Jokes

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scrmbldggs
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Re: Jokes

Postby scrmbldggs » Fri Oct 20, 2017 6:26 pm

:lol:
Hi, Io the lurker.

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Re: Jokes

Postby JO 753 » Fri Oct 20, 2017 6:59 pm

Iz that a true story?
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Fascinating

Postby TJrandom » Sun Oct 22, 2017 1:52 am

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.

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Re: Jokes

Postby TJrandom » Sun Nov 12, 2017 10:00 am

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?'

I said, 'Thank you my love, I'll have chicken'.

She replied, 'You're having cabbage soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'

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Re: Jokes

Postby JO 753 » Sun Nov 12, 2017 2:52 pm

My dad woud occasionally complain that the cats ate better than he did.
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Re: Jokes

Postby TJrandom » Mon Nov 13, 2017 9:10 pm

At the gym I asked the trainer which machine I should use to make myself more attractive to women. He suggested that I use the cash machine in the lobby.

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Re: Jokes

Postby Nikki Nyx » Sat Nov 18, 2017 6:11 pm

Personally, I think this qualifies as a joke...

My Pharmacy EOB
Provigil - 3 month supply (2 tablets/day)
Provider Cost: $3,980
Insurance Payment: $215
My Co-Pay: $10

Humira - 1 month supply (two injector pens)
Provider Cost: $9,332
Insurance Payment: $4,303
My Co-Pay: $35
My insurance company must HATE me.
What are the facts? Again and again and again-what are the facts? Shun wishful thinking, ignore divine revelation, forget what “the stars foretell,” avoid opinion, care not what the neighbors think, never mind the unguessable “verdict of history”--what are the facts, and to how many decimal places? You pilot always into an unknown future; facts are your single clue. Get the facts!
—Lazarus Long, from Time Enough for Love, by Robert A. Heinlein

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Re: Jokes

Postby ElectricMonk » Sun Nov 19, 2017 8:55 am

Nikki Nyx wrote:Personally, I think this qualifies as a joke...

My Pharmacy EOB
Provigil - 3 month supply (2 tablets/day)
Provider Cost: $3,980
Insurance Payment: $215
My Co-Pay: $10

Humira - 1 month supply (two injector pens)
Provider Cost: $9,332
Insurance Payment: $4,303
My Co-Pay: $35
My insurance company must HATE me.


Insurance companies could save so much money if they could just have their most expensive customers whacked.
;)
I've come up with a set of rules that describe our reactions to technologies:
Spoiler:
1. Anything that is in the world when you’re born is normal and ordinary and is just a natural part of the way the world works.
2. Anything that's invented between when you’re fifteen and thirty-five is new and exciting and revolutionary and you can probably get a career in it.
3. Anything invented after you're thirty-five is against the natural order of things.
- Douglas Adams

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Dirty dishes

Postby TJrandom » Tue Nov 21, 2017 5:26 am

Larry went to visit his 86 year old grandfather on his farm. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, Larry’s grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon and eggs. Larry noticed a film like substance on his place, and questioned his grandfather asking, “Are these plates clean?”
His grandfather replied, “Well, ya know I don`t got no hot water. They’re just as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal”.

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, Larry was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked a lot like dried egg and he asked, “Grandfather, are you sure these plates are clean?”

Without looking up the old man said, “I told you before, I don`t have no hot running water, so they are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t you worry, I don’t want to hear another word about it”.

Later that afternoon, as he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog started to growl, and wouldn’t let him pass. Larry yelled and said, “Grandfather, your dog won’t let me get to my car”.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, ‘COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN NOW, YA HERE ME!!!”

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Re: Dirty dishes

Postby Gord » Wed Nov 22, 2017 3:41 am

TJrandom wrote:Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, ‘COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN NOW, YA HERE ME!!!”

Wow, not only was his grammar poor, but he even managed to misspell his spoken words!

Now that is a hard-working man.
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