside of Tokyo bay.
Contact:

Intuition

Postby TJrandom » Mon Jan 15, 2018 10:09 am

My wife`s female intuition is so highly developed she sometimes knows I am wrong before I`ve even opened my mouth.


Return to “The Funny Pages”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests