Jokes

Laugh it up...
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TJrandom
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Dog house

Postby TJrandom » Tue Feb 28, 2017 2:54 am

My wife asked me what the female equivalent of a `man cave` would be, and without serious consideration I said – the kitchen. Ooops.

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Gord
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Re: Jokes

Postby Gord » Tue Feb 28, 2017 12:06 pm

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where is my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery.…"

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looks up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda.... No. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE

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Cadmusteeth
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Re: Jokes

Postby Cadmusteeth » Wed Mar 01, 2017 9:26 pm

If a pothead is also an {!#%@},
does that make them a pothole?

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Nobrot
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Re: Jokes

Postby Nobrot » Wed Mar 01, 2017 11:37 pm

Quasimodo gets in from work one night and spots Esmeralda in the kitchen messing around with a wok.
'Esmeralda my love are you preparing some delicious Chinese food?'.
'No. I'm ironing your {!#%@} shirts!'

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Nobrot
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Re: Jokes

Postby Nobrot » Thu Mar 02, 2017 11:52 pm

Quasi and Esmeralda were out on their first date in some dead posh expensive restaurant when at the end of the evening Quasi pulls his wallet out to settle the bill.
'Oh my lord Quasi, just look at the bulge in your wallet, are you rich?'
'No. It's a photo of me dad.'

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TJrandom
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A sign

Postby TJrandom » Fri Mar 03, 2017 6:54 am

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before. The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."

The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late."

The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"

The second man replied, "I turned out the light.”

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TJrandom
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Moishe Plotnik

Postby TJrandom » Sat Mar 04, 2017 10:36 am

Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist from the Midwest was enjoying the artistry of all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners, etc., When he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry.'

'Moishe Plotnik?' he wondered. 'How does that belong in Chinatown?' He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking dry cleaner, although he could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the store name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo 'Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry.'

The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase. The tourist asked, 'Can you explain how this place got a name like 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry?''

The old man answered, 'Ah..Evleebody ask me dat. It name of owner.'

Looking around, the tourist asked, 'Is he here now?'

'It me, Me him!' replied the old man.

'Really? You're Chinese. How did you ever get a Jewish name like Moishe Plotnik?''

It simple' said the old man. 'Many, many year ago I come to this country. I, standing in line at 'Document Centre of Immiglation.' Man in front of me was man from Poland.'

'Lady at counter look at him and say to him, 'What you name?'

He (Polish man) say to her, 'Moishe Plotnik.'

Then she look at me and say, 'What your name?'

I say, 'Sam Ting.'

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TJrandom
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patience, patience....

Postby TJrandom » Thu Mar 16, 2017 10:36 pm

An elderly couple came back from a wedding one afternoon and were in a pretty romantic mood. While sitting on their loveseat, the elderly woman looked at her companion and said, "I remember when you used to kiss me every chance you had." The old man feeling a bit obliged leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek.

Then she said, "I also remember when you used to hold my hand at every opportunity." The old man again feeling obligated reached over and gently placed his hand on hers.

The elderly woman then stated, "I also remember when you used to nibble on my neck and send chills down my spine." This time, the old man had a blank stare on his face and started to get up off the couch.

As he began to walk out of the living room, mumbling to himself, his wife asked, "Was it something I said, where are you going?" The old man looked at her and replied, "Just hold on there, and please have some patience... I'm going in the other room to get my teeth!"

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Colonoscopy

Postby TJrandom » Sat Mar 18, 2017 10:12 am

Being nervous, and embarrassed about my up-coming colonoscopy, on a recommendation, I decided to have it done while vacationing in Bangkok, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle and accommodating.

As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure.

"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me.

"I don't have an erection," I replied.

"Yes, I can see that, but I have," replied the nurse.

Don't get a colonoscopy in Bangkok.

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TJrandom
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Homeopathy

Postby TJrandom » Mon Mar 20, 2017 7:31 pm

I recently found and used a homeopathic cure for gullibility – the label suggested that it was great stuff, works wonders, and that YOU should try it. I`m still watching for positive results.

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TJrandom
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Velociraptor

Postby TJrandom » Thu Mar 23, 2017 6:24 pm

Velociraptor = distaraptor/timeraptor

Matthew Ellard
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Re: Velociraptor

Postby Matthew Ellard » Fri Mar 24, 2017 12:25 am

Tyrannosaurus, Peasantosaurus,

(Evidence of Early Marxist class structure in Dinosaurs)
:D

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TJrandom
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A gig

Postby TJrandom » Fri Mar 24, 2017 10:58 am

There is a fantastic new band called 999 Megabytes – but they still don`t have a gig.


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